Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

How do you know that having another child would make things perfect? They might also have a health condition, or there could be a million other reasons why it doesn't go as you envisage.

It sounds like you are a bit hung up an an idea/ a fantasy life which is not rooted in reality and might not really be about how many children you have.

I think this is as much about your mindset - wanting things to go perfectly is not realistic, and honestly, complaining 'nothing ever goes perfectly for me' sounds a bit childish to most adults who have lived in the real world for any amount of time!

Even if you had a whole long list of what you thought you wanted and got every single thing on it, your life may well not feel perfect.

It's the lens you are looking at it through. You can change your perspective without changing your life.

Reason we didn’t have a 3rd child

we’d have had to move house
I’d have been off work again and it wasn’t viable my husband has an health condition that worsens as he get older and he didn’t feel that was far to a child when he already struggles with the 2 we have.

reason I wanted a 3rd

my 2 are IVF and we had one viable embryo left and I felt sly leaving it on its own!
some counselling helped me through

Well unless you leave your husband and break up the family to
pursue this alone - it’s not going to happen. So move on, focus on prioritising your current kids and making your business successful to support them. That’s literally all you can do.

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone OP. Most of us could think of at least one aspect of our lives that if it were different we'd be happier. Unfortunately when something isn't available to us, be that good health, a loving family, money, children, we have to find a way to make our peace with it and focus on what we do have.
Your situation is tricky because rather than see another baby as something that's not available to you, you are seeing it as something your husband is keeping from you, and that you can persuade him to give to you. While you still have this attitude you won't find your peace, and you will waste much time in your current state of mind.
I think you need to focus on accepting his decision (you know a coerced unwilling father would be a huge problem) and decide whether to stay or take the gamble of leaving to find a new partner.

Adeline261" I mean nothing goes perfectly for me ever." Does it for anyone though? Most people have problems and worries.I think you are being unrealistic here . Having 2 children is a privilege for many.4 DC take a lot of care ,thought and expense! I would try and be happy as u are .

His main reason is he “just feels like our family is complete” and doesn’t have an urge for any more children whereas when we’d had our first he knew he wanted another.
He says that makes up the majority of the “no” decision but if he had to pin the rest of it down to concrete factors it would be :
we’re paying for private education (his choice though)
we like holidays
our boys are very energetic so would we have the bandwidth for another
both our boys have had health issues (one serious, one not serious but did still require surgery and caused delayed speech). So why roll the dice again. THIS is the reason that makes me incredibly sad. When I compare (I know you shouldn’t!) to my friends who’ve had kids they’ve not been through anything like this with theirs and it’s hard not to feel sorry for yourself when you feel like you don’t catch a break

Your husbands reasons are perfectly valid. You have had two children with health issues, one you said still required on-going check ups. Having a 3rd child isn't going to un-do the past. You're not going to "catch a break" with a brand new baby and two older children. And theres absolute no guarantee as you know a new baby won't have health issues themselves.

Another thing that does make me sad though is that people say that boys tend to leave their mums when they get married or meet a partner and will move away, so I have visions of those busy family occasions with my kids etc just won’t happen because we’ve got two boys and they’ll be with their partners families. They’re so confident too I can picture them moving abroad when they’re older and my husband will be off playing golf and I’ll just be alone!

You really are overthinking all of this you know. You're worrying about what might happen 25 years from now! I'm the wrong side of 60 and one thing I've learnt is that life is very unlikely to be exactly how you imagined it was going to be 20 years ago!! Mine is worse in some ways, but way better in others. I have a lot less savings than I imagined and never managed to work and build up a pension. Grandchildren, however, are more joyful than I could have ever imagined. You just can't get a prescription for how your life will turn out, you just have to enjoy the good bits while you have them.

He makes sense. But even if he didn't, not wanting another child is enough of a reason not to have another child.

There are no do-overs. Having another child will not make up for the worry you have already experienced.

Sperm donor? You have options beyond societies rigid ideas of marriage and family.

Furthermore as well, many people don't feel their family is complete after 1 but do after 2. I certainly did.

I am struggling to see your reasons for a 3rd against your husband's sensible decisions for staying at 2. You've made a few points about how difficult things have been for you, how difficult your children's health issues have been, how your life isn't perfect compared to everyone else's and how depressed you are.

I'm struggling to see in what reality bringing a brand new baby into this world, that your husband doesn't want while also balancing the needs of your older two children is going to make your life perfect and easier.

I can relate. I also had two boys and was desperate for a third when they were little. I wasn't hoping for a girl -- in fact, I would've preferred another boy. I just really missed my babies and wanted to experience it all one last time.

