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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

209 replies

Ickinspain · 03/09/2026 14:34

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

OP posts:
thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 15:58

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 15:54

I think you are being very, very dramatic.
I've commented to my female friends about attractive men. Is that ok because they are men?

Agree. I think there are some rather over the top replies here.

I was recently at a mens football match, sent my friend a pic of the team warming up with some ‘jokes’ about how I’m only here for that (not true - I swear I wanted to watch the football)

I don’t think my husband would be that arsed and I don’t think I’m a creep 👀

letsgoanonforthis · 03/09/2026 15:59

Goditsmemargaret · 03/09/2026 15:41

Well mine would roll his eyes and laugh. We flew back from a holiday once and as our seats were no longer available he got upgraded and I stayed with the baby with economy.

He was very apologetic. As we took off I realised I was surrounded by a group of national male athletes who for some reason were crazy about the baby and spent the whole flight coming over to have a cuddle. They were on the whole beautiful looking men so I took great pleasure in telling everyone at home in his presence what a great time I had in economy.

Another prince of a man!

MummyOre · 03/09/2026 16:01

Now you've seen the 'real' side of him...

Morepositivemum · 03/09/2026 16:02

My friends texted me from Italy/ Ibiza to say how hot all the men were over there and everyone made jokes- I don’t know that it’s creepy, when we were in Italy I commented on how stunning the women were and dh joked about the men being too perfect- I don’t think it’s that different- it wasn’t I wish my wife looked like this!!

Happyjoe · 03/09/2026 16:04

This is exactly what I always say when women think their sons, husbands, fathers are all respectful of women. Wait til they think they are out of earshot and then listen. I don't think it is ever going to change.

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:04

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 15:58

Agree. I think there are some rather over the top replies here.

I was recently at a mens football match, sent my friend a pic of the team warming up with some ‘jokes’ about how I’m only here for that (not true - I swear I wanted to watch the football)

I don’t think my husband would be that arsed and I don’t think I’m a creep 👀

People saying that they would question if they could stay in a relationship with this man now.
These women must have led extremely sheltered lives!!

WorthyMintKoala · 03/09/2026 16:07

Coming from the same position as you where my husband is always complimentary to me and I’ve never heard anything disrespectful from him regarding my looks or those of any other woman, I too would be extremely shocked and upset if I saw messages like this from him. And of course like you fully expect he’s noticed them but it’s what he’s said that’s the issue. I really don’t to ow what I’d say to be honest but he would be clear that I was disappointed and upset.

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 16:08

boredwithfoodprob · 03/09/2026 15:54

But does that make right/ok? Of course not!

I didn't say it makes it right.

The majority of men say awful things about women all the time. Nothing surprises me. Men are men.

Yellowishflowers · 03/09/2026 16:11

I can appreciate a good looking man and I don't think my husband of 30+ years is blind either.

However there is some so juvenile, creepy, sleazy, and deeply unattractive at the idea of him messaging other men friends this whilst on a family holiday, or any other time.

I would be so disappointed and frankly ickyish about it.

I certainly would think so less of him and it would be something that would remain in my mind, unfortunately.

Good luck moving on from it in your head.

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:12

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 16:08

I didn't say it makes it right.

The majority of men say awful things about women all the time. Nothing surprises me. Men are men.

It's ok for you to say that about men though?

MyDeftDuck · 03/09/2026 16:14

What a charmer!…….Sounds like a letcherous old git tbh! Next time around the pool check him a pack of tissues and tell him to bugger off to the gents!

Minnie798 · 03/09/2026 16:15

Desmondo2021 · 03/09/2026 15:21

Am I the only person sat here reading this (as a basically nice, decent person) thinking it isnt outside of my realm of possibility that I would message a girls chat group with 'bloody hell, my peri menopause cant cope with the amount of sexy testosterone im having to endure around the pool? #wheredidiputmyrabbit' (or similar).

Im not sure it is the worst thing in the world said as banter.. depends how it was worded.

Edited

This.
Some of my girls chat groups have all kinds of shite in them.
I'd be absolutely furious if dp snooped through my phone and read messages between me and my friends. They are absolutely none of his business.

rollingeyes12 · 03/09/2026 16:18

My husband would not send these types of messages. When social media etc first started he used to show me some of the disgusting things some of his friends (they were more like acquaintances) would send him. He would reply saying take me off this group or whatever. His real friends don’t share stuff like that.

its shocking though which guys do it- our respectable neighbour started sending him when he got his phone number. Would never have guessed he would. Again dh had to tell him not to.

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 16:20

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:12

It's ok for you to say that about men though?

It's a known fact.

Waytoohothot · 03/09/2026 16:24

Id throw his phone in the pool and see how he likes it

TomahawkSteak · 03/09/2026 16:27

Yes it's grim although I agree with PP that it doesn't mean that the version in the chat is the "real him"- many men feel pressure to play up the oafish side of their personality in all-male groups just as they play down that side of their personality with their partners.

This does all seem to sit under "play stupid games win stupid prizes"- I'd find it a massive turn off to think my husband was messaging like a randy teenager about not being able to cope because there are- gasp- women in swimsuits by the swimming pool, but it would also be my own fault for snooping. We all bring different facets of ourselves to the fore in different contexts and we rely on the decency of those around us not to deliberate collapse those contexts together. You invaded his privacy and now you don't like what you saw- silly you.

Disturbia81 · 03/09/2026 16:30

Nah he sounds really laddish, I wouldn’t be with someone like this. How are you meant to feel about yourself when he’s ogling other women?

Disturbia81 · 03/09/2026 16:30

Nah he sounds really laddish, I wouldn’t be with someone like this. How are you meant to feel about yourself when he’s ogling other women?

DistanceCall · 03/09/2026 16:31

If it was women joking about the local himbos and hunks, nobody would bat an eyelid. It was a major element in, e.g., Sex and the City.

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 16:34

Waytoohothot · 03/09/2026 16:24

Id throw his phone in the pool and see how he likes it

How childish!

Holeymoley28 · 03/09/2026 16:35

I fail to understand the pressure part in this group chat at the very moment. It’s not like his mates are there also seeing these sexy ladies. He didn’t need to mention them at all even for male bravado.

So that’s a cop out.

He wanted to brag about all the sexy ladies. Most men would likely think it even if they didn’t text it.

As lots many many women would text a good female friend about omg all these sexy men. The bar boy bringing me drinks is hot and so on.

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:35

Disturbia81 · 03/09/2026 16:30

Nah he sounds really laddish, I wouldn’t be with someone like this. How are you meant to feel about yourself when he’s ogling other women?

You may well have been in a relationship with someone like this. How would you know?

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:38

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 16:34

How childish!

I totally agree. You snoop in his phone and then throw it into the pool.
I think there may be a cautionary tale here.

AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder · 03/09/2026 16:38

My DP is very un-laddish about that kind of thing, as are his friends really. But I really wouldn't mind if he made a comment like that. Two of my friends were on holiday together recently and messaged me to say they were on a beach watching a bunch of incredibly hot Italian men playing football in swimming trunks. They both have partners. I don't think I'd think it any different if my DP felt the same way about being surrounded by women in bikinis to be honest. It's not like people suddenly cease to notice attractive bodies just because they're married and/or middle-aged. and I don't think it's disrespectful to acknowledge that in a private conversation with friends.

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 16:41

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 16:38

I totally agree. You snoop in his phone and then throw it into the pool.
I think there may be a cautionary tale here.

It doesn’t even make any sense!

You find women attractive and joke about it with your friends so I’ll throw your phone in the pool?!
Bizarre