AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Are you actually ok with him having sex with other people? You don't comment on that. Do you both have regular sexual health checks? Of course you don't have to do anything sexually you are not comfortable with; your husband trying to coerce you (because that's what he's doing) is just awful.

Yep.

This!
How are you coping with not only the sexually but the perversion of his new aquired taste.
How revolting as a older woman when you should be comfortable & enjoying your life...without the need for randoms in your life.
I bet hes been at it for years.

I’d draw a hard boundary - no, i’m not interested in swinging with random dudes. (Tbh, i wouldnt be interested in bedroom activities with him either because 1. he’s a sex pest 2. I’d rather have a cup of tea as you say 3. STIs). You DH, go and suit yourself.

If he is not happy with that i’d suggest a divorce.

He doesn’t seem to understand what wedding vows are. I’d consider divorce.

He’s not a lovely guy. He’s pressuring you into doing something that you don’t want which is abusive behaviour. It doesn’t matter how nice he is the rest of the time if he won’t accept ‘no’.

Oh, OP “but he’s a lovely guy” Really? Doesn’t sound like he is.

This is abuse. If he won’t stop pestering. And doesn’t see the problem. Leave him.

he Is absolutely awful. He would have been getting divorce papers from me a long long time ago. What you are describing sounds like coercive control and I’m certain - certain - that you deserve better.

It's a shame these old tomcats can't get the snip so they'll stop wanting to roam about and just nap quietly in front of the fireplace

I've read your posts and early replies. If I repeat earlier advice, I do not apologise.

You said:
And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then.

Is that not coercion? You love going away, but he will say there's little point if you don't do what he wants. So he's suggesting not going unless you do what he wants?

I typed in to Google (it has its uses):

If my husband suggests I may not be able to go on holiday unless I have sex with other men, is that wrong, UK law

The reply was more definite than I thought it would be:

Yes, this is completely wrong and is classified as coercive control, which is a criminal offence under UK law.
Phrasing it as a "suggestion" does not make it legal or acceptable. Using a holiday, or your general freedom of movement, to pressure or manipulate you into having sex with other people is a severe form of domestic abuse and sexual coercion.

Please, get help. I am also nearly 70, and am seriously contemplating leaving for a lot less.

Edited to add: If you aren't in the UK, I hope it still shows that this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

Jesus Christ, how on earth are you putting up with this at 70? Tell him you're not fucking interested in sex games, take up knitting, and if he sulks, give him the option to leave. There is no way in hell I'd be putting up with that shit at 70.

He's absolutely awful. As far as you can get from a 'lovely guy'. For God's sake raise your bar off the floor.

Course she didn't come back!! 🤨

Came to say this too, worked for a HIV charity...it's super important you protect yourself OP...STDs are booming in the older generation.

Don't give in..tell him you don't consent, THE END

@DiabeticChocolateLover I really, really hope you can see that you are far away from “keeping the peace”. If you have said no that’s it. This is not a decision anyone should be forced/ bullied into. Do try to listen to the podcast someone linked earlier it might help you to see how insidious this is.

There’s a word for men who pressurise women to do sexual things they don’t want to do.

Agree 200%. He's addicted and trying to drag you in on it. Leave him. He's not nice OP.

Imagine being married to a manipulative prick like that?? He has no respect for you, OP. Time to get rid of him and prioritise yourself.

You are not compatible.

He is not going to change.

It worried me to read that you've managed to avoid having sex with anyone else SO FAR. Please stop allowing him to erode your boundaries like this, before you get pressured into something you really regret... and in your shoes I wouldn't be wanting to have sex with him again either. You need to tell him that you want no part of this, that you never did, and never will. Repeatedly, if necessary.

Then divorce.

Lovely guy?? He's a gross slimebag. Absolutely leave LTB - he'd make my skin crawl. I wish you peace and contentment going forward.

I would walk away completely!

He sounds awful and no way would I be putting up with this.

I’ll admit I haven’t read all the posts,

You don't need to. They all say the same thing - he's not lovely, he's abusive and OP should leave him.

OP hasn't returned.

that isn't a lovely man and that is not something I would tolerate. You need to be firm in no and also he trying to wear you down as it has worked in the past obviously. I wouldn't be surprised if he just brought a couple home.

He is not a lovely guy, that is very very apparent.
Run for the hills and don't on any account look back .

YABU by saying “he’s lovely guy” come on….!