Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

I can understand him wanting to gift his DD some money for Uni. He’s probably annoyed with himself that he can’t cover the full cost. I wouldn’t hold this against him.

You mentioned moving back to Scotland one day. Will this be with him or without him?

So state pension then and that's it? Does he get a full pension - or did he opt out?

I'd be thinking carefully about what happens when he turns 67 and then what happens when you reach retirement age. Work out the options.

Now DD has gone to uni- could you take a lodger?

OP, how long has your DH been disabled? I ask this to try and ascertain whether he's still in the phase where he is trying to adjust to life no longer being what he expected, or whether he's had a decent period in which to adjust and is simply selfish?

Some people are so stupid it defies belief.

He will eat what you cook, without all the spices? Then why won't he take into account the rest of the family when he cooks?

It's things like this that annoy me. It's one thing being too poorly to work, it's quite another to check out of being a considerate member of the family.

Cheers, can he still get that when his wife is still working? Just googled, yeah, no ESA and he may still get PIP payments, unless governments start to rein in some of these types of benefits that they keep threatening. He may well be worse off by the time he retires.

Yes it's his money, but it is also his stomach the food is going into and his head that is being sheltered , and presumably partly his debts and bills that are being covered- it's his money to keep him in food shelter etc- not his money to spend as he likes while you pick up all the bills. He should be paying half the joint bills and overheads- no exceptions, if he doesn't see that tell him you are moving out and he will have to find all the money for bills and his food from his benefits.

It actually sounds calculated…. “Oh I try to cook, but no one eats it .. but it’s best if you just cook for everyone”

It isn’t HIS money, it’s family money. Since he can’t earn, the benefits are his contribution to the household. Can’t really believe he’d balk at this and try to keep it all for himself.

If he is able to walk the dogs and clean how is he eligible for PIP?

If your husband wants £1000 for himself a month you should have £1000 for yourself.
Great if you can afford it.

We can't - so neighter of us has an amount like that for fun and we share all eexpenses. It's called family life.

If not I would be a single mother. Rather that than being married to a selfish twat.

What on earth 😳😳😳 we are in exactly the same situation but roles reversed - I am your dh in this situation and we pool all our income, all benefits etc and we give ourselves an equal and set amount of money for spending. Your dh is a dick!

You clearly know nothing about PIP.

I do actually. I get the standard mobility and there is no way I could walk a dog and cooking and cleaning extremely limited e.g can't hoover. I can never work out how people who clearly are much more mobile and able to do more "activities of daily living" than me get so much.

State pension, pension credit, PIP.
I feel resentful this dickhead is getting taxpayers support!
'Fun money'. I Thought benefits were for essentials?

Because they are happy to exaggerate, to get more money.
Not that hard to work out.

They are bit easier if your partner pay for your essentials.

It is not his money, it is family money, simple as that. If he doesn't agree that everything goes in one pot so you both get an equal amount of personal spending money then I would seriously consider making plans to leave.

If he wants to spend money on gadgets he needs to get a fucking job!

I think we need more details to make a reasonable judgment about division of money. ESA is for normal living costs so I'd treat as essentially the same as your salary. It needs to be paying for the family/household stuff, with a bit left over for each of you for fun money (appreciate this last may be difficult).

Then PIP is meant to cover the extra costs of being disabled. Of course it's not really tailored to individual needs so some people will spend more, some less on their disability. I think there's some reasonable case to view that money as his. However if it's going on fun stuff then that's rather different and sounds like the household needs it more. At that point I'd be sitting down and looking at all incoming and outgoing money as a team and saying how do we make this work.

In addition there's an issue that he's spending money on stuff you don't need, not taking others' tastes into account when cooking.

Once he's reached retirement age if he's paid enough NI contributions he will get a state pension and continue to get PIP. However that doesn't help you in the short term.

In your position if he didn't step up and start contributing more of his benefit money, I'd be looking at separating and seeing what you could claim in Universal credit to top up your wages. You might end up better off and getting some of your rent paid. Also doesn't your DD with autism get any benefits that can contribute to household expenses?

Mmm..

It sounds like he's a bit of a dick and whether he gets benefits or not, that would still be the case.

PIP - this is his to spend on things that help with his disabilities, that might be different food, clothing, extra heating, it might be gadgets that help.. whatever. PIP isn't considered 'family money' automatically.

ESA - that should be going into the household pot, it is considered income (where PIP is not).

You sound resentful @Moneyproblemgiraffe and haven't been clear as to how much he actually contributes... from what you say, it sounds like he's a thoughtless and inconsiderate idiot and that is the real reason, the amount of benefits he gets is irrelevant really.

We divide the bills according to what we pick up each month. We have seperate accounts, but partner just transfers me his percentage of the bills. It's fairer to split it according to what you pick up, your DH should be contributing a percentage of what he gets, irrespective of whether wages or benefits. Then you both get a bit of disposable income, and it doesn't skint the lower earner out.

People who work can get PIP. You don't have to be bed bound to be entitled to PIP.

If he's 60, then I think its safe to say this will be your life for the next 20 years.
I think you probably need to have a think about whether on balance over the life of the marriage you will have given more than you've recieved. If he was a high earner until recently, maybe its not as unfair overall as it feels now?
If you feel that it is, then you're going to have to decide whether you can come to terms with it, or whether your resentment will eat you, so you're both more miserable together than apart.
Its really important you spell out to him how you feel, because there are changes he could make to help you feel better about this. Like seeing his ESA as joint money (PIP is supposed to be personal) and doing all he can to contribute in other ways.