AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

Yes they are selfish and stingy. Sorry OP, it’s not nice, but it’s also not your fault. I find it hard to imagine not paying for my DM, but I’m almost the opposite in that I hate people paying for me!

It sounds like you show love by buying things for people, that's why it hurts to not have your adult DC do that for you. But for them, that isn't a way to show love, they probably just see as the norm that mum will pay because they know no different. Tell them what it means to you.

This is so sad. So sad. I saw it so many, many, many times and each time it broke my heart - for my friends, acquaintances, colleagues. So I started speaking up (dc age was 14, I think). So I started saying 'your private school costs that much', 'this trip cost that much'. Etc. etc. And then - the reason I am saying this to you, my dc, is that I put all my money into you, I have no savings, so I expect to be bought food by you, when I am old and no longer able to work. It was not a lie - I live in a awful postcode, have no savings apart from a couple of grand. Dc is still not earning (full-time education) and I don't know if they will buy me a cup of tea or not, but at least I know I said these things to them, in case they are stupid and do not realise my financial sacrifice. I don't feel bad saying those things. I just wanted dc to know I expect a very minimal payback (weekly bread, tea, butter and jam, that is all) in my old age. Actually, I have not thought it up myself, it was my grandma's way of operating.

I’ve thought about this a lot. It isn’t always me. And I also think that asking someone casually if they want to come through or meet out of the house shouldn’t be an automatic obligation to pay or provide them with food. It’s a lot.

It depends. Are they skint? Or better off than you? I think this is more about your brain struggling to adjust to the fact that you might not be there into their late adulthood, but if they are earning well then you’d have reason to be irritated irrespective of illness

I am being really careful with what I say but I have a younger child and I started this with them about 2 years ago (when I started feeling a bit resentful). Reiterating that I’m human and deserve certain things as well. I realise that being selfless and needing nothing from people and always being ‘okay’ isn’t the way to teach people how to treat you. This child is lovely by the way, everyone likes them but they just seem oblivious to how selfishly and entitled they sometimes are.

My mum lives abroad and I visit every year and she takes me for lunch or coffee. It would never occur to me to pay because she considers it a treat to take me out. My granny still gives me pocket money when I visit. I refused once (I'm in my 40s FFS) and it was WW3. What I realised is that it was an important act for her to show her love and me refusing basically gave her an impression that I don't care. I now take it and don't argue.
Every family is different and there is no point in getting upset, especially, if you haven't actually talked to her about it. She is not a mind-reader.

I mean, it’s hard being young now isn’t it? But they have just been on holiday and can afford occasional nights out. I’m not judging them for that by the way just trying to answer honestly. They’re not on their bum so to speak.

My parents would never have accepted 1p from me (other than Christmas and birthday etc gifts). I will be the same forever with my kids. It’s the correct order of things.

Fair enough if that’s what you believe. I’m not here to argue with people about what they believe is right.

I don’t think this matters. Amongst friends, one of us always asks and arranges - she shouldn’t be expected to pay - does that result in everyone waiting till someone else suggests a meeting because they are too tight to contribute.
Honestly it’s a bit tight to expect other people to fund you when you are working - even if they are wealthier than you - to expect it every time is unreasonable

YANBU your DC is frankly a CF.

Please speak up. Id say something like it must be your turn to pay, I always pay or make yourself scarce when it comes to paying.

Sending you bigs and hope your health stays good for as long as poss x

It suits you. I don’t ask or want gifts from my kids - I don’t need gifts - I do want them to buy me a coffee every now and then.

My friend’s dd and her boyfriend come around to visit - order take away and then expect my friend to pay - it’s cheeky fucker territory.

Can't agree more. I notice it in mine too, it is inevitable. I have always been an utter pleaser to my parents, my dh, my colleagues and then I almost had a breakdown. I am such a people-pleaser that I have to stop myself being overly nice to people, including my family - e.g. I trained myself to nip in the bud this idiotic desire to get up earlier than anyone on week-ends, so when THEY get up, a wonderful breakfast be ready. I was feeling resentful of the expectation and my cue was a non-working school child said 'ah, this sweater - 70 quid, not bad, right?' I calmly explained how many hours they would have to work in a minimum-wage job after bus fares to and from and forbade them to comment on the price being 'not bad' until such a time as they start earning themselves. I may be abrupt, but one birthday, when I was given some rubbish present (bought with my money!!!!) - scented candles, etc. I said 'what is this rubbish? Please don't give me such rubbish presents ever again - I shall wait for you to graduate, get a proper job and get me a proper present (named the present). From now on, only cards and I shall wait for a proper present when you start working. People need to be told.

Always always pay for my adult children when we go out. They do offer but I wouldn’t dream of them paying, they are at the beginning of their adult life and I am nearer the end so need to spend it.

But why do you pay? You can go to the till and order food just for you. Or you can ask the waiter to split the bill.
Yes, maybe it is annoying and upsetting that your child doesn't offer but this doesn't mean that you should automatically assume you are paying. Order for yourself, pay your own bill and let them do what they like.
Will it magically make your child more caring? Maybe not, but maybe it will make them think for the first time on their life that you paying is no longer a norm.

But they are offering. I am not. I would pay almost all the time but I feel sad that they have never offered.

Have you posted about this before OP? If you haven't then there's someone else with exactly the same problem.

I really feel for you, can you forget your purse/card/phone one day and see what happens? If that doesn't work, when they ask to meet up just say you can't afford it this week, big bills to pay.

This really needs sorting for your own peace of mind.

Serves us right, we are far too polite, we are all 'oh, it is OK, I don't want any presents, I don't want any money, it was a pleasure to have you as a child and spend all my money on you as a child'

MN is crazy too - 'our children owe us nothing'. Like fuck they don't. In that case we owe them bread, water, roof, end of. And to twist things in such a way that the most important gift, a gift of life is thrown back in our face - 'we did not ask to be born'. This is how swinery breeds. Or CF-ery.

About a year ago I asked for advice, maybe then? I clearly didn’t take it and now it’s probably a bit too late.

I should have. They told me what they wanted so I would have had to say ‘can you get yours?’ And I didn’t. I should have. I don’t know why I never have.

I suspect you have nailed it yourself. You are using this as a distraction to a certain extent - the grievance probably runs deeper than a cup of tea and cake.
I know I became fixated on small grievances when I was diagnosed with cancer. I found I re- evaluated a lot of close relationships but I came to accept that some of the people I love are flawed and you either learn to accept it or distance yourself. I was incredibly hurt by one of my children’s apparent lack of concern when I was diagnosed and the same with a close friend. I gave my friend a mental deadline to show up by and she came through eventually but I’ve always known she can be very selfish on occasions but also very thoughtful. . .
I think it’s all tied in with the grief process. I got some counselling from a local palliative care charity. They were fantastic. If you can get. Counselling I would recommend it.

OP I don't think this is really about who picks up the bill for a cup of coffee.
You're thinking about this after your diagnosis because you feel vulnerable and you want to be the one being looked after for once.
I hope you have someone you can confide in. I think you need to tell your partner and let them shoulder some of your pain and comfort you. Tell your kid too because now its your turn to be looked after.
I wish you the best of luck.

I would feel the same way OP. Your adult child sounds extremely selfish. Being tight with money is a horrible trait.