Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

and yes it would be unbelievably selfish to break up a family over this - you have two children with a dad! you can't leave their dad to have a kid with a different dad for no other reason than wanting a third!

When I compare (I know you shouldn’t!) to my friends who’ve had kids they’ve not been through anything like this with theirs and it’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself when you feel like you don’t catch a break

I think you've already caught a break. You have two children and the potential to have a lovely happy life with them. Millions of women never get that break, as much as they desire it, and work for it.

Having a child with learning disabilities, non verbal, doubly incontinent and epileptic who goes to a special school alongside hundreds of other similar children, I see their parents - who didn't get the break that you have.

Because if he really doesn't want the responsibility of another child then no means no. It's non negotiable. End of.

Why on earth would you force someone into having a baby?

A word of warning - a friend’s marriage broke down primarily because of this issue - five years later she’s single and no nearer the third and fourth children.

Quite. One thing I noted was this

A baby will introduce much more uncertainty into the dynamic and much more difficulty. There is no guarantee the third child won't have health problems seeing as the first two have done so. Having another baby just to have something go right is so risky. There are no guarantees.

Right now, life is stable, whatever they've been through.They're doing well in their jobs.Their children are now ok with the health problems.And one needs checking once a year. Once a year does not suggest a very severe health condition if that's all it needs checking.

They are paying school fees and presumably have a good standard of living.Having a third child with serious health problems.Could mean, one of them had to stop working, they would be more financially, stretched with a third set of school fees.Even if their child was healthy, they'd need a bigger car, potentially a bigger house.

Having a baby just to have something go right is completely illogical. If anything a new babies throws a bomb into the household and shakes everything up rather than makes it go smoother

Sorry forgot to quote the op.She said this

What I meant was that a lot of things have happened over the last few years and it just feels like however hard I try for something to go right, it just doesn’t quite seem to go my way.

Having a baby won't necessarily make things go her way okay, right?If anything, it will just complicate things even more.

I felt like this after DS2, I would’ve loved a bigger family but DH was adamant we were only having 2. It logically made sense, we couldn’t really afford a third but it still broke my heart. I focused on the positives, we have enough time, money and energy to make sure our boys have everything they could want and still have time for our own hobbies, which we just couldn’t with a third. You also don’t know what your third child is going to be like, and we were lucky with our boys as they have always been really easy and a third could’ve tipped that over the edge. Just focus on your children you have now, enjoy the extra time and money you wouldn’t have if you had a third.

Not coerced, but brought round.

Hi op,

I am in the same boat ATM, desperately want a third but husband is happy with two. After a recent miscarriage, we have decided over the last few weeks that we are highly unlikely to have anymore. He is on the waiting list for a vasectomy however the waiting list is currently a few years. I can't bring myself to close that chapter completely so we have said we will review in a year or so but I know deep down we are done and won't be having anymore.

I've read threads like this before and most people will say be grateful for what you have etc and whilst that is true and I am sure you are grateful every single day, it doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with the fact that you will not have any more children. I do think in a way it is similar to processing grief and it takes time, it will get easier over time but you can't help how sad you feel and I think it is important to allow yourself to feel those feelings.

I struggle with the thought of my children not being little anymore and I loved the pregnancy and baby stage but I keep telling myself how short lived that stage is and that practically these days two is much more affordable in terms of holidays, cars, houses, days out etc. I also have this horrible feeling of something going wrong in labour with a third (no idea why as my other births were fine!) so that's the main reason for me stopping at two.

It's a really hard decision to make closing one of the best chapters of your life but think of all the great things you can do with your current children and all the lovely memories you have still to make 💞

If he is that dead set against any more children then he should have the snip. If he refuses then you know he just doesn’t want another child with YOU.. but might consider it in another relationship if yours doesn’t last.

This is bonkers. He doesn't have to have the snip to prove anything, any more than a woman has to have her tubes tied to prove she doesn't want more kids. Some men want the snip, other's don't. No one should be forced into any medical procedure just to make a point, esp not when it's never risk-free. And the 'just doesn't want a child with YOU' is melodramatic and paranoid.

What's the difference? You mean worn down? Great start to that parent's relationship with the child.

I love this response, a great example of reframing 🙌🏻🙌🏻

I wanted two children.

Baby number two turned out to be twins, so now I have three.

