Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

Things never, ever go perfectly, and they wouldn't with 3 or 4 or however many kids you had. If it's perfection you want, you're always going to be depressed. Some people would see a family of four as perfect, but I guarantee there's no one with kids who hasn't had a whole bunch of challenges, whether health, money, behaviour, something can come out of the blue at any point and upend our plans. That's what having kids teaches you, and it's always going to be a problem if you resist learning and think the answer is to have another baby.

Sadly, things don't go perfectly, evwn fkr those who seem.to have it all. You are on the outside looking in to all these friends. You have no idea of the private rows, miscarriages, insecurities and other difficulties.

You have two children. We have two children but initially wanted three or four. It wasn't to be so we made the best of the hand we were dealt.

I'm sure we look perfect from the outside. Two wonderful DC, everything money could buy, etc, etc. However, we buried a baby (decades ago now, so no need for support) but for many years it was far from perfect and getting from one to two was hideous. DH would have stopped but I persisted and there were a few rows on the way. But one to two was and is, to my mind, more significant than two to three. You have two lovely boys. Enjoy them and know that in a year or so, the hard work is behind you.

Its relevant because a decision to not have a third may come from finances, and if she doesn't work, maybe a way to negotiate, or calm fears.

Think of it this way, you already have two beautiful boys. Part of your longing will also be because the youngest is entering boyhood and the baby stage is over. One day your sons may have children and there you will see your big family at the dinner table.

Don't wish your gorgeous situation in life away with longing for more, you have so much.

I mean this kindly but nothing goes perfectly for anyone.

I agree with the others - two of my friends found out recently (one after several rounds of IVF) that they will never conceive. So many people would kill for what you have. Enjoy your children, and count your blessings.

You have two healthy and happy children - way more than what a lot of people have. Count yourself lucky.
Do you work? Or is your husband solely supporting this ever growing family financially?

Do you think that your fear and worry for your son (past, or for the future if the checks do not go well) have slightly blighted how you feel about his early childhood and you want a “perfect” experience? I had a son who had quite a few challenges in his first year after having my first child, who was very easy going (at least in retrospect - obviously at the time I didn’t know how easy a baby I had!). For a while, the difference between what I had expected and what had happened made me feel as if I really wanted another one - I just hadn’t had the chance to draw breath and appreciate it at the time and felt that I had lost out a bit. However, with two healthy kids and some distance, I don’t feel that way any more. It is always tempting to think “I’ll be happy when” or “if only…”, but try to draw some positives from the family size you have.

This.

You sound depressed and looking to fix that with another child is wrong. Work on yourself and your marriage. Find the joy in your life. Be grateful.
You have a husband and two lovely children.

"it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever"
No-one's life is perfect? And there is no guarantee having another baby would go perfectly.
Appreciate what you have.

I couldn't have any children. You have to come to terms with it somehow and live with the acceptance. I had therapy and did a lot of work on accepting and loving my life as it is, and trying to look on the bright side.
It's awful op, but you do have 2 lovely children. Enjoy and cherish them and like other have said, quit while you're ahead!

Nobodies life is perfect so you need to get your head out of that slump to start with.

Also it’s one thing pre children to think you’ll want 3/4/5/6 but once they come along and the reality of actually raising those children hits it means often people decide to have less.

You even get over it or you split your family up to chase this third child.

Iim sorry but you need to stop this. For the sake of the children you do have. Because trust me this will affect them as they grow up. What is "perfect" anyway? I think I would change therapist.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. It sounds like you’re grieving the family you always imagined, and that’s a very real feeling. Be kind to yourself and give therapy time to help you through it.

There's nothing really you can do. You keep saying your feelings need to be validated, but you also you need to validated your husbands. It doesn't really matter how many children you initially wanted. No one really knows how they will find parenting once they are in it and two children is a lot and can stretch many people. Your husband sounds like he feels he's at his limit which is perfectly acceptable.

Children deserve to be wanted by both parents. No one should be pressured into having children they don't want to appease the other parent. You have two children already. I'd focus on your own family as well as engaging with counselling.

I think some of theses comments are a little bit harsh/flippant. The OP is clearly upset and struggling. Unless you have experienced the yearning to have another child (whether you already have 1/2/3 etc.), it's hard to understand just how strong the feeling is, and it's almost like a form of grief if it doesn't/can't happen. It's easier said than done to just get over it.

