AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

[Ickinspain]

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

Just wanted to say I am in Spain too with my husband and kids! I too am very very impressed with how well kept the women are! Good on them. Can’t say I noticed the men! Not sure why he would mention it to his mates aside from banter/bragging etc but really there is nowhere else to look. There was the most beautiful mum, slim, in just her g string bikini breastfeeding whilst in the coffee queue at the breakfast buffet yesterday morning!

I'd be really upset about this. Yes I notice other men, no I don't tell people about it or make it into something sexual (that I'm turned on) as it would feel disrespectful to my husband

Women do this,just the same.Dont like it/don't want to see it ?Dont snoop.Simple.

Also ita one thing thinking it, another thing commenting on it in the momebt, and to me it's another thing to tell a whole group publicly that you're thinking about snagging someone (that isn't your wife). I'd see it as a pretty public Diss. Appreciate other people have different views. I think the important thing is having aligned views in a relationship, as this has shown ita difficult when one person thinks 'it's only natural' and the other feels publicly humiliated

Sorry for the multiple responses. I'll stop posting soon! I also don't really agree with the 'don't snoop or you'll find something you don't want to see / hear'. My husband / friends wouldn't find anything mean about them or worrying if they snooped, anything I've got to say I'd say infront of him or keep it in my head. Again not everyone is like this, but there is a difference between sharing things that are on your mind, and 'banter' which objectifies women

This is interesting because there's a woman on Instagram who (jokingly) suggests breaking the law in Italy so as to be arrested by Italian policemen. What follows is a series of pics of extremely attractive police officers standing around chatting (I think the crime rate must be low). See, I've noticed how handsome they are and at my age too. When I told my stepdaughter how funny it was, she pointed out how differently I might feel if it was a man showing pictures of women. Until she said that, I thought it harmless fun, now I'm not sure and have decided to stick to hairdressers and SchiTzus. Maybe.

All men do this. In our absence they are entirely different and behave in ways they would not display to the women in their lives. I used to point out women who were good looking - this tends to short circuit DH's comments.

This

hold on a minute, who's to say we don't?
...if there's any honesty on here? and I think, generally speaking, there's a lot.
I've always referred to it as "window-shopping" (as in, "ooooh, there goes a very nice young man").
there's honest admiration of the form and there's creepy/slimy ogling.
tho' I'm vv old, I'm not averse to the sight of a nice young man in his swimmers.
what about Michaelangelo's David? that's high art and it's about appreciation of beauty of the human form.

in the eye of the beholder - that's what differentiation between ick and non-ick.

"differentiates" not differentiated - didn't spot the autospellmasher

I would acknowledge it in my head and then turn away. I wouldn't stare or ogle, and I certainly wouldn't text my friends to say that the men were turning me on. That's just gross and disrespectful. However, if I found out my husband was doing that, I would be tempted to dish out the same behaviour.

I totally agree with the poster who said he is more likely to be putting on a show for his mates and you know the real him. But either way it’s pathetic and who are these stupid middle aged men that think this is funny? Why can’t they just be more original.
Are they good friends or just lad mates? Doesn’t make any of it right, it’s a let down. I would just make it clear that you find messages like that quite hurtful and disrespectful. Give him the chance to do better. I can see why this has spun you out as you to hear that side of him, even if it’s just gross banter.

Yeah but women generally don’t go around raping and murdering younger men so it’s not quite the same, is it.

To be fair, men don’t generally do go around doing that either, it’s a tiny minority.

Do you fuck everyone you find arousing?

No - do you? Creep.

’I’d like to fuck’ doesn’t assume achievement.

I snooped on my exes phone once and found him sending messages to a friend about going the gym. He said ' it's full of hot women all stretching and showing their vaginas' ...well no wonder he was always going. I went the same gym..didn't see any vagina. He said it was male banter along with some other horrible stuff I found on there about myself..mostly saying he wasn't that into me even though he was begging to move in with me and start a family. Also found out he was messaging men to meet up..so yeah...that ended.
I think what your husband said is disgusting and creepy but I do agree it's just male banter and not really meant for you to read so not like he's done it deliberately to hurt you.

Haven't you noticed any yummy men?

Yanbu. If it’s made u feel uneasy then that’s because it’s not the person u thought u knew. Go with your gut x

The messages are crass and ugly and I understand fully why you dont like them OP.

They were not meant for you however, thats why its jarring.

As some posters have already attested women can be just as crude, if not worse.

Serves you right for snooping! Nothing good comes of it!

Absolutely 100% controlling. Imagine a man did this, reading his wifes messages. He would be burned at the stake on this forum. Grow the fuck up and stop being so controlling. Weird, weird woman.

Be happy in the knowledge that they ain't looking at the auld Mannie in the same light.

It reminds me of the bus drivers that knowingly drive off when an older passenger is close.
Now switch it young attractive woman not a problem to pull in and wait at the stop.

It's fucking pathetic and mate you've made cunt of yourself in front of the passengers and your belly touching the steering wheel ain't going to get her number.

Not fat shaming I'm a tubby.

This is men’s banter. Some women have similar banter and chat. It was private and you went looking. I would be more concerned if they were speaking like it publicly/in front of you.

My thoughts too .. women aren't saints either so let it go and enjoy your holiday!