AIBU to tell my husband I do not want swinging?

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Apologies for the length I'll try to precis as much as I can. Prudes look away.

M/F married couple, 17 years. Mid 60s. Husband came out to me mid way thru as bisexual, ok no issue. Then said he wanted to watch me have sex with so else. Uh uh. No way. He accepted that for a few years until we moved to a town with a "sauna" which he started visiting a couple of times a month. I could deal with that. Then it was come with me and I felt I ok, I'll go see as tbh I do like dressing in sexy lingerie. But I hate it there. He then joined Fab Swingers with a joint account, I wasn't happy but went along because he sulked when I said I wasn't really interested. He wanted me to make my own account so after a few drinks one night and under a bit of pressure I did, got lots of weirdos so sneakily I closed the account. So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else. He says he just wants me to enjoy someone else and for them to enjoy me, but tbh at nearly 70, as Boy George said, I'd rather have a cup of tea. He's obsessed, its all he talks about. . And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in. Again. We go away a lot to places with swingers clubs and I love the travel but not what he wants to do when we get there. If I say anything I know he will say there's little point in going away then. He's a lovely guy otherwise and looks after me so well, but I just don't know how to tell him I don't want the life he wants.

Hot the nail.on the head. Lovely men don't pressure their wife to have sex with a random stranger.

Unless you both enthusiastically want something it's not ok. You being coerced into doing these things you don't want to do is not ok. You don't have to do any of it. He isn't a lovely guy. This is a really sad thing to read. He is abusing you and you deserve so much better.

He is a wierdo. RUN

And yes I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to but irl the atmosphere it will cause will make me give in.

Right; he punishes you for saying no, for refusing to do something you adamantly don't want to do, for acting or speaking in a way other than what he fantasises that you will. After a while, you may find that you're agreeing to things he didn't even explicitly ask for because you are so anxious and on edge about what happens when you do or say the wrong thing. It's emotional abuse and it's no way to live and of course a decent person would not be doing this to another human being, let alone to someone he is supposed to love and care about.

Say a very clear NO to this whole thing, and if he makes that too difficult for you then say no to a relationship with him at all. And regardless, take the interesting trips solo or with a friend or family member if there are strings attached to travelling with him.

This is not a lovely guy - no-one should be pressurising you to do anything you don't want to.
If he can't show you more respect you should consider whether it's really right to stay with him.

He’s trying to coerce you into having sex that you don’t want, this is extremely abusive. Have you got any one in real life you can talk to.

He's a complete pervy weirdo. How does that make him a nice guy. Wake up.

What you have described is controlling behaviour, not the actions of a lovely man. Sorry OP, but I don't think you realise you are in an abusive marriage. His moods must be so intense for you to go along with what you have done so far against your own better judgement and wishes. He does sound a bit preditory. Please confide in someone asap, and get yourself out of there.

I agree with the others.

He's always going to pressure you to give in to him.

I don’t think he’s a lovely guy either - he’s pressurising you into a scene you don’t want to be in and totally trampling on your feelings - he’s got away with murder so far and is very lucky that you are remotely interested in him at this stage of life

Hmmmm

If this isnt what you want, just let him go. He will never stop wanting this and potentially more as he keeps pushing further boundaries.
i was persuaded into something similar when I was very young. I didn’t enjoy it and wish I hadn’t. I thought I’d lose my partner if I didn’t share , but I realise now that losing him would have been a far better outcome.

in subsequent relationships I’ve been with people who started to want more and I found myself considering things i knew would have made me feel crap so I’ve let them get on with it.
each to their own but i know deep down that is for others and im pretty adventurous within monogamy 🤣
I don’t want to be with someone who will never find our sex life fulfilling or exciting enough without wanting other people involved.

So would I.

It doesn't matter how 'liberal' or experimental someone's sexual life is, whether you're a bisexual swinger or entirely monogamous, consent is only consent when it is 100% freely given. Nagging, sulking or persuading someone into doing something they have repeatedly shown they don't want to do is unacceptable, controlling and rapey. It's possible that your different appetites for this signals the end of your relationship, but if you stay together he MUST understand that no means no. Just tell him and mean it. Best of luck OP.

Hes putting pressure in your op nothing lovely about him

This.

Agreed.

Absolutely agree.

In what universe is he a lovely guy?

I mentioned to DP once, early in the relationship that I'd be interested in swinging if she was. She said "Not a fucking chance" and in 20 years I've not once ever mentioned it again. Unlike your husband, who has sulked, winged and pressured you into getting what he wants every step of the way.

He's not a lovely guy, he's a coercive little prick.

I’ll admit I haven’t read all the posts, but bluntly, I’d be walking away from the Swingers set-up, walking away from the Saunas and BOLTING AWAY FROM HIM!

OP you already know that you’re not being unreasonable, it’s him pressuring you and sulking that’s making you question yourself.

This is extremely worrying “So far I have managed to avoid having sex with anyone else”… What would you say if a relative or close friend said this to you?
You shouldn’t be having sex or even considering it with anyone who you don’t want to. And no one should expect you to.

I think the best thing you can do right now is join the Freedom Programme or get some counselling to help you build the strength to confidently vocalise what you do and don’t want, and to take action if you’re not being listened to and respected on it. No one will judge you, they are there to help 💐

And she never forgot you asked and you made her happiness less, forever, and you don't care at all about that and will pretend it's not true, because you actually think you're one of the good guys.

Guys who want to stick their cock in random women always fantasise about sticking their cock in random women - and to have the nerve to actually say it out loud means you are absolutely fixated on the notion.

Never ask your wife if she'd be good with you sticking your cock in random women. Bit of an easy rule of thumb there.

This.

Not 'lovely' at all. Just a creepy sleezebag.

Doesn't respect you or what YOU want in the slightest.

We'd only been going out for two months at the time, she could have run a mile if she wanted to. She's still here 20 years later so she obviously wasn't too bothered.

How horrific. Imagine being with someone two months, in the full joy of that honeymoon period, and he asks you if you'd mind if he stuck his cock into random women for a laugh. Yes, she should have instantly dumped you, shame she didn't.

But, as I said, she has never forgotten, and you made her happiness a bit less, and you think you're one of the good guys and will never listen.

New rule of thumb, don't ask your girlfriend or wife if she'd be good with you sticking your cock into random women. It's not that tough.