Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

I don’t agree with that just because someone can walk a dog they can work. I know 3 people off the top of my head that could walk a dog but cannot work. Such as a family friend’s son (in his 40s) that has learning difficulties, no way could he navigate working with other people, processing information etc. You may not be able to do a simple sum but can walk a dog. A neurological condition may well cause someone not to be able to learn, process information, retain any information and therefore work.

OP hasn't mentioned her DH has any problems cognitively though. He is just tired and doesn't feel that well. That would make it difficult to work but if physically able to walk dogs, cook, clean and do DIY not sure how eligible for pip if okay cognitively.

No- there is no “his” money. It goes in the pot. He also needs to do a bit more at home. I say this as someone who is disabled and relys on benefits now.

Tell him his money is to directly go into the shared bank account, whatever is left over is spilt. Hes being selfish.

Our household income / set up is the same, but all the money is pooled. All bills etc are budgeted for including annual bills and any debt payments or savings. As part of the budgeting we each have an amount of pocket money per week to spend on what we like.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeckit is rather more complex than you imagine. PIP is to cover the extra costs of disability for ‘normal’ costs whilst ESA/UC contribute (in a family situation) to normal costs. So ESA/UC goes into the pot but contributions from PIP are calculated on the basis of additional cost. For example, it is necessary to calculate the average cost of electricity for the number of people/size of property and then compare this to the cost to your family. If the average cost is £90 a month but your family spends £150 due to the disabled person being at home all the time/appliances etc then £60 per month is legitimate disability cost and met via PIP. ATM it is not necessary to forensically detail all additional costs but there are situations where this is necessary and an appointee can be asked to justify spending.

It should never be the case that the funds of those receiving PIP are absorbed fully into household costs such that there is no funding to meet the additional costs of disability. The desire to do this is increased by cost of living increases and the unfortunate disability of what was the family main earner but is mismanagement of funds.

My ex used to have our son’s disability benefits paid into an account he controlled and spent it all as if it were his own money and there was never anything left over for DS’s needs. One winter he forgot to order oil - he restricted our use of heating oil despite DS being housebound - but this was a new low. 3 weeks in a draughty old farmhouse with no heating. But ex was ok because he could work from the office. I transferred payments into my sole account and made sure PIP was ringfenced to meet my son’s needs.

PIP is not payable to all but awarded on an individually assessed basis to those who qualify. It should not be treated as compensation to the family of those disabled.

He sounds like a mean, revolting deadbeat. He’s given up on himself and his life. He is so monumentally greedy and selfish that I can’t see you being any worse off if you tell me him to fuck off. What a cunt.

I just find it bizarre that all these able bodied non-disabled people think that the non- disabled should benefit from disability payments such that actually disabled people are not able to afford the additional costs of disability! And at the same time claim that the disabled assessed as eligible to claim benefits are not really eligible!

We seem to have switched from a culture where government support is paid to the poor and disabled to a culture where benefits are to support those surviving or thriving (free nursery places) and PIP is no longer about supporting the disabled individual but paying to support non disabled family members with cost of living.

What do you mean he’s saved 4k for,your daughter, so was this from his monthly money? How much of his money does he put in the joint account?

Wtf is this resentment of "his money"? What about your money? He sounds like a dick. Would you be better off on your own?

She said he has a neurological disorder which would imply some level of cognitive disfunction and possibly physical. Even if it is caused by fatigue- which can lead to both physical and cognitive impairment even if just briefly (pain, aching, palpitations, loss of concentration)

We are aware he can do all of these things individually however does he walk the dog and need to sleep for 3 hours. Does he clean for example hoover and need to physically recover due to pain after, do DIY once a week etc etc. He might only do one of these activities per day. I would assume that as he has been awarded ESA and PIP he is struggling and probably didn’t want to give up his previous higg salary for benefits.

OP doesn’t seem to dispute that hes disabled or struggling, shes annoyed about the split of finances and rightly so - it needs to be joint money.

My PIP gets counted into the household budget (not eligible for ESA) - it helps cover extra costs linked with my disability but I'm not frittering it away on random DIY stuff!
My DH is the higher earner and I can't work, but would never think of the PIP as my money.
Your DH needs to shift his attitude or you need to make changes ie separate etc if he continues to behave in this way.

No it doesn't imply a level of cognitive impairment at all. I am not saying it is impossible but it is definitely not a given and OP has not mentioned cognitive problems.

So you have £1300 left for food and other extras once the bills are all covered? I’d say you’re pretty fortunate!!

She is providing this service so his money should be paid in to the joint expenses. HTH

The disabled man isn’t able to work…. Hence getting ESA!

Big fat NO unless it can be afforded after everything is budgeted for.

I have heard of partners pulling this, even those as a family carer, insisting that the care money is theirs and not the household.
If you can split the joint income so you’re both left with 100 per month, if not, then tough tits for him.

For others reading this, this is the problem with marrying somebody so much older.
You should be living it up but instead you are financially keeping a sick man.
Your last few years working will be spent financially subbing his pension, then when you retire , he will be up on 80.

I feel sorry for you OP but I hope this pre ends others making g the same mistakes

No one thinks of that when they’re younger though, the OP could be a friend of mine. I see someone else dating an older man and can see how that could pan out.

Agreed, my eldest DC could walk a dog but can't work as he needs to nap several times a day. He has cystic fibrosis.

I have a neurological disorder. I don't know what it is as I am still in the middle of various tests at the hospital. I have had this disorder for 2.5 years and am still able to cook, walk, clean etc without too much difficulty. I have had a couple of falls and my balance is not good. The neurology consultant has hinted that it could be MS related, but so far I have no formal diagnosis.

MS does seem to be a condition that would qualify for PIP, but not all sufferers of MS would be severely limited in what they can do generally, though there might be periods when flare ups could limit how much someone could do. Perhaps OPs husband is in a similar situation, whereby he still can function a lot of the time?

ESA is meant for living expenses and should go in the bills account. PIP is different and some should be left for him to use as he needs but he should understand he is not living on his own. Could the neurological issue be part of the problem? It is totally unfair you’re left with all the burden when there are 2 incomes even if one is benefits. I couldn’t put up with that thinking, my husband is also now on benefits but the ESA is for household expenses and my husband wouldn’t expect me to struggle with the finances on my own.

People don't qualifications because of their conditions. It is dependent on how it effects them so someone with ms who can walk dogs, cook and clean most of the time etc probably wouldn't

@Moneyproblemgiraffe

This sounds really tough!

Does his neurological disorder affect his impulse control, by any chance? Is hubby ND too?

As others have mentioned, his PIP is to make his life easier, so his I guess, but he’s not using it for taxis, physio, a cleaner, is he.

High earner but didn’t bother with a pension?! 😳 🤦‍♀️