Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

Just to add, my husband does talk to me about it and validates my feelings but it doesn’t change how he feels about it (not that I’m trying to). We can’t talk about it that much because his job is really demanding at the moment

There’s nothing you can do. You can’t force someone to want another child and it sounds like you need to start trying really hard to be grateful for what you already have. I could understand more if you were childless or just have one child but you don’t, you have two.

There are plenty of people in the world that would do anything to have what you have.

Keep the therapy up and if you feel it isn’t working try a new therapist.

I don’t think it matters how well you outlined it to him, the reality of having children is different to the idea and people are allowed to change their mind.

You either need to make your peace with his feelings or leave him so you can potentially have another child with someone else.

You need to find a way of accepting the two healthy children you aleady have and to quit while you are ahead.

Do you work?

Either you leave him and try and find someone else to have more children with or you just sadly need to accept it is what it is.

read your OP again and imagine this was a friend of yours confiding in you. what would you advise her?

This. Make peace with it, or break up your family. Sorry op. Stick with the therapy. You have two lovely, healthy, happy children - seriously, focus there.

This!

Whilst I can empathise with your desire to have a third child, the impact this is having on your children may well be huge - they have a mum who is not present as she’s yearning for another child. Please try to focus all your energy into the family you currently have, not the family you are wishing for. Hopefully therapy will help you to address this issue.

Stick with the therapy OP, and don’t hold onto resentment. It’s not fair to put the blame on him with comments that you always said you wanted a large family, people are allowed to change their minds and especially once they have a child it is so common. I originally loved the thought of having 4 children, that’s what I told my husband, we have 2 now and I know my hands are full and I am done at 2. The thought of a large family and the reality are very different.

I'd be surprised if many of your friends have larger families. Two or even one seems more the norm these days than three or four, so suspect there's an element of confirmation bias in the situations you describe causing you pain, with people having/talking about their larger families. If you were able to make the shift, with some good counselling, then it's not something that would haunt you without seeking out that pain, and there are plenty of reasons to be happy with your two, but you can't see that from the spiral you're currently in. Keep getting help so you're present for your lovely sons and not fixating on what you haven't got. With the right support - and the will to use it, in time the sadness will get better. It's nothing to break up an otherwise happy family of four over.

Thanks for the replies so far.
One of my children was born with a health condition which was addressed but requires yearly checks.
many things have happened in my life in the last few years and I feel so sad that this may have contributed to my husband feeling done.
it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever

I always wanted 4 boys. I had two and then split with my ex husband. I was glad I stopped at 2. we have had a great life. i bought my own home and we had many holidays abroad and in uk, days out etc. They never wanted for anything. I couldnt have done that with 4.

I honestly mean this kindly but this last sentence sounds like you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. You have 2 children which many people would love to have, you don’t want to give them the feeling that they’re not enough for you

Hope you are not impacting your other DC.

Kindly, some people can't have children at all. Little bit of perspective needed here.

Life doesn't work out the way we plan it. We all have to change our plans and expectations along the way. Everyone has bits they are sad about.

You need to appreciate what you have and make the best of it.

Wallowing will make you depressed and horrible to be around.

it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever

Things don’t go perfectly for anyone.

Three is a big shift I think because you can’t have a normal car, can’t just chase or watch one each when out and about, have a bigger age range between eldest and youngest so trying to allot sufficient individual attention to each child whilst also doing activities they’ll all enjoy is impossible and it’s very expensive to go on holiday when hotel rooms tend to accommodate families of 4 etc.

Is it that you have two the same gender and yearn for the other gender?

Sounds like you have pregnant friends so maybe just focus on being a godmother/auntie figure to newer babies if you miss that phase of life whilst focusing on your own two.

I grew up as 3 it's a crap dynamic in childhood and adulthood. Personally I think parents can't cope with more than 2 without adding in some neglect just to cope with being overstretched. I don't understand why anyone would have more than 2

Gosh OP, you sound a bit obsessed by this. You have an incredible life. You have lost all perspective.

I feel sorry for your DH - why do you want to talk about it? His decision is his decision. That's okay. Your talking needs to be with your therapist - not your husband. You are putting your marriage in danger here, and that is far worse for your boys.

Do you work?

Completely agree! Op can be sad but this moping mentality and ‘woe is me’ needs to stop. I hope OP’s children don’t realise how she feels.

do you work? how is this relevant? (I often think MN is behind the times here; most women work, y’know.)

@Adeline261 I think all you can do is feel it I guess. I have a different sort of regret but it’s always there. I have to accept what I do have and be grateful for it but I do understand

I am wondering if the reason you want another is because he doesn't

Why are the children you have not enough for you? This must be hard on them and before you say they have no idea how much do we remember of our parents they think they hid from us growing up

What @HotGrapefruit said is right, there's no long conversation needed for things like this. No is no, and 'because I don't want to' is a completely valid reason to decline anything, especially something as huge as bringing another person into existence.

Do you have a full, rich life with interests/hobbies,a career, and time to yourself?

Nothing goes perfectly, for anyone. It's an impossible standard, guaranteed to result in disappointment.