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AIBU?

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AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

209 replies

Ickinspain · 03/09/2026 14:34

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

OP posts:
21stNightOfSeptember · 03/09/2026 16:43

WhatHappenedToYourFurnitureCuz · 03/09/2026 15:17

No, it's nearly all of them. Of all ages.

I agree.

I’ve been on the receiving end of sexual derogatory comments by men of all ages. The youngest about 13/14 and the oldest actual pensioners.

Women, it’s time to wake up.

OriginalSkang · 03/09/2026 16:43

Telling your friends that you are turned on seems a bit far to me. He obviously has a different relationship with his friends! I'm really open with mine, probably to the point of tmi, but I don't tell them when I'm turned on

Whatsfortea88 · 03/09/2026 16:48

And yet recently there was a close to 40 page thread on pictures of sexy men, where people where saying at least that’s one thing we aren’t all falling out over. Totally different of course.

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 16:49

Match his frequency.

I'd start talking about another man's amazing abs to make him insecure.

OriginalSkang · 03/09/2026 16:53

There's a difference between saying you find someone attractive and saying 'I'm turned on right now because of this person'

NotMajorTom · 03/09/2026 16:54

Whatsfortea88 · 03/09/2026 16:48

And yet recently there was a close to 40 page thread on pictures of sexy men, where people where saying at least that’s one thing we aren’t all falling out over. Totally different of course.

Oh but that’s different. As are the women posting on this thread that they’d appreciate sexy men and post on a chat about it. None of those things are creepy or an issue at all.

clearly different rules apply

RowsOfFlowers · 03/09/2026 16:56

Omg, that would absolutely put me off him!!

Ace56 · 03/09/2026 16:57

Netcurtainnelly · 03/09/2026 15:02

Get rid of the messaging apps can't happen then.

Lol, what? 😂😂

sunnyfeet · 03/09/2026 17:02

vinhoepimenta · 03/09/2026 14:51

It’s disgusting but you shouldn’t have snooped on his phone so you are both unreasonable

ah, you sound like my ex who decided that my looking at his phone was as big a sin as the affair (of his) it uncovered. So he was somehow off the hook.

It doesn’t work like that.

RikthePoet · 03/09/2026 17:04

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 16:08

I didn't say it makes it right.

The majority of men say awful things about women all the time. Nothing surprises me. Men are men.

All heterosexual men notice attractive women.

Polite heterosexual men won't mention it to their partners.

Good heterosexual married men won't mention it to anyone, including their mates.

(But... if they are mentioning to their mates, is it actually awful to say that they are "turned on" by beautiful women in swimwear?)

RikthePoet · 03/09/2026 17:06

a) what is that difference?

b) the OP's husband didn't say that.

Nighthop · 03/09/2026 17:06

You shouldn't of looked at his phone. You can now make yourself miserable and spoil your holiday or think what an idiot he is and get on with enjoying yourselves. You have a solid marriage you say, so forget about it. Men are often stupid.
Dont carry on reading this thread because people love to work you up into a fury .

RoseandGrace · 03/09/2026 17:08

I’d be disgusted if I found out my husband had invaded my privacy like that never mind what had been discussed in a group chat with friends which was never for you to see.

BlueFahrenheit · 03/09/2026 17:10

RikthePoet · 03/09/2026 17:04

All heterosexual men notice attractive women.

Polite heterosexual men won't mention it to their partners.

Good heterosexual married men won't mention it to anyone, including their mates.

(But... if they are mentioning to their mates, is it actually awful to say that they are "turned on" by beautiful women in swimwear?)

I wouldn't be offended because I look great in a swimsuit, and I also gaze at other men through my shades 😂

If I saw a man with Henry Cavill's physique wearing his budgie smugglers and packing a mouthful, yes, I would tell my friends and be turned on!

BoredZelda · 03/09/2026 17:11

WhisperingHi · 03/09/2026 15:16

Don’t you mean, what is it with married people people secretly messaging vulgar things?

How many secrets are you hiding from your spouse?

You call it secretly messaging, most would call it privacy.

Towmthings can be wrong at the same time.

vinhoepimenta · 03/09/2026 17:11

sunnyfeet · 03/09/2026 17:02

ah, you sound like my ex who decided that my looking at his phone was as big a sin as the affair (of his) it uncovered. So he was somehow off the hook.

It doesn’t work like that.

Ah and you sound like my abusive controlling ex who accused me of cheating when I went on instagram

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 03/09/2026 17:12

Some women have a very low bar and think it’s ok for their husbands to text rheir mates they’ve a hard on about another woman when you’re laying there right next to him, it’s tragic.

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 17:13

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 16:41

It doesn’t even make any sense!

You find women attractive and joke about it with your friends so I’ll throw your phone in the pool?!
Bizarre

Sorry, I didn't word that well at all. I was agreeing with a poster that it would be childish to throw your partners phone into the pool.

susiedaisy1912 · 03/09/2026 17:13

Tel12 · 03/09/2026 14:54

Well it's what a lot of men think. Gross but it's a fact.

This. Most men if they think they can get away with it behave this way.

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 17:15

user1464187087 · 03/09/2026 17:13

Sorry, I didn't word that well at all. I was agreeing with a poster that it would be childish to throw your partners phone into the pool.

No, I know!
It was me you were agreeing with haha.

Sorry, I meant throwing your partners phone in the pool because he’d sent messages you didn’t like didn’t make sense!

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 03/09/2026 17:16

susiedaisy1912 · 03/09/2026 17:13

This. Most men if they think they can get away with it behave this way.

Some men, not most, men are like women, some of us have basic standards

thisfilmisboring123 · 03/09/2026 17:16

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 03/09/2026 17:12

Some women have a very low bar and think it’s ok for their husbands to text rheir mates they’ve a hard on about another woman when you’re laying there right next to him, it’s tragic.

‘Have a low bar’

Was wondering how long it would take for this line to be trotted out.

pilates · 03/09/2026 17:17

If you go snooping, be prepared to find something you don’t like. Of course it’s natural to look but his mistake was putting it in a message. Move on.

sunnyfeet · 03/09/2026 17:18

vinhoepimenta · 03/09/2026 17:11

Ah and you sound like my abusive controlling ex who accused me of cheating when I went on instagram

The difference being my ex really was cheating

vinhoepimenta · 03/09/2026 17:19

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 03/09/2026 17:16

Some men, not most, men are like women, some of us have basic standards

Why are you on Mumsnet? Why can’t men just let women have a space to vent without getting emotional and feeling like they have to make everything bloody men’s rights activism? Go and put your energy into supporting dv victims or war victims and respect our right to safe spaces to vent