Depressed - husband doesn’t want another baby

[Adeline261]

I feel horribly depressed and low at the moment because I really yearn for another baby but my husband doesn’t. I understand I can’t change his mind and haven’t tried but I’m really struggling. We’ve already got two lovely boys almost 6 and 4. They’re a handful but great fun.
I just don’t know how to feel better. The word sad doesn’t cover it, I feel horrible every single day. I struggle being around my friends who are pregnant and hearing about larger families with 3 or 4 children physically pains me.
I came from a small insular family so I’ve always wanted a larger family. I thought I had outlined this to my husband when we met. Obviously not well enough.
What do I do?
Already in therapy

Be careful you're not chasing a dream. Having another child will not fill whatever is missing from your feeling content, that has to come from within.

Nothing ever goes perfectly for anyone.

It is very sad that you can't enjoy your many blessings because you're so focused on what you've been denied. You may genuinely need therapy for this.

I hope your children don't realise how you feel. You're concentrating on what you can't have instead of you what you have.

I would think about the financial aspect, the future of your children. Young adults are finding it very expensive and in some cases impossible to afford to leave home, it's difficult to get a good job. Going to university is crazily expensive. I worry for future generations. I don't know if I would want to bring more than two lives into this world unless you're very wealthy.

Be careful what you wish for as they say.

This.

Childhood goes by in a flash and you will have spent your kids childhoods feeling sad about what you don’t have and not joy at what you do have.

Somehow you have to find away to focus on the positives in your life… hoping therapy helps with that. You have a lot to be grateful for.

I agree it’s very expensive to raise a family now.l, especially more than 2.

Has your husband given a reason for not wanting a 3rd? Maybe that will put your mind at ease if you know the reasoning behind it.

Going against the grain here, but I think if you made it clear you wanted a large family before you got married, and your DH accepted this, he is being very unreasonable in shutting this down now. What you do about it though is another matter.

It sounds like you have been trying to fix your unhappy (insular) childhood by creating a very specific situation in the present. This is impossible. You can't undo what happened to you. And you can't predict what impact a third child would have on your existing children. Perhaps they would grow up saying they wish you'd stopped at two, that their parents' attention was spread too thinly.

You also sound as though (as pp have said) you feel sorry for yourself. Nothing is ever perfect for anyone, it's not just you. But you have two children and a husband who is honest with you. You love and respect one another enough to understand that you differ on this.

For your own sake, be grateful for what you do have and forget about chasing the fantasy of complete happiness being on the other side of having X number of children.

These imaginary magical end-points we all create (when I lose a stone, when I earn X money, when I have a third baby, when I get my dream job, THEN I'll be satisfied forever more) are proved to be illusory as soon as we reach them.

Having children is not the same as marrying a football fan or someone who runs their own business or only likes holidays on the beach

@Adeline261
TBH both of you are 'right'
It is OK for him to not want more DC.
It is completely understandable for you to feel bereft by this.

My BIL & SIL had 2 DC. She wanted more, he didn't. They had another DC. He was a shell of himself for the next 8 years. Completely exhausted. No more bandwidth. My DN is lovely BTW - very easy. In fact all 'easy' DC. Their eldest is now 18 and I feel she hasn't had a very present DF for the last 10 years, it's a shame.

In answer to some questions
I run my own business. I sometimes wonder if I’d stayed in the public sector maybe our lives wouldn’t feel so hectic and my husband might have a different view about another baby.

I worded it wrongly before, I’m not striving for perfection. What I meant was that a lot of things have happened over the last few years and it just feels like however hard I try for something to go right, it just doesn’t quite seem to go my way.

I am beyond grateful for my children. I don’t necessarily want to have another to have a girl. Another thing that does make me sad though is that people say that boys tend to leave their mums when they get married or meet a partner and will move away, so I have visions of those busy family occasions with my kids etc just won’t happen because we’ve got two boys and they’ll be with their partners families. They’re so confident too I can picture them moving abroad when they’re older and my husband will be off playing golf and I’ll just be alone!

When you say "depressed" what do you mean please?

I agree. It's a deeply held life goal, as OP has related.

Things don’t go perfectly for anyone

I agree.

Even when people seem to have it all, a perfect life, there's always something lurking in the background that only they know about. I've been surprised many times when discovering things about my friends lives. That I thought were perfect.

Do you seriously suggest that everything ever discussed before marriage is to be held to as some kind of precontract?

