Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

If you read the full thread you’d see that we had this discussion already.

They are individually assessed but all assessed on the same strict descriptors on which you need to score enough points.
Can they cook a simple meal, can they eat and drink without assistance, can they wash and dress, budget, manage medications and therapies, communicate, and then the two mobility questions. I can only think he scored points because he can't do the activities reliably, safely etc as someone above described because op has mentioned him doing most activities. PIP is not awarded based on a diagnosis.

Leave him you would be better off.

My husbands neurological condition means he can only leave the house for 10-20 minutes before he experiences crippling pain in his head. He cannot watch TV, use any screens, speak to more than two people at a time (people speaking with their hands and animatedly causes his brain to shoot pain through his head), he cannot listen to music or read a book, he can’t play board games or use colouring pencils. He can’t do any of that let alone chores or contributing to the household. Don’t assume that neurological conditions are mild. Some are absolutely crippling. My husband is 30 and his world is 4 walls and a radio.

All money coming in should be joint. 🤷‍♀️

We are in a similar situation. DH has been unable to work for many years. My salary & his benefits are all paid into joint account & used to pay for our family. DH spends a bit on aids/supplements but has never seen the benefits as his own money.

He will still receive PIP as a pensioner, assuming he doesn’t recover from his illness/disability. You can’t make a new claim for PIP after State pension age but existing claims continue. Attendance allowance is available to pensioners who meet the criteria for extra care costs.

The fact that your DH was a high earner but you rent & he has no pension ( other than state tells me he’s probably always been a spender with poor financial skills. Now he has less to live on but wishes to carry on squandering cash in gadgets etc. Not fair on you. All money into joint account, bills paid & then an equal amount of spending for both is the only fair way. And try to save a little too. Even £100 pm adds up & gives a buffer if washing machine/car breaks down.

You can’t claim carers allowance if you earn over £204 a week and you have to care for the person 35 hours a week.

And you stay with.him because???????????????????

I'm so sorry. Your poor husband. That must be devastating for him and for everyone who loves him. It sounds like the OP's husband's condition is not as disabling as that if he can walk the dog and go shopping at Lidl.

Have you asked him why your money is family money and his money is his own money? What’s his justification for that?

It's not his money, it's household income. His ESA is supposed to be a work replacement benefit when unfit for work (regardless of it being less than earnings would have been) and his PIP is for costs arising from his condition. In his circumstances he needs to see this as replacing his earnings. In your joint circumstances your household income should be pooled fairly. I am the breadwinner in my house as my DH is severely disabled, his military related benefit and pension are pooled with my salary for all our expenses. There is no mine and his.

We have the same age gap but as in my earlier post all our income is pooled. My DH has severe conditions too, mainly from military service, but absolutely sees all he gets as replacing as far as it can what he used to be able to earn.

@Pessismistic & @Bababear987
... and, I was right.

@cornflakecrunchie has your day been ruined by this. I think you need to remember people just want advice they don’t have to accept it or even agree but no need to say op is not coming back. No one knows what she’s going through.

DH and I have a similar age different , though slightly older so he's now past retirement age, having previously been on DLA etc.
We've always had separate finances, but agreed from the word go who was paying for what in proportion to what we have coming in...
So for example, he's always paid gas, electric, mobile phones, sky, most of the food bills etc and I pay the rent and the council tax.
It sounds like you need to sit down and work out a % contribution so that it's fairer whilst also acknowledging it's no point leaving him with no money for himself or leaving you with no personal money x

Food, shelter, clothing, water and electricity all help him live a more normal life and he should be paying for some of it.

@Pessismistic My day hasn't been ruined at all, I just don't know why posters ask for help & then disappear. We all try to help them & I think it's somewhat rude for them then to ignore us.
Either that or they do come back but give a million different reasons why they can't LTB etc.. can't help some people, I guess.

@cornflakecrunchie but there not obliged to come back sometimes a post just blows up and it can be overwhelming when you are already struggling did the op not want your opinion. Op that’s there prerogative I just think if someone needs help don’t judge them for not coming back or doing what posters say.

I was going to say that if he can walk the dogs, why can't he work???

The only way to play this is all the money goes into the joint pot, essentials are paid and the rest is split fifty fifty. If he wants more than that then it would be divorce. And see how he copes without your salary.

He needs to transform from a Charlie chillhead to a Charlie hustle. Ring local takeaways and see if they need delivery drivers then send him out 4 X a week. If he doesn't like it suggest he comes up with his own side hustle.

Some disabilities are invisible.. maybe he has been disfigured and can't face the public or maybe he has IBS and can't go without the loo for any length of time.

Maybe there aren’t many advertised jobs for dog walkers where he lives? Is it a common job? 🙄

Just because someone can walk doesn’t mean they don’t have many other limitations that affect their ability to work.