Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

Agree, PIP & ESA is how he contributes financially and both his and OP’s streams of income should be treated the same.

I don’t think DIY items is frittering away on gadgets and gizmos.

The issue is lack of a budget and communication between them.

No, PIP isn't designed to cover a lower income if the person can't work full time. The questions are independent of that. I am very familiar with the questions and interviews and they are quite specific.

The post suggested it was suggest it was more falling for the shit that they sell in the aisle of crap in Lidl than paint and items that might ever be put to actual use.

The centre aisle isn’t always crap. You can get useful things for cheap.

If one of his disabilities means he impulse buys crap, then OP should be getting the milk and teaching him to do laundry.

Hang on a minute!! He’s resentful! He’s a fecking peach isn’t he! So he’s happy for you to slog your guts out and provide for the family while he’s kicking back on benefits and spending his money on shit for himself!! I don’t think so sausage!!
Can I ask what exactly he’s bringing to the marriage??

Just because someone is physically disabled it doesn't mean they don't know how to dress appropriately for the weather or that "nine times out if ten they can't follow a route or get lost". OP has not indicated her DH has any cognitive/intellectual disabilities. I certainly don't have any either.

Get rid of this leech.

My DM got PIP when she had cancer. She could still get out and about, walking places and do a basic house clean.
it’s based on individual assessment!

Yes I know just because a person is physically disabled, it doesn’t mean they don’t know how to cook or dress or safely follow the route for a journey.

However, it also follows that just because a person is not physically disabled it does not mean they can do these activities either. I have had relatives after a stroke who are perfectly physically able to walk the dog, clean, do certain diy tasks like hang a shelf as they always have but due to where the brain damage is they aren’t able to actually cook, dress appropriately or get about town independently. They also weren’t always aware of how bad they were. Those are activities under PIP.

These were examples of “a disabled person” to illustrate that a person thinking they can do an activity isn’t what counts for PIP. It was clear these were not examples meant to be linked to OP’s DH.

OP, has he had any therapy for this drastic change in life circumstances? Have you? It’s really hard to accept being permanently disabled and you are both likely resentful more at life turning out this way, grieving the life you should have had together and this anger is being misdirected into power struggles and arguments over money?

I appreciate that some people think they can fo things but can't and so would be entitled to PIP. However, OPs DH can cook, clean, walk the dogs etc she hasn't suggested that he just thinks he can.And your relatives who were unable to follow a route were not just physically disabled.

The questions about doing something repeatedly in reasonable time etc are relevant for esa not pip.

They are relevant for pip too.

The Reliability Criteria - The Key to Higher Descriptors
Before any descriptor is awarded, the DWP must apply four reliability tests set out in regulation 4(2A) of the Social Security (Personal Independence Payment) Regulations 2013:

1. Safely - the activity can be performed in a manner unlikely to cause harm to you or another, either during or after.
2. To an acceptable standard - the activity is performed to a standard reasonably comparable to a non-disabled person.
3. Repeatedly - the activity can be performed as often as is reasonably required.
4. In a reasonable time period - no more than twice the time it would take a non-disabled person.

If you cannot meet any one of these four tests for an activity, you should be scored as if you cannot do the activity at all. This is the single biggest reason claims fail at first decision and succeed at tribunal - the original decision-maker did not apply the reliability criteria properly.

@Moneyproblemgiraffe Feeling resentment towards someone who is very unwell and unable to work is wild.

Leave him and be single. He will be looked after.

You have zero rationale to claim he isn’t entitled to any PIP.
OP has indicated he can’t really cook. She’s feeding his delusion by eating inedible food.

At any rate, being able to do a bit of cleaning and walking the dog doesn’t exclude a person from being eligible for PIP. It’s more complex than you are saying and honestly it is very hard to get both PIP and ESA. Your allegations that he is not entitled and taking advantage are unfounded. You have no idea what his disabilities are.

If he can walk the dogs he can do practical things reasonably normally. Yes PIP is a personal benefit but ESA is meant to make up at least partially for the fact you can't work to earn your living. It's not meant as pocket money while your partner pays for everything.

Does he at least have the State pension, that is, the NI contributions to get the max?

Hopefully you are able to move to a cheaper area soonest.

Good luck!

@walrushurricane
You must be aware you can get PIP with no physical disability? Not all disabilities are physical.

@NotAtMyAge
If he can walk the dogs he can do practical things reasonably normally.

Massive and illogical assumption

Have you presented him with the household expenditure vs income? My DH is unable to work- I've had to be clear about budgets and how much disposable income there is (or isn't). In my experience, men can feel the need to retain some feeling of control when they lose their livelihood- but they need to deal with the practicalities and get over themselves.

Sounds hard op. Do you want to stay together?

Sick people can be dicks too.

YAVU for going 23 years without knowing he doesn’t have a pension! How are these
chats not had before you even move in? Also if he can walk a dog and play with gadgets etc doesn’t he have some level of ability to work, even a part time job? He’s neurologically sound enough to be conning you into meeting all his financial needs! He’s 60 and has cottoned onto the fact that he’s with a young woman who will support him fully and he can spend his £1000 play money however he likes. Get him told that either everything is joint money or he pays all his contributions (including 50% of all bills) from his solo income and you will do the same.

Could you be entitled to benefits if you left? Or kicked him out? Can you live with parents? Could you rent somewhere smaller?

im not one for shared pots but there is no reason why your money is shared and his isn’t. Has he always been in a position of power in this relationship? He’s taking advantage. It’s almost cruel. You deserve more than this.

I don’t think I can express this enough. He really is taking advantage of you and I would be looking at ways to leave. I’m so sorry