It can be so hard with three children. We both work, so finding time for quality 1-2-1 time with each child can be a challenge. One of the twins is also autistic so that throws its own set of problems into the equation. Both cars had to be changed. They're now 10 and 15, so it's fitting in clubs and taking them places etc...

Not to mention the cost of three. We have had to make huge cutbacks in the past. The cost of holidays as we can't fit into a family room is just one example.

I love my kids but I often think how life would be so much less crazy and less stressful with just two.

It's quite normal to want a third, because getting your head around the concept of not having another pregnancy or baby again is really difficult. But give it a couple of years when they are less little, and parenting moves onto a different phase, and you'll probably not look back with your decision to stick at two.

🙄

It's not about you. It's obvious the point this poster was making, and it wasn't a dig at one child parents.

I am beyond grateful for my children. I don’t necessarily want to have another to have a girl. Another thing that does make me sad though is that people say that boys tend to leave their mums when they get married or meet a partner and will move away, so I have visions of those busy family occasions with my kids etc just won’t happen because we’ve got two boys and they’ll be with their partners families. They’re so confident too I can picture them moving abroad when they’re older and my husband will be off playing golf and I’ll just be alone!

People may say that but it’s a load of rubbish, I believe. I have two grown up sons, both married to very nice girls. One of my sons has a little boy and girl. They live very close to us (my other son and daughter-in-law live abroad, no children) and we are very close to the four of them and very much included in their lives. Our other son FaceTimes us every weekend for a chat, and we visit them or they come to us every year. My friend has a grown up daughter with two children, also living near her, but wouldn’t have as much contact with her as we do with ours. I think her daughter gets on better with her mother-in-law than with her mother, to be honest, as my friend is a bit of a perfectionist and is forever tidying her house rather than just enjoying her daughter and grandchildren! That ridiculous saying “your son is your son til he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life” is just a load of old nonsense! Enjoy your two sons and don’t worry about the future and what you think may happen. Build up a loving relationship with your boys, and be hopeful that they meet someone to share their lives with (if that is what they want, of course) and who will be welcomed into your family just as your sons hopefully will be welcomed into theirs.
Many posters have pointed out the extra difficulties (financial and time) with having three children rather than two, and some have spoken about their own experience as one of three. Spend your time building a lovely close relationship with the children you have, and with your husband, and try not to dwell on what “might have been”. Babies are small, cuddly and wonderful, but they also curtail your freedom, and ultimately grow up! Toddlers, children, teenagers and young adults can bring a lot of joy into our lives too! You say that your boys are confident-how wonderful is that! Don’t be afraid to let them spread their wings. If your bond is close, they will always be close to you, regardless of where they live. 💕

He doesn't want to be "brought round"
I know a few women who "brought round" their husbands to have a/another child. In every case the husband left because none of them had wanted to be a parent or parent another child.

I’d tell him I’m done with birth control and it’s on him. I’m thankful for this as it’s what my mum told my dad. To be fair she told him that when she was pregnant. He loves her and forgave her. She was lucky.

I’ve had to come back again to say thank you for your comment because I can’t believe how your spin on it has helped me see this totally differently. This is why mumsnet is so amazing because honestly I can’t explain how much it has helped me.
ive saved your message to refer back to on a down day.
thank you

@Adeline261, you’re spiralling! None of that has happened and nothing to say it will!

Kindly, you’re spending a lot of time having real feelings over hypothetical situations. That’s such a waste of emotional energy. You need to really work on this before life passes you by.

And also to add…when life throws an awful situation your way, as it has with me… cancer, bereavement etc… you’ll yearn for these days when things weee good but you didn’t appreciate how lucky you were.

Your post makes me sad. Why would you think your boys will grow up and leave you? Are the men in your life really that awful to their parents? The men in my family and my partners family are all very close to their parents. Fearing being alone is no reason to have children.

I want love more children but at almost 40, id rather not push my luck, especially because i had difficult births. Partner feels the same way. If tour partner is adamant about nomore children, he wouldnt bat an eye about the snip.

This is an interesting question. Yes my dad doesn’t speak to his parents and there’s a lot of abandonment in my family in general.

You have two healthy children. Focus on them and be thankful for that.

My DH can't have children and won't consider any other options, such as donor. I would do almost anything to have one child.

Two is company, three is a crowd and unless you are rich, your DH is right. The expense for three is huge and why csn you not accept his position? Logically he’s right.

Im sorry to read that. No wonder you think your boys will grow and leave but please know that it really isnt the norm.