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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

207 replies

DiabeticChocolateLover · 01/09/2026 19:16

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

OP posts:
Heathertrott2 · 01/09/2026 21:40

These bloody men, decades of having sex and they still want to explore kinks pushing 70. They really do maximise every second their balls are on this earth

LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster · 01/09/2026 21:42

Made my skin crawl just reading the OP, how can you bare to be in the same room let alone married to this person?

flapjackfairy · 01/09/2026 21:42

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 01/09/2026 21:28

I’d swing for him but not in the way he expects!

this has really tickled me. Great response!

PS5Gamer · 01/09/2026 21:44

He’s not a lovely guy.

He’s an abusive, coercive, sex pest who is bullying you into doing something that you do not want to do.

Leave him to his ‘Saunas’, get yourself a sexual health check and a Solicitor.

TwisterSister208 · 01/09/2026 21:45

I’m sorry - just so I am clear - he goes to the sauna to have sex with other people and you dress in lingerie and go watch him?

holidayhelpneeded1 · 01/09/2026 21:48

How often are these threads happening with men pressuring women to sleep with other men, it seems every few days at the moment! Why are men such bloody sleezebags and why do so many women tolerate it.

Sorry but your partner isnt lovely at all, he is a creep thinking you are an object for his sex games rather than a person! How the hell anyone calls that lovely I will never understand.

AmnesiacsDream · 01/09/2026 21:53

You say that standing your ground will cause an atmosphere that will make you want to give in. Can you imagine the shock you'd feel if your DC or a good friend told you she was in a relationship where she felt pressured into having sex with other people?

What advice would you give to someone you loved in that situation? Love yourself. Either find a way to turn this around and create an atmosphere he can't stand when he tries to do that, or leave him.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2026 21:54

Sorry but I don’t get at all why you haven’t divorced him or why you would think anyone who treats you like a piece of meat is lovely. I can’t vote as I don’t understand why you would tolerate this at all.

RedToothBrush · 01/09/2026 21:54

You are not consenting.

You are being coerced.

This is not an equal loving relationship.

Tell him this.

See how he reacts.

A good man will not call you names for not wishing to do this. A good man will not continue to pressure you.

Anything less than "I'm sorry I didn't realise you felt that way. We won't take this further" is a VERY good reason to leave him

Because it's abuse.

andthat · 01/09/2026 21:57

Slobberchops1 · 01/09/2026 19:20

Well clearly he’s not a lovely guy because he is pressuring you and guilting you to do things you aren’t comfortable with . If he won’t leave it and keeps sulking , I think it’s time to call it a day .

This.

and pretty sure being coerced into sex you don’t want doesn’t makes you a prude.

its all pretty grimy behaviour by your husband to be honest.

rosemarypetticoat · 01/09/2026 21:58

Heathertrott2 · 01/09/2026 21:40

These bloody men, decades of having sex and they still want to explore kinks pushing 70. They really do maximise every second their balls are on this earth

oh @Heathertrott2 this made me laugh out loud.
OP, you know you're not unreasonable. speak your truth, and the way will become clear.

Joliloily · 01/09/2026 21:58

Raise your bar @DiabeticChocolateLover . You really don’t gave to live like this. Find some self respect FFS.

JayJayj · 01/09/2026 22:01

DIVORCE!!!!!

He is not a “lovely guy”. He is trying to pressure you into doing something he knows you don’t want to do.

Yoheresthestory · 01/09/2026 22:03

He’s foul. Utterly foul. Imagine being a person like that and dying as a total scummy fucker who tried to manipulate the person who loves him in a revolting way.

He doesn’t care about you OP and he is willing to completely violate you for his gain.

StarCourt · 01/09/2026 22:10

How on earth is he lovely!!

SallyAnnDrivesACar · 01/09/2026 22:13

What a nasty, perverted creep. He doesnt give a fuck about you... leave.

Waytoohothot · 01/09/2026 22:18

How do you know hes not having sex with men at these saunas and if you are still having sex with him you could catch something id be more worried about that to be honest, places with just saunas are usually just for gay men looking for sex

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 01/09/2026 22:21

Your husband is a selfish man. He knows you don’t want to have sex with strange men, but puts enormous pressure on you, and watches men have sex with you knowing that you don’t want it. It is a grey area of consent that sits so uncomfortably with me that I’d actually view it as him being so consumed by his own fetishistic needs that he tries to persuade you that non-consensual sex - sex you simply don’t want - is in fact something you have said yes to. It’s vile, OP. You love him so you want to think the best of him, but this isn’t driven by your own desires and enjoyment, nor are you an enthusiatic participant in the encounters. What’s left is nothing more than a man wants his wife to be a mere object for other men to fuck while he watches.

ThatCosy · 01/09/2026 22:23

There's a podcast on BBC Sounds called Swingers. Its about women who felt the same as you and got put into horrible situations by men like your husband. Please listen to it.

Portakalkedi · 01/09/2026 22:31

That's not a lovely guy. He's pressuring you into things you don't want. I'd be divorcing him.

saraclara · 01/09/2026 22:33

It maybe that he has 'lovely' sides to him, but intimacy, faithfulness, and general thoughtfulness are fundamental, and key to a relationship. So him being so dismissive of your feelings and so coercive make him very much not a lovely person.

Heretohelp1111 · 01/09/2026 22:34

You can’t be a truly lovely man if you’re trying to coerce your partner in to doing sexual activities they don’t want to do. You need to educate yourself on sexual coercion then tell him clearly the abuse stops now.

KarenNextDoor · 01/09/2026 22:43

You dont sound very happy with the relationship overall op. Do you want to leave him?

MayJuneMay · 01/09/2026 22:45

Nah. He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries OP.
Hardly the actions of a loving husband.

Upthehill32156 · 01/09/2026 22:46

He sounds like a sex addict. There is support available for you - try S-anon

Hope you find a way through....