Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

[Moneyproblemgiraffe]

Im having money problems with dh.
I am the only worker in the family.
Dh gets esa and pip.

We used to have him as a higher earner before he couldn't work. But I made about 60/70% of what he did.
But now I need to pay for everything, rent, bills, subscriptions, debts,phones, travel, food.
Honestly after a big shop I probably have £300 left for the month.
Dh gets about £1000 in benefits a month that we then need to rely on for food and extra stuff for the rest of the month.

He resents this so much as it's his money.
My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.
I'm feeling so resentful.
We live in the SE and rent so v expensive.
We have 2 dds, 1 off to uni and the other at college. Plus cats and dogs.
He does walk the dogs and sometimes clean but I do all the 'mental work' laundry cooking.
He has no pensions so it's not even going to get better.
Arghh not really an aibu but im tired

How long as he been off work?

Could you put him in charge of cooking the meals so that’s one less burden for you? Maybe then you could meal plan together to try and cut back on food waste.

I also think the age gap becomes noticeable from late forties onwards. My SIL is late 30s at the moment and her H is mid 50s (17 yr age gap), they’re about to have their 2nd DC. I do think she had her blinkers on when marrying him a year ago. Everything is rosy at the moment but give it 10 years and I don’t think it will be.

She didn’t say he keeps most of it.

Apologies @OPfor not understanding about the £300. He obviously does need to be putting some money in the pot - that’s what ESA is for.

I assume you’ve checked what else you’re entitled to including discounts? You should get a council tax discount (contact them you can get more than just the 25% off), you should get a Warm Homes discount on energy, if he gets mobility PIP you might get a vehicle tax exemption. Are you claiming Carer’s Allowance? Also look into the Universal Credit health element.

Yes well that’s obviously very different. I’m sorry sounds like he is being inconsiderate then. My DH is housebound so I assumed your DH was similar.

He will/ can cook but nothing anyone else will eat. Too much spice/ lentil etc.
I will eat but dds not. And so much mess.
Its just easier i cook but he doesn't take anyone else's preference into account

@Moneyproblemgiraffe what options do you have to fix this issue so that you’re happier?

ok there is being unwell and there is being a dick and both can be true. What happens when you try to talk to him about his family responsibilities?

He sounds very self absorbed

Can be explain to you why he thinks you should pay for everything and he should keep his benefits? I mean this genuinely.. What is his argument?

Unfortunately nothing for a while.
We moved closer to my parents and now my dm has dementia and my df is frailer so no change.
I was hoping to move back to Scotland at some point. I work remotely so anywhere.

So what you earn is joint money and money he gets in benefits is solely for him! Do you have any love or respect for this man? Would you be happier and better off without him dragging you down?

Op did say My money is paid into joint account only some of his is.

Why is only your money joint money? Add up all your outgoings and split them in whatever way seems fairest (most people suggest proportionately to earnings). Ensure you both have money each for savings and pension. Whatever is left over each person can spend on whatever they like. I'm sure he's really pissed off and fed up of his situation, but it's not fair to expect you to be absolutely everything to everyone while he fiddles about with DIY and sees what's yours as his and what's his as his.

Just tell him you want to also keep your money, so suggest you each have your own accounts, but then pay into a joint account 50% each towards all bills/food. Then you both have control over your own money and are contributing equally to the household.

I think it just came to head tonight
Dd is off to uni next week and he's apparently managed to save £4k for her.
I have borrowed money off my parents when the washing machine and fridge broke!
And I've paid for the train tickets/ hotel to uni and back!
Arghh

He has no pension apparently didn't see the point! 22 years I had no idea!

He's not spending it on physio, it's his fun money.

But I bet he’ll absolutely see the point of YOUR pension, and getting his hands on that

I don't understand why you two aren't working as a team here? Is this a relationship or are you lodgers?

What happens when he turns 67?

Doesn't it all end when get a pension? I am no expert on benefits but am sure that is what my next door said.

But he paid NI for at least 35 years I assume? That will give him full state pension which is about £1k per month. He could then get Attendance Allowance on top of this. Not sure if this is all on top of PIP though.

I'd divorce him for being stupid

Yes I can see you’ve made my point. Some of his doesn’t mean the minority. It could mean more than half, most. She hadn’t specified at that point.

No you can get pension credit

Exactly. I wouldn't put up with this. Either all money goes in the pot and what is left shared or he pays half of everything and you pay half. He can't have it both ways. Why can't he work?