AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Fucks sake, the bar is in hell!

Sorry OP but he sounds very creepy & pretty vile actually. This would make my skin crawl ugh.,.

This is coercion. Which is a criminal offence. He is sexually abusive. He's certainly not a lovely man who treats you well. He treats you well to coerce you into doing things you don't want to do. It's the very definition of abuse.

So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else.

OP, do you see how awful that sounds? He is pressuring you to do something you don’t want.
We only get one life. Do you really want to spend your later years with this selfish, randy old goat?

This is abuse. Leave.

The groups with highest growing rate of sexually transmitted diseases is the over 65s I believe.

I would have left the point my DH told me he was bi. He clearly told you in order to express that side of him and that equals marriage over.

You are perfectly entitled to leave over anything outside the marriage vows. It's a contract that he has broken. All the rest is white noise.

Divorce. Do it amicably if that will better serve your impression of him as a nice guy but divorce his bisexual ass all the same.

Some men are gut churningly vile and he either has been all along or has turned into one as FOMO builds and he ages. Yuk.

Find your anger @DiabeticChocolateLover . Don't just go with the flow.

“You love the travel” lol sorry OP that’s made me laugh ! Just suggest a scenic day out somewhere if that’s the case ! Seriously though he’s got no respect for you I couldn’t stay with someone like that he sounds bloody grim

im sure the nearly 200 posts are all about how vile and abusive he is, which he is, but enough for op to get the message.

so op, how can we help you here?

the bit from you op that is telling is ‘he looks after me so well’. That must be why you stay and put up with this, but what do you mean by it? What does he do?

If you mean financially, do you even know that whatever assets either of you have, including pension are joint and will be split in a divorce, regardless of whose name they’re in? You can do some research on this online without needing to respond.

or do you mean he does the housework and cooking? I’m going to guess not, given the picture you’ve laid of him.

or maybe he does the driving? Easily fixable, by you learning, using public transport, or finding female friends who are happy to drive so that you can travel.

just explore all the options op. I don’t think any amount of ‘looking after you so well otherwise’ could possibly make up for this sexual abuse and coercion.

So you married in your mid to late forties or even fifty, then later on your H told you he was bi? Which he'd known all along, of course, just hadn't bothered to tell you.

He doesn't want you to enjoy yourself, else he wouldn't be pressuring you to have sex with other men. This all about him & his wishes and please try to withstand his tactics. It'll do you no good to give in.

YWBU when you gave in and did something you didn't want to do. I couldn't get past my husband encouraging/cajoling/forcing me into something I didn't want to do, whatever that was, least of all having sex with other men.

I think you have to accept he's actually not lovely and your marriage isn't that great. You can do better, and deserve to

Sorry if this has already been shared, haven’t read the whole thread yet. But feels v relevant.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c87q7g48y4po

I work in healthcare & we have an ED clinic within our Urology OP. We have men in their late 80s attending! NHS spends money to make sure very elderly men can still get hard ons while women’s health is severely neglected & underfunded. According to someone who works there many of them want to watch porn well after they are physically capable of having sex.

The OP hasn’t been back. Have we scared her off with the truth about her DH?

I’ve started listening to this. My god.

OP the fact he’s continuing to pressure you even though he knows you really don’t want to is a huge red flag. He’s not a “lovely guy”. Not in the least.

He’s not lovely, he’s a coercive abuser. Probably the type to drug and abuse you in your sleep.

You do not have to do this. In your shoes, I’d get a divorce asap.

Apologies as I clicked YABU by mistake - you’re not being unreasonable to not want to swing!

He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me

This isn't true; if he wanted you to enjoy yourself he'd listen to you and respect what you're saying.

He doesn't care whether the 3rd wheel in this scenario enjoys themselves or not.

He wants to see someone else fucking you because the thought of that (and possibly even the fact that you're reluctant) turns him on.

He has no respect for you, your feelings and your body.

What a vile man.

I can't get past the bit where according to him there is 'no point' going away unless you shag random people while you're there.

Also you've 'managed to avoid having sex with anyone else' (so far). So coercive.

I very much doubt the scenario TBH.

He’s not lovely. YABU for putting up with it for this long.

That’s not a helpful perspective. It’s not easy to leave a controlling partner.

There seems to be a thread on a similar subject every few days so im inclined to agree. The bullshit threads lately are either im far too wealthy and here is my dilemma...insert absolute crap about horses or holiday homes, or my husband is trying to get me to sleep with other people. And no matter how much they are reported, MN always "gives the benefit of the doubt" its starting to get a bit ridiculous now.

Someone even posted the other day asking if MN are just making these threads up and it does make you wonder.

Instead of calling bullshit,n you should report the thread.

i haven’t read the replies as it’s late, I expect others have already said this, but please listen to Swingers on BBC sounds. I think you will feel better informed and empowered to say no. He is coercing you into something you do not want to do, it would probably escalate. He is not a good man at all. Nobody is all bad, please do not think that because he is decent in other areas he is a good husband. A decent man would not be asking g this of you.