AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Not for me. I'd walk away on the sauna visits.

Well clearly he’s not a lovely guy because he is pressuring you and guilting you to do things you aren’t comfortable with . If he won’t leave it and keeps sulking , I think it’s time to call it a day .

I don't think anybody would say YABU. You find it hard to tell him you don't want to do the things he wants because he refuses to listen or accept you aren't interested, which is absolutely not the actions of a lovely man who treats you well.

I would just get divorced tbh.

He's trying to manipulate you into doing something sexually that you don't want to do, please explain how exactly he's a lovely guy!!

If he’s bisexual and going to local saunas, is he practicing safe sex?

Agree.

He’s not lovely! He tramples all over your boundaries and sulks when you say no.

He’s a sex pest.

I’d leave him.

Why do you keep giving in to his pressure? Why does he get to decide what you will / won’t do? That choice is yours and yours alone. If he refuses to take no for an answer, I’d be exiting the relationship and leaving him to it. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you or your decisions?

If the two of you are still intimate, he is risking your health with his extracurricular activities.I would start by making sure you are taking measures in that regard.

every couple is allowed to set their own rules. You don’t have to just go along with his preferences. This should be a mutual agreement and if it requires participation, the more conservative person is the deciding vote. There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting down a list of things you like and don’t like no matter what that means.

He doesn’t look after you so well, he tries to pressure you into having sex with other people knowing full well after a long marriage to you that you don’t want to do that. And then sulks when you don’t do what he wants. Get a divorce and enjoy some peace.

I’m all for people exploring their sexuality. But it has to be out in the open with no secrets. What stuck out for me in your message is the words “sulking” and “so far I managed to not have sex with anyone else”. Clearly, despite him being a “lovely guy” this is an area where you are not compatible. I think you have to be honest. I’m sorry but it’s not for me I’m not interested in this type of relationship. This (insert whatever you feel here) is what I’m comfortable with and there are hard boundaries that I’m not willing to compromise on.

Any relationship should start on the basis of mutual respect.. and he has absolutely none for you..
Ducks in a row time... set him free and he can swing anyway he wants...
..oh and get checked for stis.. right now..

He sounds awful.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0nqywd0

you might want to give this a listen to strengthen your resolve

Your husband isn't 'a lovely guy', because he's pressurising you to attend 'saunas', swinger clubs and to have sex with other men.

It's clear that you aren't interested in this lifestyle or that bothered about having sex. That's perfectly fine, you don't have to be.

Have a very long think about what you want going forward. Your husband isn't going to stop wanting to swing, it's something he wants in his life. You either give him the green light to continue without you or you end the marriage and divorce.

Your husband is a sex pest. It should be enough for you to run for the hills.

I completely agree with what everyone else has said but I just want to add that even if you haven't yet explicitly told him you don't ever want to do this, he knows. There is absolutely no way he doesn't know, and he is willing to keep pestering and pressuring you anyway. Is that really what a lovely man does??

'a lovely guy '. NO he isn't.

Why is he a lovely guy? He’s pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, and then playing the sulking card if he doesn’t get his own way. You do realise that that’s abuse don’t you?

personally I would be walking away, he’s not going to change and I would not want to be with a abusive man

I was going to ask this too.

Honestly? I wonder if you know how weird all of this is. Your husband sulks because you don’t want to have sex with random men.

A friend is someone who you have a nice time with and who, once you have spent time together, makes you feel better about yourself and the world. This husband is not your friend - he has you scuttling about closing the Fab Swingers account that you didn’t want in the first place. In your shoes I think I would dread travel with him because you know it’s going to involve swingers / sauna clubs.

I understand that young people are now taught quite a lot about consent in school. I think that this would have benefited a lot of older people too (I am firmly middle aged). You do not consent to all this stuff, you give in because you want to avoid an atmosphere.

I'd divorce him and get a nice flat of my own where no-one pesters me to have sex with strange men.

So he's trying to coerce you by sulking and creating an atmosphere if you refuse? That's abuse. I'm not a prude but no way I'd stay with a bisexual man who visits saunas regularly and wants to go swinging. You sound very liberal if you're putting up with all this so far OP. Quite simply you tell him absolutely no way are you participating.

You don’t have to use your age to justify not want to get into all of this op. Most women of any age wouldn’t want to be involved in this.

Nope. Just nope.
you don’t have to put up with this and you don’t have to put up with the sulking! You’re allowed to say no. End of story.

God if I had a pound for every time I’ve read a thread like this where OP says “but he’s a lovely guy”….
How have you stayed with him this long?!