Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

But whatever income is named you have to pay rent, food and so in before having money for fun.

Given he can walk dogs, cook, clean and do DIY i am not sure he needs extra money for his disabilities. Even if he needed extra heating he isn't using it for that if OP pays the bills. Sounds like the sort of person who takes advantage (in this case of both his wife and the tax payer).

I know. I get standard mobility (30 pounds a week). I can do a lot less than OPs DH by the sounds of it.

It doesn't even sound like he is a good partner to you. It also doesn't sound like he is so frail he couldn't run the hoover and do some laundry and cook a few meals that were edible for everyone.

I think I would be done with him because he is only going to get worse as he gets older and you will be stuck working and being his carer

If you couldn't afford your rent by yourself surely splitting with another woman would be much better than staying with him

He's an arse.

If your money is joint money, so is his.

It’s good there is £4k to help your DD. You also have contributed to her costs. He may have saved the £4k when he was working

I think the issue is you haven’t both sat down and done a budget since he had to stop work and go on ESA & PIP. Communication is not good.

The money is joint, but you don’t seem to have allowed for either of you to have a certain amount to spend on treats for yourselves. It also seems like you aren’t equal partners in deciding expenditures or discussing purchases. The DIY stuff isn’t bad on the surface, the issue is that you had no idea he was planning to buy it. How is the autonomy between you two?

Disabled or not he’s selfish. If he can no longer bring earnings into the household he needs to use his benefits to provide for you all. Simply saying you continue providing PIP is my fun spending isn’t acceptable if he was saying well you know u use my PIP for care would be a different story but he’s a husband and should be contributing.

Not bothering paying into a pension is selfish. Why should everyone else pick up the bill (tax payers money paying for pension credit) when people spend their money and don’t plan for the future. Many people work hard and pay into pension and then couple £ above threshold for pension credit so end up with less to live on. I feel for you but your husband is selfish.

Get legal advice and start building yourself a savings pot as better to restart your life now than being stuck unhappy for years

And if he can only do one of the above activities for 1hr a day?
We already know he can’t actually cook despite attempting to. Cooking food that is inedible isn’t cooking.

Saying someone can do x, doesn’t mean they can do it more than 50% of when it’s required, safely, to a standard that is acceptable, without being in excessive pain and be able to repeat it within reasonable time.

Are you sure he doesn't have a pension, most high earning jobs come with a pension that he would specifically have to opt of of - as he can no longer work if he has one he may be able to claim it early.

He should still be paying towards food, rent, bills ect - id be concerned he is hiding money from you. Have you been through all accounts?

Isn't that what most people spend pip on? My son in law spends his on 2 family holidays to Greece each year. He sees it as extra money on top of his full time wages.

PIP also contributes to the individual's inability to earn an income and in this instance the OP's DH is also getting ESA. The fact is that he needs to contribute to the family pot which he doesn't seem to be doing. Thinking that this money should be for his sole benefit is why OPis resentful.

You can't afford cats and dogs, surely?

You can work full time and get pip.

He obviously doesn't think the food he cooks is inedible which us what counts! For PIP, they just ask if he can cook simple mesls. They don't ask you if you can only do each of the above activities for one hour a day. They just want to know whether you can do them. You get points if need assistance but not for being unable to do them fir several hours. Do you seriously think that they award pip because someone can only walk the dogs for an hour?

The questions about doing something repeatedly in reasonable time etc are relevant for esa not pip.

I know. I did work and get pip

No , the assessment is very different.

Woah there! Being disabled doesn’t entitle him to be a dickhead.

Why should he be resentful about sharing responsibility for bills with his wife who works full time and ends up does most of the grunt work in the home?

I don’t bloody think so!

Regardless of his disabilities, his wife shouldn’t be left with zero spending money of her own whilst her husband is frittering it away on gadgets and gizmo’s.

I’d be much firmer with him about sharing income and responsibilities. If he’d rather live on his own and have no one to care for him, he’s going the right way to making that happen.

PIP is also to allow you to pay for someone to do things you can’t do yourself. So as OP is effectively his default carer he should be sharing some of his PIP into the family pot

So you think because someone is on PIP they don’t have to pay anything to the families living expenses such as mortgage and bills, they begrudgingly ‘help’ pay for food because their wife covers all the other costs and needs help but because it’s called personal independence payment they should be provided for, contribute next to nothing and keep all the PIP money for their own interests?

The assessment is one thing, what PIP covers is broader eg a lower income if the recipient can't work full-time.

Regardless of that, the DH doesn't get to keep it all for himself. Being disabled doesn't absolve him from all responsibility for family life.

This would really piss me off.
He cares enough for DC to save up for uni but is unable to care enough to cook food that everyone can eat.

I'd consider what it is that keeps you in this relationship.

He’s being financially abusive.

It doesn’t matter if your money comes from work or benefits - it is shared income.

Seriously OP, you need to separate.

No that’s not what counts unless you’re being entirely unreasonable as to whether a disabled person can do a daily living activity. Example, person with disability thinks they’re dressed appropriately for the weather but they are not. Ergo they need help dressing. Example, disabled person thinks they’re safe to drive, but they’re going through red lights, almost hitting school children on zebra crossings and mounting the curb on corners. Example, disabled person thinks they can follow the route of a journey but nine times out of ten they have to ask for help, and/or frequently get lost.

That is why assessments are critical as is medical evidence. There are tons of disabilities where the person isn’t aware of their disability or even if they are, how profound it is compared to abled.

You said you think you can do far less than OP’s DH, perhaps you should apply to have your PIP reassessed. It is quite possible you should be getting more than you are,

He is absolutely taking the piss OP he either starts paying all his money in to the joint account and actually contributing to the household or you start getting your money paid in to a personal account in your name and live separately you pay your half of the bills and he pays his half you do your food shop he does his see how long he lasts what an absolute prick I’m sorry but people like this really get my back up

His benefits are in lieu of wages as he can't work. It needs to be handled as such. He cannot live in a house scott free. What a dosser.