Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

We all know the answer to that so it's moot. A child should be wanted by both parents. The one who wants it doesn't get to force parenthood on a partner who doesn't want it nor on the child who'll have to live with it. Plus the DH's stance that the family is complete stacks up much better than the OP's abstract wish, which as many have pointed out is not really about having another baby anyway. She's fixating on that as a sticking plaster, but a child can't be that for anyone.

Having 4 children was non negotiable for me. I absolutely would have left my partner over this. Hes not wrong for only wanting 2 children but your not wrong in wanting 4.

Im not saying you should leave your partner but you really need to think about how much you want more kids. Men can have children forever. If 10yrs from now you split up. He can move on and start a new family with someone else. It may not be that easy for you. Ive seen it happen. From men adamant they were done, until they had a new girlfriend 🙄

Would he compromise and be willing to have a 3rd child?

Two healthy children seems like a good option. If he doesn’t want any more, then you've either got to accept that, or leave, and maybe have another child with someone else.

Because it takes two people to make a baby that's why. How do you propose the OP goes about having a baby with a husband who doesn't want one? Is it fair for a child to be brought into this world with the knowledge one parent didn't want them and potentially resent them?

If he is that dead set against any more children then he should have the snip. If he refuses then you know he just doesn’t want another child with YOU.. but might consider it in another relationship if yours doesn’t last.

Why are you in therapy?

Having a third child you don't want isn't a compromise. It's just letting the OP have what she wants. There is no such thing in this situation.

Really? You think one person in a relationship gets to decide that they’re going to try for a baby?

I have a really lovely husband, who leaves me in no doubt that me and the kids are the centre of his world. We are totally aligned in pretty much everything….except when it came to baby number 3 (potential, didn’t actually happen).

My feelings were very similar to yours, I genuinely felt heartbroken. I cried so much, and honestly it is the only thing in our whole relationship that my husband hasn’t been willing to do that I really wanted to. He pushed back so hard, it was a flat no. I cried loads over a long period of time and he stood firm, he was adamant it was the wrong thing to do.

In the end, I was so upset that he said we could have another, but on reflection I didn’t want to have a baby with someone who really was only doing it to keep me happy, so I said no.

I am SO glad that we did not have another child. The upset lasted until youngest was 6, but I genuinely thank god every day that we didn’t go ahead. He was right, it would have turned our lives upside down just at the point we were moving into a new phase of parenthood. It would have impacted the experiences the children we had could have, I would have been back to EBF instead of doing the more ‘grown up’ things like taking my youngest to see pop star concerts etc. Honestly, he was so stubborn because without the emotion I had, he was looking at the situation as it was and he made the right call.

We have had a truly amazing life, one of my kids is now grown up and the other is a teenager, and the childhoods they’ve had would have been so different if we had added a third, and not different in a good way.

I know you say you're "playing devil's advocate" but surely you can understand why the person who says no gets the final say?

This is a human life, not a decision about buying a new sofa.

because one requires his sperm in order to make it happen? and creating a life long obligation against another persons wishes is bigger than not doing so. if OP really REALLy wants she can end her marriage and do it with someone else.

I know two women who actually left their husbands to have a 3rd child.

Oh how they regret leaving the middle class lifestyle for a child one of them never had and the other who has a very difficult childhood Vs half siblings who have a great life

Would you consider ending the relationship with your current husband in order to find a new partner who will give you your third child?

I am a (very content) mum of only one.

Our situations are exactly the same exactly as you wrote. Thank you for sharing your experience

Get over yourself, you already have two and its unfair to put pressure on your husband emotionally and your family financially.

Unfortunatley there is nothing you can do i was the same after we had our two my husband was adament no more and it took a good couple of years for the broodiness to wear off ( and thats with having a hetic life with both kids being in nursery us both working 40hr week) ours are 15mth apart and i never felt over it. It wasnt until they were both in primary that i realised i wasnt getting as broody probably because we had more of a relaxed life in routines and i cant say when it was i felt that either.
And in my head his logical arguments as to why to stop at 2 always made sense just never knocked out my broody gene, his other point was he couldnt do another pregnancy as our 2nd he worried daily about the birth as with our 1st he nearly lost both of us on the day she was born and it caused him to worry all through the 2nd pregnancy. Me 2hr after having her the midwife asked if i was ok and i said yep do it all again tomorrow. Pregnancy for me was a breeze though aswell for both kids and i loved being pregnant as much as i love being a mum ( though be warned teenage years are no joke !)
Staying with 2 has also meant every opportunity for them to do what interests them we could put money aside for, so they are leaning into their passions as much as their academics and im grateful we can give them that.

It will ease but you wont change his mind and if you do there is a risk he will resent you for it. You have 2 wonderful kids now try to learn to love what you have it will be hard especially if its something you really want but the desire will ease with time xx

Get a puppy, that’s what I plan to do as I know once my youngest is abit older I’ll get that feeling again.

now my youngest is nearly 4 it’s like the baby years are officially over and I’m not ready at all

OP, I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been mentioned, but it sounds as though your youngest will be starting school soon. Is this one of the reasons you now want another baby?

I have no advise but I could have literally written your post word for word ❤️

Why aren't you allowed to try and change his mind?

Op what’s your contraception situation at the moment?

Be grateful for what you have. Your boys each have a sibling..
Op probably just wants a girl...it's always the way with these threads

Well she could but it’s not ideal is it, to be coerced into having a child. Surely children deserve to be very much wanted

Are people honestly this selfish and short sighted in real life? Say for arguments sake you had two or three kids and your husband for whatever reason decided he didn't want any more. Would you have honestly have left your husband and have your children live between two houses for your own selfish reasons?

And what if you didn't find anyone else to have the desired amount of children you wanted, what would you have achieved? Your children living with you half the time, between two houses, their lives potentially disrupted, all because you thought you were owed a certain number of children?

YOu are allowing this to poison the actual family life you do have - you need to find a way out of this.