Do you spend time on yourself? That's what got me over my obsession with having another. Going to the gym and exercising, starting to dress nicely, pursuing hobbies.

Is it a baby you want or another child? if it is just the baby days you want one last experience of then it is all over so fast and you then have nearly two decades of raising a child to adulthood with all the energy, emotional and physical it entails plus the expense. Hard as it is and sad as you feel, maybe look at what you already have and keep on with the therapy if it is useful.

Your husband sounds incredibly sensible and in all honesty, it sounds like you need a bit of a reality check and a kick up the bum.

I feel like there are a lot of people being very harsh in these comments. OP, I can relate, we have 3 but I just don't feel 'done'. But, my husband doesn't want any more. Having another child is a two yesses, one no decision. I agree that if he doesn't want another, there's nothing you can do. Believe me, you don't want to pressure him into having a child that he might resent, but your feelings are real and valid. It's so hard when you aren't both on the same page. All you can do is work on accepting the facts and having gratitude for the children you do have, but you aren't selfish and ungrateful for struggling with these feelings. Just don't let it consume you or steal your joy.

I love my 3. Wouldnt have it any other way

It’s OK to be sad and rant if you need too. You pictured a big family, you thought husband was on board but for reasons he has changed his mind.

I always wanted 3, but I changed my mind due to multiple reasons and sticking at 2. The reality of a child is a lot different to the thought of one.

That being said, I think if this is the only reason you’re upset with DH then therapy to work through it, for your sake and your DC’s sake. It really wouldn’t in my opinion be worth leaving an otherwise happy family to try and get pregnant and have another child elsewhere.

Yes perspective is important, you know you’re extremely lucky, others can’t have any children, but you’re also allowed to be sad x

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone.

Has he told you why he doesn't want to have anymore children.

I think some of these responses are quite harsh. You are allowed to feel sad about this, just as your husband is allowed to feel your family is complete. This would be really hard to come to terms with, and I think you can let yourself grieve this for a while. You say your youngest is 4, I found that a particularly hard birthday for my eldest, it really felt like the end of baby/toddlerhood and the start of him being a little boy. But hopefully as time moves on you can too and begin to enjoy the freedom your children being more independent brings. If you can, use some of that time for yourself. (My husband is way closer with his mother than I am to mine by the way!)

Weirdly though the more freedom I get back and the more of the “old me” I feel due to my kids getting older and having more time for myself the worse I feel- I’m happy staying the bedraggled over tired mum for a few more years I’m not ready for it to be over 😭😭
I think it’s true, now my youngest is nearly 4 it’s like the baby years are officially over and I’m not ready at all

What about if you retrained so you could work with children?

Then you’d have a lifetime of supporting young children, without having to have them yourself.

From your glass half empty account of your life, @Adeline261, you sound depressed. Is your therapy addressing your sense of never completely getting what you want and your fear of being abandoned in later life? I think you likely have historical issues that need to be looked at. It doesn't sound like your desire for more children is hormonal (or not exclusively), it sounds like this fantasy is standing in for something else you need. Make sure you are working with a sufficiently skilled psychotherapist to get to the bottom of this. You may find antidepressants helpful too - people often combine therapy and medication. Your family life as it is sounds like it has lots of potential to fulfill you once you work through this - good luck.

Just playing devil's advocate for a moment - everyone is saying Shame, you can't have another child because he doesn't want one. They seem to be assuming that he gets to make the decision. Why is OP's wish for a child not just as vallid in the joint decision-making? He is not the only person involved.
😯

As it turns out the OP does work, but of course it's often relevant. I've got 2 friends who had a third the moment their youngest got a reception school place because they didn't want to go back to work and wanted to keep being mum to a baby/toddler. It's very shortsighted as I suspect they will be less keen with three teenage boys at the same time.

I'm sorry you've had those health issues but you're seriously letting that taint the bigger picture too much if you think you haven't caught a break. You've got two great kids who you're able to put through private school (whether it's DH's choice is irrelevant now, it's the choice you've agreed on and committed to).

That already makes you very lucky compared to many families or many people who wanted kids and haven't been able to have them, or have broken up with their partners, and myriad things that you're conveniently editing out to feed this image of yourself as lacking and unable to catch a break. Instead of seeing that, you're feeding the misery with imagined dark futures with no basis in reality, and envying pregnant friends and bigger families, which will all make you feel shit and convince you there's something missing in your life. This is a mindset issue that will not be solved by a baby and it's within your power to fix if you want to.