AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

I think you need to mention it to them.

In the gradual transition from child, to young adult finding their feet, to adult earning as much as mum, it may not have been clear to them at which point the set-up was expected to change.

It also depends on family dynamic and what they've seen growing up. DP never saw her parents paying for her grandparents, and now her parents are horrified at the idea DP would pay for them. My family is the complete opposite.

When you pay for the coffee and cake, does your child thank you?
if they say “thanks mum” my reply would be “that’s ok/ I like to still pay for you sometimes even though you’re now self sufficient/ you’re welcome etc, You can pay next time!”

I’m going to guess this is your son? It shouldn’t make any difference but I can see why this is hurtful, although I do wonder if they think you are better off than them particularly if they have young children. The cost of childcare these days can be crippling or the financial burden of maternity leave. I wonder if they’re struggling but don’t like to mention it?

If you’re absolutely sure they aren’t then next time it’s suggested you two meet up just say “your treat then?”

My 15yo and 10yo will always ask me if I want a treat when they go to the shop. My 15yo often brings me a little something back when she goes to the shops too even if I don’t ask. So I can see why you’re sad OP. Maybe they just don’t realise that they do it?

@Pleasant1234 I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I can remember the first time I treated my parents to a meal I was probably 24/25 and have still done it recently. My DD27 often treats me to a sandwich lunch during the week if we meet up when I am at work and she is studying it really depends where we decide to eat. Or I buy the lunch and she buys the coffee and sometimes she offers 50/50. She also does this as a mature student with a part time job. If it is her and her fiancé together I will normally pay but they might say they will get the drinks.

One of the joys of adult life is treating my parents to coffee and cake, lunch out, a drink at the pub, fish and chips. Not all on the same day.

I suspect they might not be offering because they feel money is tight and you have more. The first time I offered my parents to pay for a meal for all of us which I could genuinely afford with no difficulty felt like a real triumph and it is really nice to occasionally pay for things for them (they don't often let us) but I do remember feeling really anxious when I was younger meeting family about who was paying and about not being able to afford it.

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis and I think you're aware this is probably a diversion tactic from that, but maybe an honest conversation with your child and money, without bringing up the link with your illness, would be helpful.

I hope you’re ok op and I don’t think YABU but I think you might be loading whether your children pay for a cuppa with more meaning than they do, or a different one. For you it seems to signify whether they care for you but it probably doesn’t mean the same for them and they might be surprised and feel bad if they realised this is how you feel. For them perhaps it’s the one time they get to regress to being children again and looked after. You really don’t know unless you speak to them but I appreciate it’s difficult as you don’t want to make things awkward or feel like they then pay out of a compulsion rather than care. If you don’t want to talk to them maybe you could take some of the emotion out of it, I’m sure they love you and value their time with you. Not paying doesn’t mean they don’t. Is there anything else they do that you appreciate and focus on instead? Even if it’s just taking the time to spend with you which they obviously enjoy.

Yes this is good, my mum does stuff like this. If she pays for tickets for a day out for instance, I'll say thanks and she'll say no worries, you can get the picnic food/ice creams whilst we're there. Lay out what you want without being critical.

To help you feel better, it doesn't mean they don't care. Some people are just a bit oblivious to social niceties. A friend of a friend once went out with me, mutual friend, and my friend's parents to a very expensive restaurant. Friend of friend didn't offer any money at the end and just assumed that her friend's parents (who she'd never met before) would cover the bill. I offered money (both because it was tje right thing to do and because I thought it might encourage FOF to pay who had ordered a bottle of champagne and various other expensive items). Because she just sat there and offered nothing the parents then felt they couldn't take my money either. She was I think very entitled in this case, which your DC could be. But most likely they are just a bit oblivious and unconsciously think mums pay for kids, not thinking about the fact they are an adult. We all have different love languages, theirs may not involve gifts but be something else. So don't assume the worst.

But I'd definitely say - right Mr, your turn to buy today for your old mum!

Your child is a boy.

