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Original poster

AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

207 replies

DiabeticChocolateLover · 01/09/2026 19:16

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

OP posts:
Bluenotgreen · 01/09/2026 19:58

Have I understood you correctly? He’s having sex with men/others and still having sex with you?

Are you not terrified of getting an STI?

He sounds absolutely grim. Bin him. I’m single and sixty and it’s bloody marvellous.

Dryshampoofordays · 01/09/2026 20:01

NO NO NO NO NO! He is pressuring you to have sex with other men without your consent. You are not his property and he is not your pimp! I’d check the bedroom and bathroom for hidden cameras, OP. Men like your husband get a thrill from violating their wives.

You don’t have to choose between forced rape or “unbearable atmosphere from his sulking”. Choose the third option, leave him and be free and safe.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/09/2026 20:01

I’m sorry but he’s coercing your consent. You’re not saying yes to this willingly and freely. You need to leave him.

outerspacepotato · 01/09/2026 20:02

He's coercive and controlling. He controls where you travel and he sulks when you don't do what he wants sexually. His sexual interests are obsessive and he has escalated a lot over time from your description.

Get regular STI testing and talk to your doctor about going on PrEP for HIV prevention if you choose to stay. Your husband is quite possibly having unsafe sex with others.

I personally would leave, he's not a lovely man.

jeaux90 · 01/09/2026 20:03

What a disgusting man. Please get divorced and have a lovely life

Tiggermad · 01/09/2026 20:05

I’d have to leave him. As people have said he’s a sex pest end of.

Dryshampoofordays · 01/09/2026 20:08

And tell everyone why you left. Don’t protect him. As Gisele Pelicot said “shame has to change sides”

scoobysnaxx · 01/09/2026 20:08

You just need to split at this point. You’re no longer compatible. I couldn’t look past the pressuring.

blubberyboo · 01/09/2026 20:09

It’s scary to think there are women living like this with a rapey coercive controlling man.

you’ve said no. No means no

If he knows you well like a man should know his wife he knew when he married you.

FannybygaslightinGovan · 01/09/2026 20:11

Jesus, he's a total sex pest.

Take him to the sauna, leave him there and live happily ever after with your cups of tea 🩷

GrantMyWishes · 01/09/2026 20:13

Come on OP, I'm almost your age, where is your self respect? Have you ever been able to communicate with him, or have you always caved in and let him have his own way eventually?

The chances are, realistically that you don't have many years left to live your life, so every day that you continue to put up with him trying to persuade you to do things that you don't want to do, is a day wasted!!

Put a stop to this NOW!!

Tell him, you don't want to have sex with other people, you probably don't even want to have sex with him, so tell him that too, and then tell him that he's welcome to live the rest of his life the way he wants to, but you won't be joining him. Then either pack his bag, or yours, and put an end to this once and for all.

Once you've done that, set about doing the things that YOU want to do, and make EVERY DAY count, as you never know when time will run out!

Redflagsabounded · 01/09/2026 20:13

Oh honey, you poor thing.

Are you really okay with him having sex with other women/men? As in not just go along with it, but it makes you happy that he does.

Does he get regular STI tests? Do you? There's some that condoms don't protect against very well if at all. God help you if you get your first herpes attack.

He was a shit not to tell you about being bi and a swinger until several years into your marriage. He didn't suddenly change - it's important information he concealed from you. Lying by ommission.

I know you probably love him and I know he's got a good side. But

  • he lied to you about his sexual side until you were well settled into marriage - manipulative
  • he uses coercion to try to get his own way - this is a legally recognised form of domestic abuse
  • he is unfaithful and puts your health at risk

It must be hard to think about choosing a different road at age 70, but you need to think about it. He isn't as nice as you think. And I totally understand why that is hard to swallow.

Do you still want this life in 10 years time? Then why in 10 months, or 10 weeks?

Shtototptptp · 01/09/2026 20:16

I wouldn’t want this kind of shit in my 40s never mind my 60s.

And OP, he’s not a lovely guy. He’s coercing you into sex acts you don’t want to do. That’s not lovely.

Starlight7080 · 01/09/2026 20:17

So basically he sleeps around with men and women and wants you too so he doesnt have to feel any guilt around it.
Thats awful . He sounds grim.

