AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Why do you think that what he wants is so much more important than what you want?

It isn't.

I think he's slowly groomed you into accepting a whole lifestyle you don't actually want. And this isn't like keeping him company at the football every week this is really big stuff he is putting you through.

You don't have to put up with this and nothing else he does, literally nothing, can make up for him putting you through this.

He does not respect you OP. Here's some useful info about consent.

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Jeez how do these grim pervy men manage to get long suffering partners who bend over backwards (literally) to please them? Ffs op, tell him to fuck off and have a cup of tea in peace.

What a seedy, grubby little man. He’s not lovely, he’s fucking awful. If he doesn’t get his own way, he sulks and emotionally blackmails you into going along with it. That’s emotional and psychological abuse. Do you know what it’s called when someone emotionally blackmails you into having sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with? That’s the man who vowed to love and cherish you.

You’ve essentially given him carte blanche to take himself off and do what he likes, but that’s not enough for him, is it? He wants to force you to be part of his fantasy. And I’d imagine he’d get a lot further in a swingers group as half of a couple than he would as a single man. Don’t they have rules about single men? He’s using you for his own ends.

I cannot see how this marriage can possibly survive his demands. He’s clearly not going to stop pushing you, so you either go along with it and eventually realise what that’s done to you, and then spend the rest of your life recovering from that, or you tell him to fuck right off with his demands and he switches up his abuse out of anger and resentment that you won’t do as you’re told.

Tell this pervert to get fucked and LTB. My ex was into all this and he made my life a misery. Im so glad I got rid of him. In my 60s too and no way Im doing this with rancid weirdos.

Christ, it never fails to amaze me what sex obsessed animals men are. It doesn’t get any better with age I see.

He’s pushing 70, can’t he experience joys from life by visiting a fucking garden centre? Joining a book club? Oh no, that just won’t do. He has to fuck other men in saunas while he wife is cooking the dinner. Pervert.

I’d hate to know about his sordid antics when he was at his young prime attractiveness and his testosterone levels were at their peak.

Over 65s have the second highest level of STIs as an age group. So clearly lots of people

Over 65s have the second highest level of STIs as an age group. So clearly lots of people

He is not a lovely guy , he is abusive and is continually trampling over any boundary you try to set. I think you have boiling frog syndrome … you’re so far in it you can’t see how the is .

He's mentally abusive and unfaithful. Dump the git. He's never going to stop pressuring you to do what he wants.

So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else.

The very fact you have written this sentence like it's in anyway normal or OK says it all OP. He's erodeding your boundaries. You tried the sauna, you hate the sauna, stop going. It will eat away at you and he is not lovely he's a pushy sex pest. Lovely men don't pressure and sulk at their wives to be sex toy props. He knows full well you won't enjoy it so the "I want you to enjoy yourself" is crap.

Coerce is the correct term.

OP. This is abuse. It’s coercive control.

Call a domestic abuse helpline and talk through your relationship and see what comes of that conversation.

Please listen to Swingers by on BBC Sounds. It’s a series of programmes to listen to which highlight the role of coercion for workers men using swinging websites. One male user is interviewed and admits he has been to ‘swing’ where women have looked scared or sad at what they’re having to do. I would everyone to listen to understand the power pressure can have, not just for themselves but to be aware for their friends.
I’ll include a screenshot which will hopefully be published, the series is from radio Wales

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm wondering if there have been scenarios in the past which you've initially said no to, which with some persuasion, or more likely coercion, You've ended up going along with. And now in his eyes, 'no' means keep trying and eventually you'll give in. I really thing you need to think about where your own boundaries lie - what you are genuinely happy to do - and communicate these to him clearly, making him aware that they are not up for discussion!!! If he continues pushing you, don't enter into a conversation about it, simply repeat a chosen phrase e.g. "that's not something I'm up for, and I'm not prepared to discuss it any further." I'm sorry to say that if he doesn't respect this boundary, it may be worth reconsidering the relationship.

🤮

What on earth. I’ll never look at the old dears in the same way ever again.

One male user is interviewed and admits he has been to ‘swing’ where women have looked scared or sad at what they’re having to do.

This is so sad. I despair at what women go through into to please and keep their husbands. Most men would cut their losses and leave us if we put them through half of what they did. We could actually learn something from them.

Everything I read about original sexual practices - on this site mainly - says that consent and communication are even more essential.
So he... registered "jointly" to a swinger's site without asking you first. What, is he describing you or showing photos of you there as well? Without asking your opinion?

You need to decide two things

• what you tolerate he does and still be in a relationship with you
• what you enjoy, don't enjoy, and at what point those hobbies of his are without you

And if he's drifted away so far that your relationship isn't genuine anymore... People change. It sounds like he has.

A lovely guy who looks after you would not be pressurising you to have sex when and with who you don't want to

I’d swing for him but not in the way he expects!

think that's what the op's husband is hoping she'll do so he can go and be free and gay without guilt. Really dull when people choose to be abusive rather than just to man up and break up with someone. having multiple cakes and eating them too it seems. Although, op is a bit ridiculous and giving mixed messages...she "likes the travel" with the swingers clubs? but not what he does when he's there? what does she expect him to do on a swinger's holiday?? just sit about by the pool?

This 👏🙂

He's a deviant, not a lovely man.

No he wants her there. He goes off on his own too but he drags OP along as that's part of his fetish.

Guilt doesn't seem to be something that troubles him.

It’s fine if that’s not your kink, but he should not be pressuring you just because he thinks you will eventually just give in. If you have said no and he continues to pester that crosses the line into manipulation. That doesn’t make him a nice guy that makes him a jerk! No means no, he should have accepted that the first time you said no.