AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

This reminds me of the time I (once again) paid for the drinks and they popped back into the shop we had coffee in, just before we left for a bun for them and their partner to eat later at home. That did sting. I should have said something before now.

Please don’t feel bad. I would want to pay almost all of the time. I just would have liked it to have happened once. If you’re offering that’s completely different.

But that’s the difference. They offered. And I did acknowledge that I should have spoken up before now.

There does seem to be a stereotype about older people being rich and younger struggling, and the evil Boomers hogging the wealth. Not saying it's true at all, but this dynamic does seem very common now. Do like others have suggested above, or are you worried your child's partner is financially controlling? As in, they're ok to spend money on their parents, but your kid has to account for all spends?

Some children are selfish Op. it’s as simple as that.

My parents don’t have much money, so when we go out to eat, we always pay.

whereas, my in-laws and hubby and I, will always take it in turns to pay.

I'm sorry about your diagnosis.
To give you a different perspective, my mum could (in theory) have written this when she was alive, as I probably never once bought her a cup of tea or cake. And I loved her to bits!
I don't think she did think this though. She was comfortably off, and even though I am too, I think she felt it was her duty to still look after me, even when she was 70 and I was 40. So try not to take it personally, or as a sign they don't care. But you need to tell them how you feel.

I’m Irish - not buying a round, not stepping up is embarrassing yourself even when your parents have paid you’re expected to chip in - just a bit, you’re an adult don’t you know! Nothing worse than a tight arse!

My friends and I always pay/paid for our parents. They sacrificed so much to raise us, surely it’s time for us to treat them. I can’t believe your child is not offering to pay!!
My mom died when she was 50 so I didn’t have much chance to treat her. Hopefully your child doesn’t realise too late that they’re a thoughtless idiot

I don’t want to out myself. I also know I should have spoken up before now. I don’t think they believe I’m wealthy, I have a couple of things about me that anyone with an ounce of common sense would realise make me very unlikely to be wealthy. I think lots of people in here are saying that they allow their parents to pay but that they treat their Mum on Mother’s Day etc etc. I don’t get that either. Or even the offer to pay so I feel like some are missing the point. I watch them spend more money on ‘fun’ than I ever would, I’m glad they do that but it cements the fact that they can’t really think I’m wealthy in comparison to them. I also kind of think it shouldn’t matter who is better off. If you can both afford to buy treats / nights out etc then you should be offering to buy your Mum a coffee now and again. My Mum had a lot of money in the bank, it wasn’t a secret but I still wanted to treat her now and again.

It's an issue with how you raised them. They aren't going to suddenly start considering your needs one day if you didn't instill it from childhood..
It's silly to fixate on this now you've obviously got more to think about. Wait until they next ask to meet up at a cafe and say "only if you're paying this time, you never do you cheeky bugger" or something equally lighthearted and see what happens.

I would be a bit hurt too. We take turns to pay for meals when with our adult kids and their families. Similarly if I meet them for coffee and my kids will also sometimes turn up with presents for no good reason. We do spend more as we will pay accommodation if we go away together but they very definitely make sure we don’t pay for everything.

My 32 year old will let me pay for everything. My 30 year old fights me to pay/ gets her phone to the payment machine before me if I’m not quick enough. I think some kids remain a bit infantilised around the area of paying when it comes to their parents.

I don’t know what to suggest but I hate that you’re fretting about it when you’ve got these health worries. If I were you I’d really try to draw a line and accept that you’ll always get the coffees and she’ll always think of you as such a generous and loving mum.

I think it might actually be selfishness! I’ve been sat here thinking about it and I think it might be. My brother tried to hint at me that something my child did was selfish and I pooh poohed it at the time but I think it may be good old fashioned entitled and selfish behaviour.

This has nothing to do with paying, right?
You just want to see some love and care from them? not just nice words? and you really need it now after diagnosis.

You need to communicate, and it's a part of bringing them up as a good human, they need to understand that you are human as well and need care

I agree that it is. I was selfless. It was a mistake, hardly the crime of the century though.

Bingo.

Do they do other things for you, is there a balance? My mum always pays for things like tea and cake, lunch at the garden centre etc. But I always drive us, I drive her everywhere. On her birthday and Mother’s Day I take her out for lunch, wine. We host her for Sunday lunch. Is there a balance that way that your child perhaps thinks it’s evened out??

I have the opposite problem - I really want to treat my parents to meals out, etc but they will not hear of it, they always insist on paying.

No I don’t. Probably because I don’t ask for anything. I don’t actually want anything, I don’t want lifts anywhere. I don’t need them to call me all the time or do a single thing for me. But this one thing for some reason really bothers me.

You were selfless - you led by example - they only thought be treated applied to them. I’m not surprised you find it upsetting. I think you need to spell it out.

This, just communicate clearly and all will be well.

What would happen if you both sat down and you said 'oh I'm knackered / stiff from gardening yesterday, would you mind going up please'...it would be interesting if they were like 'of course, what are you having' or if they said something like 'don't worry you can order for both of us on the app'

Mmm I’m not sure. I did wait a very long time quite recently in the hope that they would offer to order their own food. It wasn’t my idea to meet up and I had just had a large garage bill. I was being really careful with money and was going to order for myself extremely frugally. We sat there at least 10-15 minutes before I reluctantly approached the till.

Did you see the person that posted about her daughter asking for a double ice cream? Well without too much detail my child always orders something at the top end of the price range. Fine of course if you’re going to offer to pay for your own, but a bit annoying if you’re expecting someone else to pick up your tab without it being offered.

I think you need to put him on the spot a bit. Next time you meet for a coffee I would either

-just order your own
-say " I think it's your turn to pay"

Which one of you initiates going out for coffee? Is it always you and, therefore, they think it’s your treat to them? If they suggest an outing could you respond in a way that implies they are taking you out and you are their guest?