Isanyonereallyanonymous · 01/09/2026 20:18

No no no.
He's not listening to you or respecting you.
I use fab and have had some good interactions, but the difference is I want to.
It's a cess pit, mostly because of men like your 'D'H.
That lifestyle ONLY works when those involved are WILLING and can communicate with each other about their wants and needs and are RESPECTED in their boundaries.
If he isn't doing those things then he is NOT a lovely person.
I would be calling it a day at this point. If this is what he likes in the bedroom that won't change, and he's been pretty awful trying to get you to compromise your own standing on this so far.

Coldwetlettuce · 01/09/2026 20:21

Personally I couldn’t bear this. Wouldn’t be my scene at all either and if my partner was that obsessed with it I’d find it so off-putting it would kill any attraction I felt towards him. There’s something about swinging that feels particularly seedy. And as other PPs have said, you shouldn’t be doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. Why should you have to be miserable, have your boundaries stamped all over, and all your holidays ruined just to satisfy a sexual fetish of his?! Guilt-tripping you about it when he knows you don’t want to do it is manipulative, selfish and all round shitty behaviour. BUT I also think the typical, simplistic MN response of “just divorce him” is really unhelpful and ignores the fact you’ve been married 17 years. Marriages are complex and “just get a divorce” shouldn’t be the first thing you do when you have a problem 🙄. It sounds like you haven’t been assertive enough in telling him how much you don’t want to do this. Not your fault, “I’m not into it” should be enough but sadly he’s being a massive prick about it. You need to make it very clear to him that you won’t ever be participating again, that he’s been manipulative trying to talk you into it and it’s not ok, that if he carries on treating you that way you’re out. Hopefully that’ll be a big wake up call and he’ll realise how much of a prick he’s been. This is assuming you’re otherwise happy with him, as you said. However, it sounds like his desires for this stuff won’t go away. I’d ask yourself how you’d feel about agreeing to him doing it without you, as long as he always practiced safe sex of course. If it’s something you’d be ok with that may be worth exploring. If not though, he needs to choose between you and swinging.

LondonLass2026 · 01/09/2026 20:22

I'm far from a prude, and have had numerous threesomes, groups, same-sex, and lots of other stuff beyond. But this would not, pardon the pun, be my cup of tea at all.

The jarring bit isn't what he wants, but the fact that you don't want it, and he's pushing you. That's the bit which should bother you.

he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested.

He wanted me to make my own account

He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me

Yeah, he isn't really a lovely guy. This is really horrible behaviour.

thistimelastweek · 01/09/2026 20:23

It's never unreasonable to not want swinging.

AndImVictoriaMalcolm · 01/09/2026 20:24

Your husband isn’t lovely and your relationship is toxic. You’re “sneakily” closing swingers account so you can avoid having sex with people you don’t want to have sex with because your husband will sulk and cause an atmosphere? Yeah. He’s not lovely. He’s going to saunas to possibly probably have potentially unsafe sex with people who aren’t you. That’s fine if you really truly don’t mind (each to their own). But even if he’s using protection that’s not always 100% so do you know if he’s getting tested regularly? Are you?

Your marriage sounds horrible and more than a bit gross.

NoodleHorses · 01/09/2026 20:24

No means no.
Like you, I’d rather have a cup of tea. There is no way I would put up with this and I definitely wouldn’t be pressured/coerced/persuaded into having sex with some random. I am early 60s and my life experience tells me that your DH is not a lovely guy. Especially if he is trying to push you into having unwanted sex with someone else.

NoisyMonster678 · 01/09/2026 20:24

Its coercive control, to make you go against your wishes just to please him.

He's a rat up a drainpipe.

Sunbringer · 01/09/2026 20:25

Time to break up I’m afraid. Your marriage isn’t one he is comitted to and he is escalating his behaviour and Pushing your boundaries. He has repeatedly coerced you into breaking your sexual limits.

Tell him that if he doesn’t still want to be committed to you then he can leave.

namechange864 · 01/09/2026 20:26

Just get a divorce. He’s been pressuring you to do something you’re not comfortable with for years. Divorce him and be happy.

Munchyseeds2 · 01/09/2026 20:26

Your definition of a lovely guy is slightly different to mine
I would call it quits

Sunbringer · 01/09/2026 20:26

And yes, do you realise the saunas are him having sex with other men?

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