Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

Well, either way one of them is going to be unhappy with the outcome. And I did say I have no idea how it can be resolved. Most people on here seem to think OP should just suck it up, and possibly that will be the outcome. But if she does leave him, he can't say he was unaware how she felt about wanting a larger family.

Exactly, children are not emotional support animals. I live about 8 hours from my family. I call constantly and visit when I can but I have my own life independent from them. I think your issues are deeper than wanting another child.

She does just have to suck it up. This is one of those situations where the one who wants it doesn't get their own way.

You can't force anyone to bring a child into the world that they don't want. You know, a living, breathing, new human being that you have to nuture pay for at least twenty years.

He doesn't want a third one of those.And she does just have to suck it up I don't know why that's a difficult concept to grasp.

Or she can break up her family of course and go and find someone else
But I think that's unlikely to find a man to take on someone with two kids both with health problems and immediately start having another child.

No wonder he doesn’t want a third! Health problems! I missed that. Some women just seem to think their needs or wants trump every other issue. What about caring for the dc the op has instead of having yet another dc who might also have problems? Never mind her finding someone else, the DH might!

What is leaving her husband going to achieve? As I said before are people really that selfish and short sighted to break up a happy and stable family, see the children they already have less and disrupt their existing children's lives and have them live between two houses just in the off chance they might meet someone to give them a 3rd child. And if they don't? Would leaving their husband be worth it?

There doesn't seem to be any suggestion the OP is leaving her husband so it's a moot point. Because frankly if you can't prioritise the stability and lives of your existing children over your desire for a new baby, then frankly you shouldn't be having one anyway.

Op i wouldn’t actually recommend you have any more children anyway with your current mindset. Your expectations and impressions of life seem to be misguided.

You seem to be stuck in the baby phase, but really you need to accept that your kids are out of that phase now and focus on supporting them in their next phase of life.

Sex of a child makes no difference as to whether people ‘leave their mothers’. I am female and live a few hours from my mum simply because I moved away for university and then moved again for work. That is the reality for many.

And it matters not one jot how much you explained to your DH that you wanted a big family. Having kids is often a lot harder than you expect. He is being sensible.

Young people are also finding it increasingly difficult to get started in life due to CoL and fewer jobs. Save your money for the boys you already have to support them in their future.

OP, may I share a cautionary tale?

Some years ago, I discovered that someone I knew was expecting her third child. At the time, her older two were (I think) 7 and 5. I asked her, as tactfully as I could, if this third one was unplanned. "Oh no," she said, quite matter-of-factly. "I just thought: what am I going to do, now the other two are at school?"

Much later, she admitted that she hadn't really thought it through. They found they needed a bigger house and a bigger car, holidays were much more expensive, and (to use her own words) "it really brought it home to me how long it takes to get back to normal."

HTH

Sending you love and strength.