AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

Thats me: I clearly love bleaching the toilets, walking someone else’s dog because they don’t believe in the kennels whilst paying someone to walk mine, paying for other people’s more-expensive-than-mine’s drinks and making a dinner from scratch every night when I would be happy with toast. And I do it all with a smile and a slightly passive aggressive attitude 😂

They’re a double edged sword these forums. Someone can come along and make you feel like the worst person alive and it’s so frustrating because you know how you are in real life and they don’t. And then, sometimes, someone just gets it and it makes such a difference. I’m grateful for you taking the time to write that.

YANBU, OP. I’m actually shocked that your child not only doesn’t say thanks when you buy them drinks/lunch but doesn’t even so much as offer you a cup of tea when you visit them at home, they are rude and selfish I’m sorry to say. I think you need to find a way to gently let them know their behaviour is not ok, otherwise this issue is going to fester and you may end up blowing your top eventually. I’d also suggest you pull back a bit from doing favours for them, not entirely but just be a bit less available, they are taking you for granted.

Thank you.

To answer your question, I know several. I've actually banned my normally generous DH from putting his hand in his pocket around them. People taking the piss make me obtusely determined not to let them.

Well all I can say is I remember me and my siblings got so excited over first wages we did a varied flowers, chocolates or whatever for parents..I love taking my mum out, I will just call and say let's go do and my treat and off we go, my brother's do the same...other times parents will ask us out for a meal or lunch and my dad will take care of it...but ye in our family we love to take mum out and her not have to pay

Of Course it’s not a crime but you are complaining about the result/consequences of it and refuse to address it with them

But there’s also an element of victim blaming here.

She raised her son to be a selfish man. He is a grown up now so should know better himself, not a good look for him to act like that. However, she also refuses to speak up and address it so he may be oblivious to it. She needs to stop making herself a victim and needs to speak up and say what she is thinking and what she wants.

She asked the same question last year and ignored everyone’s advice and is back here again complaining again without wanting to actually do anything about it.

I read this whole thread assuming the child is female. Not sure why.

I've just reread all of OP's posts imagining the child is male and it makes much more sense. I'm thinking here about so many of the sons I know, including my own, who's never made me or bought me a cuppa ever.

I'm not asking you to confirm either way OP. Just thinking out loud.

Why, what would happen? Are you worried there would be friction and it would be irreparable?

I don't think the child is male. Earlier on, the OP said something about hoping she had modelled how 'strong and independent' a woman could be. That suggests a daughter, not a son.

It makes me something you’re not doesn’t it? I am honestly so generous but I feel so bitter towards people that do this, I genuinely cannot respect them at all. I’ve only encountered cheeky fuckery a couple of times outside of this and I can still tell you who they were are how they managed to weedle their way out of paying and what it was for! It’s such an unattractive trait to me that it sticks. The added dilemma here of course is that I love the person and so it makes it more complicated. Although I never did actually say anything to the cheeky beggars that did it to me before, it’s easy to avoid and cut off those people those, this is different.

People are allowed to vent you know? It’s fine that you’re annoyed that I posted twice in a year about the same issue and you’re right that I should have sorted it. I was feeling down and it’s not the end of the world if someone raises an issue that they should have solved, I just wanted to talk about it. No one is forcing you to sit and listen, you could just scroll on by without being quite so annoyed.

I don’t know. Why can’t I? If someone acts like this, a friend or a colleague I just move on. I wouldn’t cut them off but I just wouldn’t ever put myself in a situation where we were buying anything and I wouldn’t suggest meeting. But I wouldn’t say anything and I don’t know why. I find disagreements so uncomfortable. I do know why I think but it’s all very woe is me and who wants to hear that really? When I was little I used to hold my hands over my ears when my parents were screaming at one another (frequently) and when I grew up I used to do it if anyone was being loud. I’ve gotten better and better at telling myself ‘I’ve done nothing wrong, this person is allowed to be loud.’ But I can feel adrenaline coursing through me even as I’m forcing myself to not react. I’ve never practised telling anyone that they have upset me or made me displeased. I’m almost 50 and I just think now that I probably never will. It’s a half life I’ve lived really. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, I’m fine. I just think for whatever reason I’m just the way I am. I know it’s not right.

Also (it won’t let me edit my previous response), I didn’t ignore all the advice. There were lots of people that advised me not to suggest meeting up and I took that on board and very rarely suggest it now so this is only an issue that arises very infrequently. There was advice to wait and see if they offer to go to the till etc and different ways to make it obvious I wasn’t offering to pay and I have tried all them. That doesn’t change the fact that I should have just said it. You’re right about that but I certainly didn’t ignore everything. And I am confident that every decision I made when raising this child was what I felt was right at the time, they didn’t see me being selfish, they saw me being selfless. I didn’t have a crystal ball, I didn’t know that it would mean they grew up selfish. They weren’t selfish when they lived at home. They were grateful and said thank you for everything. This has been a change since they left home. Not everything is the fault of parents.

If they have changed since leaving home, it is possible that they are genuinely struggling financially. They should be upfront, if so, but that makes it sound more like a question of circumstance than personality.

It won't change if you don't say anything.

I don’t share with my parents how tight for money things are so as not to worry them but I genuinely couldn’t afford to right now. Maybe your DC is the same?
Although that said when things were better we did used to treat my parents to meals out or at least try to it was a race to pay.

It’s not just the way you are. it’s a protection mechanism from trauma.

I sympathise as I can be similar, fighting parents and domestic violence growing up where no one ever apologised made me think that disagreeing or stating my needs was dangerous. It’s a really common thing, loads of resources on line to help.

On this, I would recommend listening to some Gabor Mate, who talks about the link between disease and trauma. He's a medical doctor, his views are considered controversial by some, but after my own self learning journey it personally made a lot of sense to me. It's taken me a long time to reach the conclusion that @TorroFerney has stated here and it seems to be relevant in your case too. The good news is that with the right work, you can shift away from where you find yourself in this moment, if that's what you want to do. It's not a quick fix, but it is sustainable in my experience.

I think that what has happened (partly) is that their financial situation is a little unstable, which is quite normal at that age and when you have children / maternity leave / are establishing your career etc and I promise I do get that. They have got a mentality that money is tight for them because it sometimes is and that dictates how generous they are with anyone outside of their household even when they are in a better situation and are eating out, going on holiday etc. In my head I’m thinking ‘you can’t even buy me a cuppa but you spent £100 yesterday on your dinner.’ But probably in their head they know that they are actually now skint because they spent all their money. I do understand that. I’m not an ogre, I just wish they could get a better balance.

Thank you.

Thank you x

I agree that I think they are in a headspace where they have to be careful with money. It’s hard because they do spend quite a lot on bits and bobs that really are luxuries when I’m with them so it feels weird that they don’t want to pay for their own drink or mine every few times.