Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

Behave Op is struggling to cover the rent and food and he's saving money obviously he wants to do it but it shouldn't be able to save four grand when she's on her knees

In what way? He hasn't had a stroke but has a neurological disorder according to the OP. I totally understand that he really is unwell, but he is still capable of making some practical contributions to the functioning of the household he lives in and psychologically that would actually be of benefit to him. I speak as an 80 year-old with limited mobility who is determined not to be a passenger in our marriage. Certainly he should be contributing fairly to the family budget, given that they have two teenage daughters, one of whom also has a disability.

Several neurological disorders can be as bad as or worse than a stroke. It really depends on what it is, if it’s degenerative and how serious his symptoms are.

Yes, agree his income should be joint just like OP’s is.

Most healthy, abled 80yr olds have limited mobility, not everyone is as lucky as you are, determination to not be a passenger in life only gets you so far.

I can’t understand why anyone would stay with a partner like this: no pension (also, why did you have no idea? Have you not spoken about it before?); no real income, and clearly unwilling to operate as a partnership. He’s a deadbeat and it’s only going to get worse as he gets older. You’d not see me for dust at this point.

Sounds like an awful situation OP. He’s choosing to be greedy and selfish by not sharing all of his benefits with the family.

He’s also a far bit older. Do you really want to be a carer to an old man who is miserly? Actually it’s not just a carer, you’re also paying for his lifestyle!

Hope you’re able to get free!

Op didn't say he can't cook. She said he uses a lit of lentils and spices which her dc don't like! I don't think it is that hard to exaggerate tbh. Most people don't but some will.

Is this another OP who doesn't like the answers she's getting so has disappeared?

The children are old enough that I would be planning my exit.

Most healthy, abled 80yr olds have limited mobility

Not in my experience. I know plenty of people my age and older whose mobility is still normal, as was mine until a severe leg infection 3 years ago. Even with a problem leg, I can still reach down and touch my toes, though I'm incapable of kneeling.

Do you want to stay with him, OP?

Hi op this is disgraceful behaviour from him. Tell him he can put 800 in the joint account then you both can have 200 for personal use or you will find somewhere new and claim universal credit just be cause he’s ill he doesn’t get to keep all his money tell him he can move to a sheltered accommodation where he can pay his way. I’m not surprised it’s come to a head he’s treating you like shit. If you were a high earner fair enough but your struggling financially and he’s saving for dd fuck that no marriage vows would keep me trapped with him. He’s tight and you have every right to that money. Tell him straight he pays his way or he can move out or you will. Even if you don’t go through with it definitely don’t carry on carrying him.

Hey cornflake do you understand what this forum is for? You seem very judgmental on a person you don’t know but who is obviously struggling. people post stuff all the time it doesn’t mean they owe everyone an explanation op people like you do my head in. Go get yourself a life where you don’t need mumsnet to entertain you. Fgs.

Was it terminal cancer? I think if it is estimated to be less than one year pip is given .

Oh another one being resentful that boring things have to be paid for and getting cross when there isn't enough money. If he lived alone he'd have to pay for everything.

He's let you struggle whilst he buys extras for DIY!

I'd stop right now. If he wants all his money himself he can but he pays 50% of everything and does his own laundry, cooking etc. I would probably end the relationship as you'd be better off alone.

Ok, well your experience doesn’t trump population level statistics.

Approximately one third of 70-year-olds and most 80-year-olds report restrictions on mobility in their apartments and immediate surroundings. Restriction or loss of mobility is a complex multifactorial process, which makes older adults prone to falls, injuries, and hospitalizations and worsens their quality of life while increasing overall mortality.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10360303/

Reduced mobility in older adults is rarely one thing. It’s a convergence: muscles shrink, joints stiffen, the body’s balance sensors become less precise, neurological signals slow, and side effects from medications compound everything. Sarcopenia, the clinical term for age-related muscle loss, affects approximately 18.8% of community-dwelling adults aged 65 and older, according to a 2022 systematic review and meta-analysis of 52 studies.2 That’s nearly one in five seniors living at home. Arthritis, which attacks the joints rather than the muscles, is even more common: CDC data from 2024 shows it affects 53.9% of U. S. adults aged 75 and older.3

After 80, the body becomes progressively less efficient at converting dietary protein into new muscle tissue….The European Working Group on Sarcopenia in Older People defines the condition as a muscle disease directly associated with falls, fractures, physical disability, and “loss of independence or need for long-term care placement.”4 Low grip strength is a simple early indicator. Research on 1,598 older adults found that over 51% had “possible sarcopenia” based on grip strength alone, far more than the 18.8% figure captured by the stricter clinical definition.

Falls are the leading cause of injury-related death in adults 65 and older, and a single fall dramatically increases the likelihood of a second.

Falls are the leading cause of injury-related death in adults 65 and older, and a single fall dramatically increases the likelihood of a second.
https://www.sondercare.com/learn/mobility-disability/what-common-mobility-issues-old-age/?srsltid=AfmBOooQkdp2teyNnWZ4RPAhRPTZz9vOSm7OVrf1jjeQIEygjkQ2FLp_

This is what OP said
He will/ can cook but nothing anyone else will eat. Too much spice/ lentil etc.
I will eat but dds not. And so much mess.

This doesn’t sound like he is able to cook to me.

It was terminal but she wasn’t given less than a year.

the point being everyone who gets PIP is individually assessed

@NullaEffugium

That's the US and the mention of apartments indicates an urban population. I live in rural Wales and my experience is exactly as I told you. Of course I'm not as strong as I was and I have a bad leg, but in the context of this thread my determination to continue contributing to our household despite this is the relevant point I was making. I do most of the cooking and all the laundry, my husband does the maintenance and heavy gardening and we share the cleaning.

Did the McMillan nurses do it though? The criteria is different. It's obviously not going to go on how you are at the point the questionnaire is completed

In other words he doesn't want to cook food the DC like. Sounds similar to my DH's cooking. He is certainly not disabled though.

Christ shes probably got other things to do today, most people dont post and sit on their phone waiting on responses for hours on end, they have lives and responsibilities.

What part of that sounds like he isnt able to cook?

Hes a messy cook and doesnt cook to anyones tastes but his own. Ie a messy, selfish COOK

It is not his money for himself. It is money given to him to cover his living costs. His family & you are part of that. Why isn't that obvious to him?

Don't accept this from him any longer. Tell him you wont be covering all of the rent & bills from now on, so he'll have to stump up his fair share.

I have been in a similar situation OP when a chronic condition I have flared up and I had to leave work. I was on ESA and PIP which came to about £900 a month. It all went straight into the joint account. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to keep it to myself. I do not understand his logic at all and you have every right to feel the way you do.

If you read what OP actually wrote, you'll see that after the big food shop she has £300 left to fund the family through the rest of the month. In a three-adult household, with a teenager attending college and the OP incurring the normal expenses of getting to and from work, I very much doubt that she has any money to spend on herself at all. Meanwhile, her cunty DH contributes nothing at all to the family pot but spends his £l000 a month on DIY and gadgets. He has used his disability to turn into an A-grade cocklodger while the OP struggles to do everything else. I don't know how you dare to defend such a selfish and hateful ardehole!