AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

[Ickinspain]

Currently on holiday in spain with husband of 20yrs and our 2 children. This morning I was using chrome on my husbands phone as mine had no battery. I also checked his family WhatsApp group for updates on my mil who has been unwell. I happened to also look(snoop) on his friend's group, and was shocked and disgusted by what he wrote. There was a msg he wrote a couple of days ago referencing the amount of naked flesh on display. And then yesterday again he msged friends saying how turned he was by the women around the pool. Now we are at a very nice resort and most of the women are all very beautiful, slim, model-like bodies in skimpy swimwear. Of course I expect him to notice and have no issues with this. But for him to msg his friends what he did gave me major ick. It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well. I brought it up with him saying I felt it was gross and disrespectful to me. He says I'm making too much of it and it's just male banter and jokes.
So would you agree this is just how men talk or am I right to feel disrespected.

Your DH is just bigging up the surroundings to get his mates jealous (for a laugh). Ignore it and let him get on with it.

Quite!

Showing off to his friends. Pathetic.

Why did you look in the first place? Checking his family messages was bad, but at least you had a reason, but checking private conversations? Massive red flag.

You now know what he and his friends are like when they get together OP.
All the respectful behaviour is just a mask that they put on
If he is sitting there lusting after other women while he is sat next to his wife I wonder what he is like when he is out with these pals?

A good example of the fact we don't really know even tbe people we think.we are closest to.

I would be slightly repulsed if my teenage son was writing messages like this - objectifying women. If my husband had written this I’d be mortified to the extent I’d question our future together and an attitude like this is quite symbolic.

You have no right to police his private thoughts or conversations. Jesus, how controlling.

I don't know, the worst I heard was a group of older women going on about the young male waiters at a dinner show thing after work. Really nasty, and they were even joking about "how to kill men and get away with it". The other way round, there would have been uproar.

Well, is it a glimpse into a seedier side of him he hides from you or is it meaningless twattery with 'the lads'? Not great either way but at least you know now.

Do you have a daughter by the way?

Personally, I would say you’re more unreasonable for looking through his messages. Can you honestly say on nights with girlfriends or in your own group chats you’ve never commented about a good looking fella?! If he’d said it in front of you I’d be saying he’s out of order, but this is just how guys chat. I think the real thing you need to be getting to the bottom of is why you felt the need to snoop in the first place…

Did he say anything disrespectful about you? He can say what he likes really when he's chatting to friends. Does he vet your private conversations? You can't be shocked that men speak differently when there are no women around surely.

What men say about women when they think we are not listening is quite the eye opener.

Well mine would roll his eyes and laugh. We flew back from a holiday once and as our seats were no longer available he got upgraded and I stayed with the baby with economy.

He was very apologetic. As we took off I realised I was surrounded by a group of national male athletes who for some reason were crazy about the baby and spent the whole flight coming over to have a cuddle. They were on the whole beautiful looking men so I took great pleasure in telling everyone at home in his presence what a great time I had in economy.

YABU, you took it upon yourself to look through 2 group chats just because you had access to them. You were out of order.

I don't get the whole privacy thing when you're married. You share bodies, lives and yet a phone is off limits?

Phones are only off limits when people have things to hide.

It's natural to notice other people, especially scantily clad/beautiful people. That's normal and human. Male or female, it's just humans.

It's objectifying and creepy to text your grubby wee mates about them and how much complete strangers turn you on. Gross.

Maybe I'm naive but I honestly do not think my DH would cross that divide. I guess that's how OP also felt. I would be really disappointed and repulsed though.

I think this is a very strange way of thinking. Despite being married, you are still your own person and should have your own privacy. If you have a good marriage, you don’t need to look through one another’s phones as you have trust.

Completely disagree.

I’m allowed to say things I wouldn’t want my husband to read in private converstions to other people.

And to add, I don’t tend to slag him off and have never cheated on him.

Would be absolutely furious if my husband read my messages.

Male nature. Many men behave like this.

But does that make right/ok? Of course not!

I think you are being very, very dramatic.
I've commented to my female friends about attractive men. Is that ok because they are men?

Yep, how I felt about my DH would be fundamentally changed after this, and I don't think I'd forget it. Not sure what I'd do.

"ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well"

yep men in general just give me the ick and your thread doesn't surprise me in the least, it just saddens me further and compounds my views: I no longer believe there are still a bunch of 'good ones' out there.

I think telling his pals that he is getting turned on by all these other women when his wife is sat right next to him is pretty disrespectful to OP actually. Not very nice to know he finds them more attractive than the woman he is supposed to love and who he is married to.

And if he was a decent person it wouldn't matter a jot that OP looked at his messages.
It's only an issue because he has something to hide: the fact that his respect for woman is just a mask.

I agree it depends on what was said exactly. I can totally imagine my group chats with my 40 something female friends praising a bit of eye candy round the pool, meaning no disrespect to our partners at all! I also agree with PPs that you shouldn't have looked, that was not a group chat you were in and therefore private.