OP, I do understand how you feel, but as others have said, unless you're prepared to separate from your husband, I think you do need to learn to accept the situation. It will take time, but from my own experience, there is something to be said for thinking very carefully about all the things that will be easier with 2/harder with 3, money and time-wise. I think looking at it from the perspective of your existing children will help too - they will have more of your attention and support, both emotionally and financially, and that's really important.

It’s a shame you think nothing goes perfectly for you when you have 2 lovely children and a DH. Many people would absolutely love to be in your situation. Maybe be appreciative of what you have

The impact on your children because of your depression will be apparent even if they don't know why you're sad.They will know you are. You see, you feel horrible every single day.And they will pick up on that.And imagine if they found out, it's because they're not enough for you and you want more children.

Your children are now at an age where they're at school and you can have more independence back. They aren't totally dependent for every care need anymore and can do some things themselves.

They no longer need daytime naps, so you can have the day to yourself.To go somewhere with them.

If you had a baby and got pregnant right now, your children would be 5 and seven by the time you had a newborn and six and nine with a one year old.

It would be super expensive.You'd need a bigger car, possibly a bigger house, family holidays all tend to be two adults and two children so do family tickets.

Being honest.What if you had a third boy? Is this because you want a girl?

True re finances but most women do work - it isn’t 1986, I don’t actually know any SAHPs come to think of it.

Nothing goes perfectly for anyone, ever. You have more than most people, maybe that's enough?

If you’re not talking about because he’s busy and you’re not trying to talk him round in any way, how do you know it’s definitely a no go? He won’t know how you feel unless you talk to him straight, not give hints or outline.

You sound like you are wallowing and you need to snap out of it. Nothing goes perfectly ever for anyone. I have 3 children, all with additional needs, all high needs, I have chronic illness, my husband has just started chemo, the last few years have been bloody hard! But I don't wallow. Im grateful every day for what I have. I find joy in so mamy beautiful simple things, because i refuse to be someone who thinks and acts like "why does everything always go wrong for me." Things are never going to perfect and you'll always be disappointed if you strive for perfection. Life can be really shit some of the time. A brand new shiny baby is not going to make life perfect for you.

I have a friend who was like this after 3 children. She just loved having babies and feeling so needed by them - she openly said this. She also said she'd never be done and would always be looking for the next child. Her DH didn't want more after 3 and she accepted it but it was just the way she felt.

Perhaps this is you OP looking for a baby to make you feel a way you think it'll make you feel? I don't know. But I'd say keep going with the therapy - it might be that it's not really another baby that you want but some other joy or validation in life? I wish you well 💐

There was a very similar thread posted a few days ago about a poster who thought her husband should give her a 3rd baby as she was depressed with kids of a similar age and health problems. Are you the same poster?

Children are a life long commitment, people in their own right. They should and deserve to be wanted by both parents. Not simply brought into this world because a parent is depressed or wants a "perfect" life.

I understand and empathise with your difficulties. But you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim in all this. A third child isn't going to make your life magically perfect or better. In fact it's just going to add to the chaos, juggling three kids of different ages and needs.

I grew up one of three. I had a happy childhood but as someone said, it's not a dynamic I'd choose for myself. Someone was always left out (normally me as I was the only girl) and it was always two against one. We arent close now as adults, certainly not a support for one another and theres no extended family dinners. Things don't always turn out how we want. That's life. No ones life is perfect and it would certainly be a massive responsibility on some unborn child to make your life "perfect"

You have two options - you either stay with your husband and accept that you won’t have another baby, or you decide that your need for another baby means you and your husband are no longer compatible, so you divorce and you embark on a new relationship where you can have another child.

I think there’s a huge clue in your comment “it just feels like nothing goes perfectly for me ever“. What do you mean by ‘perfect’? What would have to happen for you to feel like your family plans have gone perfectly? Is this achievable or are you aiming for something that doesn’t exist and then being disappointed?

You’re really lucky to already have two children!
You should appreciate what you have.
I think 2 is more common than 3 nowadays.

It took a lot of convincing my husband to even have a second let alone a 3rd but he did come round to it and both glad he did.

My sister wanted two but had a MC & was never able to conceive another and she’s now too old to have any more. so would’ve loved to have had second but cant & wont.

I personally think 2 is enough and I think 3 does change the dynamic a lot compared to 2. It’s obviously a lot more work & expense as well.

at the end of the day you both have to be onboard with it as it’s a big decision &
u don’t want ur DH to resent it if it does happen or affect your marriage, so I think it is something u have to accept. It’s not worth potentially losing your family over.