Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

You can’t worry about what might happen in the future. I’m one of three, my sister is dead, my brother lives near my parents and sees them regularly but is single and has no kids and I live far away (and couldn’t get away quick enough). Don’t be sad now because you might not get those occasions- what you need to do is provide a safe and happy home and the child, whatever the gender is more likely to stay in touch and be closer to you.

I have 3 because 2nd pregnancy I twins. I know you’ll probably not believe me (because I didn’t when people said it to me) but teens are so expensive beyond your imagination. Driving lessons, tech they need for school, uni costs, transportation to 6th form. My advice would be to enjoy the two you have and use the money to enrich their childhoods.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a third but you can’t manipulate or persuade your dh or there resentment lies. You need to move to acceptance and picturing a different future that’s equally as lovely.

Is it because you want a girl, OP?

What do you have to look forward to in the next 2-5 years?

IMO a lot of parents of kids under around 8yo think about more but once they hit that point you start thinking about all the new firsts, like secondary school, residential etc and the excitement shifts to that era instead of the thrill of pregnancy, babies, names, nurseries etc

But if you don't have anything to plan and look forward to, it's quite hard to move on.

I think the best metaphor I can think of is that this period is like being two drinks down- more must be better, right? - but once you start sobering up (or moving out of the baby/toddler age and making peace that that stage of life is over and you need to grieve it and move on, you realise how fab it is to have such a lovely life.

There is no guarantee having more children would mean you're not alone when older - or that you'll have a big full house for family ocassions.

Having a baby doesn't replace the need to build a strong social circle and hobbies that are just for you. These are the things that will still be there if / when you have an empty nest in 18 years' time.

You have to also appreciate it's a huge success if your children move out and carve their own lives with your support - whether that means moving abroad or not. How you nurture your relationship with them will shape how much they keep in touch with you. I have friends who are very close with their families in spite of living in a different country from them - they keep in regular touch and have good relationships with them all. This is something that is built and nurtured from childhood, rather than a natural occurance, or because there were 3 siblings not 2.

That's very insensitive to mums who have "only" 1 child, as if this wasn't good enough! Not nice to say "if you had none or just one", thanks for that

Very true. I’m desperate for a child but it hasn’t happened yet. Some days I wallow in it, other days I just pick myself up and be grateful for what i do have.

Part of being happy is accepting that things don’t go to plan and that happiness is a mood that comes and goes. It’s not a final destination when everything has gone perfectly.

We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day.

Op you have 2 healthy kids and you are depressed and feel horrible every single day. Poor kids.
Your husband has a very busy job and you are feeling horrible everyday, I hope it’s not impacting your children.

Desperate for a child when you have none is one thing to have two very young children and feeling depressed and horrible every day because you cannot have more is another thing.

I agree with you. I was quoting someone who said something about life not going perfectly for anyone and we just need to accept it.
i agree and i shared my own experiences

Sounds like you are blaming yourself for your partner's decision. If only you made things look different, easier...if only your child didn't have a health complication...

Trying spinning it around. Because you and your boys are enough, that's why he doesn't want anymore children. Not because you failed, but because you are now everything and more and he doesn't want to risk that for an unknown 3rd.

I understand your position, but try to reframe.

This is not very convincing that you’re not just hoping for a girl.

Build a life with your children and outside It, if you’re worried about nothing to do!

Having more children isn’t the answer.

Before we got married and had children both my husband and I had thought we both wanted 3 kids, we said we would see how it went, how we coped and finances etc. When it came to trying for number 3 I found I just didn't want a third (well, the baby/toddler stage) and, although sad, my husband understood.

Nothing goes perfectly for most of us, though, that's reality.

My brother lives in the same town as mum and I as a female live 36 mile away and see my mum every 3 weeks or so. There's no law that says boys leave and girls cling to you when they grow up! That's not a reason to keep having kids and an unfair expectation to put on a kid because they should be allowed to do what they want with their life when they grow up!

Start thinking about the impracticalities!:
A) dropping out of running your business to have another pregnancy and the financial risk to your family.
B) think of all the childcare costs when they are all school age.
C) you can't assume your third child will be perfect, what about severe disabilities or complex needs.
D) what of post natal depression kicks in

Think of negatives instead of the fairytale aspects of it.

Neither of you is unreasonable, and there is nothing whatsoever you can do. You have a straight choice between coming to terms with the situation or leaving your husband in search of someone to have another child with.

Personally, I’d concentrate on the fact you have two healthy children. We have one, and we’re expecting a second but it didn’t work out (several times); I feel guilty every single day about that but I’m blessed with a beautiful, happy daughter, and I’m luckier than many others.

I think I might get this tattooed on my person

I think you need some futher counselling and to live in the present.

You're pinning your happiness on lots of 'what might be' which have little basis in reality. You can't plan everything, your children may not be around as you age. You may have another child with medical issues. Your husband is clearly happy with the 'handful' he already has.

Wanting another a child can be understandable, but it seems to have taken over your life and you are pinning too much future happiness on your ability to do that.

My DC are slightly older than yours but when my youngest was starting school I was desperate for a third, now the pushchair, nappies, nursery fees are all a few years behind me and the desire for another has passed.occasionally I get broody but not often. It seems to be fairly common and does pass

You have two health, confident boys but you can’t be happy with that?

If his job is demanding can you blame him he doesn't want two small boys and a baby? He doesn't have the mental capacity to look after a baby now and have more responsibilities. He's probably also aware of the financial impact, the ability to support your children in the future - the cost of university, weddings, mortgage deposits would grow by 50%. I would love a third too but I've grieved it already because you just have to be realistic

Please stop giving your headspace to worrying about the future and hypothetical scenarios, while you are doing that you are unable to live in the moment and enjoy the children you have. You could persuade your husband to go for number three, have a girl and she could move to Australia or could have a wife not a husband. One of your boys could become a priest, or never leave home. You don’t know, you can’t know what will happen between now and them growing up and getting married.

TBH, I wondered this too.

You can't control if your kids stay around, if you have 1 or you have 10.
What are your husband's reasons?

I wasn’t really seriously considering a third, but we did discuss it and this was exactly what my DH’s view was. We’re so lucky - why risk that? I was over 40 and had had several mcs before DS2, but I’m sure he would still have had this view if we’d had no mcs and we were 35/36.