AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Can I ask, what exactly do you do as a couple at a sauna? 😳

Because there are saunas and there are “saunas.” And I don’t know any of the latter variety that would be happy to see a woman coming as part of a couple.

All you can do is be true to yourself and keep your self respect.

I think the behaviour you describe from him is revolting and deviant, and makes him a person with no moral values. I would not be able to put up with this I don’t think. I certainly wouldn’t accompany him on his sordid excursions. He is dirty and I would worry who else might be being coerced and what exactly I might find on his phone or hard drive.

He’s only a lovely guy when you do as your told

He would have lost me permanently the first time he didn't take no for an answer.

You’re in an abusive relationship. You do realise that right? He’s not a lovely man. He makes a habit out of coercing you into things you’ve been clear you don’t want. All he cares about is his fucking dick and the kicks he gets out of controlling you. If you’re afraid of what will happen if you lay down the law it’s a sign you need to get the hell outta dodge.

Oh let him sulk, the silly old bugger.

He's not a lovely guy. He's trying to coerce you into having sex with other people for hus satisfaction. He's gross. He has no respect for you or your body autonomy. You are something for his sexual satisfaction. Your feelings clearly dont matter to him.

I’m not sure that liberal is the right word. She sounds like a lovely lady who loves her husband and is perhaps not assertive enough about what SHE actually wants.

I’m sorry but in what world do men even fancy 70 year olds. I’m 63, luckily still very slim at size 10, but I’m under no illusion that men still fancy my saggy boobs and pancake arse😂🤣

You sound v accepting and that has (mostly) worked for you so far. I hope you stay true to yourself on your tolerances and your limits (which are your own to define).

i don’t think I’d be too happy with sulking as he’s in an environment he has chosen. Do you get to choose environments which please you?

He sounds like a pervert and a pest who puts a lot of pressure on you. I would be long gone. Can’t imagine why you’re still there.

I don’t have a great deal of sympathy tbh as you seem to just ‘keep going along with’ things to stop him sulking. Obviously if you are actually scared of him, that’s a different matter but it sounds like you’re not scared particularly but just want to stop his nagging. But your response isn’t going to stop or change his behaviour is it? He’s just going to keep pushing. I’d call it a day if I were you.

If you’re actually scared of saying no to him, that’s a real worry. I would suggest contacting Women’s Aid in that case.

He's not a lovely guy. He is trying to coerse you into sexual situations. He is not taking no for an answer. You are so worn down by it all that you are actually questioning if you are being unreasonable for saying no.

If you had a daughter who came to you with this story what advice would you give her?

You need to draw your line and decide where this stops.

For me I wouldn't have joined a club, I wouldn't be going on swinger trips, if my DH wanted me to sleep with someone else he would be gone. The minute didn't understand No meant No he would be gone.

Does your DH sleep with others? Are you ok with that?

You just have to tell him- you are both going to be miserable if you are not truthful with him.

Tbh YABU for playing around with this.

Bisexual doesnt equal unfaithful. He picked you ans married you and that should count for something.

Opening a marriage should be a 2 yes decision.

You need to say no and mean no and let the chips fall

Definitely. You swore to forsake all others, and here he is inviting the whole team into your marriage, with more than a little unwelcome pressure on you. This is certainly not loving behaviour.
I’d be consulting a solicitor, kicking DH out immediately, and trying some fabulous new blends of tea, myself.

I'm sorry, but he is not remotely 'lovely' to treat you like this. He knows you aren't interested but tries to force you to do it anyway through guilt, 'atmosphere', and refusing to do normal couple things (like travel) with no strings attached. He sounds disgusting and horrible. I don't care how nice he may be in other ways. This is too big to be outweighed by the rest of your relationship, in my opinion.

He's not a lovely guy. He's your pimp.

Divorce him - he sounds fucking awful.

This 100%

Uh huh...

There is nothing…NOTHING…lovely about this OP! A ‘lovely guy’ would not ask ANY of these things of you! He is the very opposite of lovely OP! He’s abusing you.

He’s a revolting little sex pest. Leave him. Enjoy your retirement doing what YOU want to do and let him carry on with his seedy lifestyle without you. Life is short! Go and do stuff you enjoy, holidays, friends, hobbies, family. Please.

Yes. this. It's controlling and coercive. Not even legal.

At the point he came out as bisexual was divorce time.

He’s not lovely if he’s pressurising you into doing sexual activity/have sex with others exposing you to lifelong disease.

This is something that repulses you.

Getting older is when you should be relaxing putting your feet up, going on hiking trips and river cruises, doing the gardening and watching TV, not sordid swingers clubs. If he want to do that, fine, he doesn’t need to involve you.