AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

It sounds to me as if they have slipped into seeing you as purely a carer/provider for them, which is not good and needs to be dealt with. The fact that they were more generous previously, however, leads me to believe that all is not lost. It's hard, but I think that you should bite the bullet and tell them how you feel. It sounds a little old fashioned, but if you go in using 'I' language and focus the conversation on how you are feeling rather than their action or inaction, it might be a constructive way to go about things. I don't mean let them down lightly, but try to explain that you are hurt rather than angry.

I call it being self sufficient. My needs were never met as a child. Emotional neglect. I had parents yelling too OP. All you want is for it to stop. I hate noise, yelling, noisy places still.

so I’m self sufficient I don’t tell people my needs as it’s easier to just not do that. It’s all related to my trauma.

so when my DC hasn’t taken me out for a coffee and paid I have found it very hard. I have told them but it made no difference. in their head I’m just mum and i will be fine as I always am and I make sure everyone else is too. It is very upsetting as I don’t have a decent relationship with either of my parents and I’m NC with my siblings. so my DC is the only chance I have of getting to do those things with a member of my family.

I think it’s brilliant that you’ve acknowledged this but then I think the next step is to make some changes? I’ve seen it in my own situation - one family member treated another poorly and the way to deal with it is to train that person to not be that way. That involved NC until the person really understood that the behaviour was unacceptable and this led to a honest, emotionally charged discussion but then changed the situation for the better. I’m not suggesting you go NC with your child but like in OP’s situation, they do need training. And if you can’t or won’t do that then I think the only other option is to tolerate it - either happily or unhappily.

My story very closely aligns with yours, all the siblings are dysfunctional in some way (myself included) - none of us escaped. I am no longer in contact with most of them because I finally said no. Our relationship was conditional on my compliance.

It does feel abit me, me , me ish in your responses. Just stop going out with them if it’s hurting you so badly. Get some boundaries.

There’s another thread running where it’s about how much financial support do parents give their adult children. Many give them considerable financial support as well as buy them holidays, cars, etc.

No matter my age, parents and in laws have always been the one to buy, they naturally want to do it for their children. They’d never let me pay.