AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

[Ickinspain]

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

👍

It's not something I would do, and I'd be put off if my DH did it. I'd be a bit grossed out if my friend sent me a message like that too. Not that I'd think poorly of them, I just don't want to know about their sexual thoughts.

"he got upgraded and I stayed with the baby with economy."
this. this is what my "what a prince" comment is about
No way my man is getting upgraded and I stay in economy, never mind with a baby
national male athletes or no national male athletes fgs

and "He was very apologetic" oh yes, I'm sure he was very apologetic, I'm so sorry Goditsmemargaret I'm 'taking one for the team here, it's terrible that I need to go sit in premium or business whilst you slum it back here in economy WITH THE BABY and the national male athletes'
if you think you were winning in this situation your man did a number on you!

When he says to other men 'I'd fuck that one...' he's implicitly saying '...rather than my wife, any day.'

Whilst both phrases are sleazy, it is still quite the leap from saying "I am turned on by the beautiful women in swimwear" and "I would fuck that one", let alone "I would fuck that one rather than my wife".

They are not the same thought at all.

I think you are kidding yourself.

what does ‘ I am turned on by..’ mean?!

either way he is talking about them as objects

“When he says to other men 'I'd fuck that one...' he's implicitly saying '...rather than my wife, any day.'”

Nice bit of hyperbole there. He didn’t say that.

He didn't need to. That's what implicit means.

I’ll leave you with your highly imaginative mind @thestudio

I bet your bottom dollar most men would be thinking it but not stupid enough to write it down in a text.

@Ickinspain

Now you've had a day or so to think, and hopefully time to read the replies here, how are you doing?

That's the point. They're doing something else when they write it down in a text and share it with other men.

Think.

Think? No I don’t need to, but you carry on with your thinking.

It what men do when they are not pretending to be respectable,respectful and not constantly objectifying women

I would never, ever look at a man in his trunks who is v handsome and fit, Ever, I wouldn't even notice if there were 10 of them 🙄😂

Of course you would. But you and @Desmondo2021 would be doing something very different from what men do, because we live in a patriarchal society in which women serve men's needs.

Just as a male stripper is doing something very different to a female lapdancer. It's about the context of the society in which we live - none of these things happen in a vacuum. They have different meanings and significance depending on who does them.

They weren't meant for you

Same!!

we were on holiday once and a navy vessel from the Netherlands was docked and they come to our hotel for the day! I must say me and a couple of the other women sitting round that day become very good friends as we watched them play water polo!! I also txt home to tell my friends!!

I would comment on some attractive women in skippy swimwear myself and I am straight

This is why you don't read other people's private messages.
I am not surprised you have the ick, but o good ever comes of snooping

What would you think if a female friend messaged abd said there were some fit blokes st the hotel?

You probably feel more upset because youve beem married for 20 years and he has a side you werent aware of. As long as everything else is fine then I wouldnt worry.

Male bravado and banter can often be crude, it's all for show. Sad I know 😞

This is why snooping is never a good idea.
But I understand how you feel, that would give me the ick and feel very insecure.

I can tell you, that women, especially women who've had a few to drink can be much much worse, commenting on good looking men! It's incredibly naive to believe that men or women don't communicate with their friends in this manner. It doesn't make them terrible people, who should be shot a dawn!

You shouldn't have snooped on your husband's phone. I've never looked at my husband's messages and he hasn't mine either. Why would I, there's no reason for me to do so.

I may get slated here but when my husband and I got together I took advantage of looking at Whatsapp messages when they were available because I wanted to know how he spoke about me to his friends, especially as a new girlfriend. I can honestly say i've never seen anything smutty, or even any reference to other women other than whether those in their friendship group were attending a particular get together. Surely that's not too unusual. I do think that's rude of your husband OP and i would call him out as you have done.

Absolutely. Im thinking about when I comment about a nice young waiter or the bloke that comes to fit the new gutters or something

People dont dry up to a husk over the age of 21, people fancy other people, its human nature. It would be odd if we didnt surely?

And so you message someone in idle chit chat, saying, lots of nice looking blokes here round the pool.

So what?

Agree, as OP says, she'd never have thought of him as that's type of men, but they walk amongst us.

Most men hide it well and there'll be women on here defending their own husbands/brothers/sons etc but it is a fact, most men think this way.