AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

[Ickinspain]

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

"Women have very little idea of how much men hate them" as Germaine Greer said.

So many men are just pretending to see women as full human beings so they can have sex and outsource all the shit bits of being an adult.

Fair. If dh didn’t trust me and felt the urge to check my phone, I’d tell him there’s no point being together if the trust was that bad

Absolutely, I echo this.

I am astonished by women who refuse to acknowledge male nature.

"My DH would never do such a thing"
"My son is such a good lad and would never"

Ah yes, the secret life of men.

I have worked for many many years with mainly men, and I can tell you, they mainly disgust me. I am beyond the point of surprise. I always think ‘really’ when someone (on here) says oh no my DH isn’t blah blah blah, I’m think, you reckon? - I’ve seen it all from quiet Kevin, to lovely Simon. Those who aren’t like that are the minority. I’m also talking educated, high achieving, not just your builder types who get the finger pointed.

I’d move on, feeling a little more world weary OP

I had never been a phone-checker before, but a couple of unusual incidents made me suspicious. Female intuition is rarely wrong, but thats a whole different thread!

What wrote is the issue to me eg if he’s been asked how the holiday is going and he replied lovely hotel great food pools good and there’s so many gorgeous women i wouldn’t get my knickers in a twist, it’s just banter, it’s the bit about being turned on that is ick.

however I wouldn’t let it ruin my holiday, I’d be seeing if he is ogling etc before confronting

I'm with the 22% that said YABU.

He is human and just because he married you doesn't mean he stops being attracted to others.

And commenting to his mates is just saying "out loud" what he was thinking.

I'd be quite worried if my DH didn't find other women attractive. It doesn't bother me if he says they're attractive. Just because someone is attractive doesn't mean he wants a relationship with them.

I find other men and women attractive and will say so.

I really hate the idea that being in a relationship means you need go stop being human.

If he didn't write it down would you have felt better? Because he still would have thought it.

I thought it was you I was replying to. 😀
I just could not be bothered to get upset by this.

So far this year, five people who I am friends with have passed away, 2 of them young.
It just puts things into perspective. 'Oh no my husband finds women in swimwear attractive and told his mates'
Big wow.
Sorry for the rant though.😀

It’s never their Nigel he wouldn’t do such a thing. Nor would their darling Stephen.

Must be a misunderstanding.
Someone hacked them.
Accidentally downloaded that within another file.
A friend took their phone.
I thought it was funny she’s just stuck up.
She led him on.

This is why some men think they can treat some women with contempt.

Be honest about how men can be — and that includes your husbands and sons too.

"BeEagerRubyBird · Today 15:58
I agree it depends on what was said exactly. I can totally imagine my group chats with my 40 something female friends praising a bit of eye candy round the pool, meaning no disrespect to our partners at all! I also agree with PPs that you shouldn't have looked, that was not a group chat you were in and therefore private."

This. As another poster said, I'm a heterosexual woman but I also can't help noticing some of the very scantily clad women around a pool, just as I would notice hot men. I can imagine commenting to friends in a fairly casual way about it.

It doesn't sound like he said anything too serious about it - obviously, if he'd said: "I wish Ickinspain looked like that" or "I wish I was with one of them rather than Ickinspain" that would be a different matter, but it doesn't sound like he said anything so hurtful.

What?

I get why you're disappointed and hurt after twenty years. I don't know whether I think most men would behave this way - I hope not but as a woman, I can't really be sure. The only thing that I would say is that men don't seem to realise how they appear when they indulge in teenage/young adult behaviour/banter into their forties/fifties and God forbid their sixties.

To any men reading ... you may lust after younger women but for goodness sake, do yourselves a massive favour and keep it to yourselves and certainly don't commit the sin of voicing it on a What's App group where it can be read by people it isn't intended to be read by (see the OP's post) - it can even appear screenshotted on the internet! Be a little smarter.

Nope it’s most men when they get together if they’re given the chance.

I reckon my husband would 100% be eyeballing woman I eye ball men and some women tbh.

I bet the staff room at work definitely has some of the men chatting about stuff they wouldn’t want us wives overhearing. Much like WhatsApp’s with my friends I wouldn’t want him to read though sometimes even that chats about the women with the shorts so tight and tiny I can see her pubes sticking out or something 😅 I must be a man deep down.

My sons had more girlfriends than I care to count in the last 2 years. He is a player.

No point in pretending.

Yeah he’s kept that seedy side hidden. What a vile piece of shite!
I’d be seriously thinking about dumping his arse.

Do you have a DD OP?

If so, have you considered asking him how he would feel if he knew a man older than her was messaging his buddies about how sexy she was?

If it’s something he thinks “all men do” does he realise that how men talk about you OP, talk about his mother/sister/daughter/cousin/aunt, and is he happy about that.

Is he happy with other men using you OP as wank fodder, or does he not like that?

My holiday to Brazil made me salivate. Goodness, I could not stop looking at the men. I thoroughly enjoyed watching beautifully chiselled men playing volleyball. Delicious.

I don’t have relationships with sleazy laddish men with groups of male friends.

Man finds women sexually attractive. Shocker!

So you don't allow your partners to have male friends? You sound strange!

I agree with you, which is why I rarely take men seriously.

Being an escort in my 20s was quite the experience. As you have implied, all types of men can behave in such a manner.

I could not get worked up about this. It’s no secret men like attractive women in swimwear.

You were out of order to look through his phone.
I’d be busying myself by eyeing up the hot men by the pool and maybe telling DH about it 😆
Honestly, some reactions here are over the top.

Two can tango! 😂

I really don't think him finding them eye candy is the issue at all.
It's the publicly announcing it that is off.
Sleazy men do that IMO.