You did this for your mum as you are a woman. I genuinely think women are just a bit more emotionally aware. Obviously there are exceptions but that's the way I have found. I have a son too.

It tipped over when we took her out for a very expensive lunch and then we popped into an ice cream shop and she said - is it ok if I get a double? I just thought we've spent over £200 on a lovely lunch and she thought we should buy you an ice cream too? It did embarrass her of course it did, she was quite upset but she booked dinner to make up for it - she knew she had pushed it too far. We still pay for 90% of the spends - but she now steps up - the balance feels right.

I think it's a common dynamic in a lot of families tbh - when I speak to my friends (50ish) they say their parents pay for everything. It becomes an unwritten rule and they don't think about it.

This post makes me feel guilty as it always seems to be my parents paying. I do offer, but they always refuse and say they want to get it for me and that's the way it should be

I have 3 adult children and I always pay for meals, drinks etc when we are together. To be fair they have tried to pay occasionally but I like to treat them. If it bothers you so much you should just say something

And it's not about how much money you have - there's something lovely about people treating you to a drink, an acknowledgement - it's a small thing but it matters.

That’s awful. Hopefully you benefit from their frugality later in life.

When I started out in my career I was absolutely skint but I was desperate that my parents think of me as doing well. I ended up with £9grand of debt on credit cards trying to buy the Christmas and birthday presents they expected of their graduate daughter and paying my way when we went out.

A reasonable job doesn’t go very far on the bills

I wouldn't offer, I'd just buy.

At family gatherings someone will run up to the bar or settle the bill in secret - there's ways of doing things if you genuinely want to pay. One way of not paying is saying to everyone - shall I pay? Or do you want me to pay? Just fucking pay! Don't ask!

I don’t offer. I know that’s difficult to believe but they just sit there. I am convinced they would sit there for an hour - I think the most awkward time it was about 10 minutes after we had been seated that I eventually went to order. I never say ‘I’ll get them or that’s on me.’ It’s very strange. They don’t say thank you and I think that’s partly because they don’t want to acknowledge that I paid without offering. I know it sounds odd. We’re not did really I promise, we’re very normal!

I absolutely would offer to pay 70-80% of the time but I would like the chance to offer and be thanked.

My MIL/FIL expect it and would never offer to pay a dime. My parents would mainly pay but the odd time I do when I can afford it or it’s Mother’s Day/Fathers day etc.

I think you need to tell them. Different families do it differently.
I never paid for meals or drinks when out with my mum. She wouldn’t allow it from me or my siblings. We didn’t go to expensive places with her but she would pay for any family meals, which were about once or twice a year.
I paid for a trip to Berlin for her once as a birthday present and I paid for spa days etc and things like that but they were always birthday/ Christmas/ Mother’s Day presents for her. For family meals it was just made clear that her generation paid and she wouldn’t hear otherwise. I pay for my children now for meals and will as long as I can afford it. They are 17 and 20.

If your family does it different then make sure they know what is expected.

My teenagers will pay for things for me but I will pay them back. Eg I’m decorating at the moment and no time to cook so my 17 year old got me a kfc. Very thoughtful. He does have a job so has money. But he knew I would transfer him the money as that’s just the done thing in our family.

Just tell your adult children. Eg:
Here is your coke. You can get the next drink.

Or - do you want to meet me for lunch at the weekend? I’ll pay for the food but can you get drinks?

Or - now you are x years old we can take it in turns to buy lunch. I’ll take you here today and is your turn next time.

Both ways are fine but just communicate how you want it/ need it done in your family.

It would be too outing to say. You’ll have to trust me on this one.

@Pleasant1234
First, I'm really sorry about your diagnosis. That's a heavy one to bear. Wishing you peace. 🩷💐

Do you think you can have a sit-down with your dd to let her know your diagnosis and so that there aren't any unresolved hurts tell her you want to give her the opportunity to air any grievances so you can make amends and neither of you will have left anything unsaid?
Use this time to really connect?
And if she asks how she can support you tell her a nice piece of cake and a coffee would go a long way. 🩷