That nobody is ever allowed to change their minds and must always stick to what they originally said?

Even if he originally knew that and said that - several years of life and marriage and family, life has happened since then. And he's seen what it's really like.
Now that they've had 2 children, one has had health problems, all of which might contribute to the husband not wanting to do it again. And you suggest he should be held to what he said premarriage?

Unbelievable.

Just to add some perspective for you OP....

I have four DC (all boys) and two have additional needs. It can and does happen. If I knew then what I know now there's no way I would have had 4. I would have stuck at 2.

Enjoy the two you have.

I know this is an MN standard but could this be hormonal?
I am childless not by choice. At the relevant time, fertility trearment was much nastier than it is now and much less successful, additionally harder to get through NHS and wildly expensive privately. We discussed it a lot and decided to leave it to fate with no investigation, that we would be ok to be childless and we were. I had a happy and fulfilling marriage and life. Then peri hit and "not yet" became "not ever". I was shocked to be so affected. I managed a young team and many were expecting or expecting to expect, we had celebrations for people going on mat leave and visits from the mums with new babies. I couldn't face any of it, luckily was in a management job share so could avoid most of it. My head still knew it was unreal but the feelings were genuine. I imagine it would have been much worse had I actually really wanted a child.

Lucky for me the feelings resolved as I got further into peri.

You can't rely on your DC to be your companions as you get older. You need to carve your own life (speaking as someone who is entering empty nest life)

No guarantee if you had girls they wouldn't move abroad

In response to your update OP, I am one of two girls and neither of us live near our parents or have these busy family occasions you mention etc. You can't plan for what your life will look like when your children are adults OP. Even daughters sometimes move to Australia etc. You equally could have another boy who might have additional needs and never leave home.
I really wanted two children but struggled to conceive a second time round. DH was also unsure about a second child so eventually we stopped trying. I was devasted and spent quite a lot of time crying but eventually I got to the stage where the thought of going through the baby years again made me break out in a cold sweat. DH also had a lot of mental health issues and in the end it probably made my life much easier not to have that second child. I really just wanted to say that we are biologically programmed to want to have babies (in general) but as your children grow up and you move out of that phase of life the feeling passes. Many people have said this to me also. It won't hurt as much as it does now forever.

I have my 19yo still hanging around and he's not in a rush to leave? He helps with my shopping.

Oh I am one of two - my brother is the one who lives near my parents to help. I don't live near them all. I don't have a strong bond with my mum. We see each other occasionally.

It sounds like there is a fear of loneliness from you here. You’re making some big assumptions about the adult lives of your children which are based on some pretty dated gender stereotypes. I’d take this as a sign that you need to start carving out a life for you now they are getting older and less dependant (something which, presumably, you feel you wouldn’t have to face if you had another baby as the dependency and sense of purpose cycle would reset and continue…).

Is there a hobby you could start to invest time in? Are there places you want to travel to? Could you focus on your health and wellbeing, eg exercise and movement to keep you strong and able as you age? Friendships you could invest time in? A goal at work or a related qualification?

Mine are both grown now. My ds li es abroad and my dd will in the next 12 months. The world is smaller than it was and travel is easy, albeit to one on a different continent. There is also face time. We cannot anticipate the shape of our children's livea.

One of my children was born with a health condition which was addressed but requires yearly checks

One of my children was born with severe learning disabilities which affects our lives and that of her sister every day, and will do for the foreseeable future, her special school was a 50 mile a day round trip. We still have fun and friends. It's not the cards you're dealt, but how you play them.

Your life looks perfect to me, as others do to you. But nobody's life is.

What are his concerns?

It can be tough! I was in the same boat as you (also with two boys). However, we had a late term loss in between them so it probably made me have a reality check more so and appreciate what we have even more. That being said, I’m one of three, my partner is one of four and I always envisaged having 3 kids and he was on board but changed his mind. He literally announced without us having a discussion during the c section for our last boy that he wasn’t having anymore. I think having two busy boys was a lot different than he imagined on top of having a busy job. I struggled for a while immensely with this and it almost seemed unfair that he had the final say but then I looked for the positives. 1, how incredibly lucky we are to have two healthy children, we don’t need to upgrade the car, we can conquer and divide and give them both equal attention when we are both here, we can afford to send them to a great school and go on holidays and for them to do lots of extra curricular activities which we may not have been able to do with three. We did get a puppy once we knew we were stopping at two (not that I suggest this is the answer). Now it’s been a couple of years since - I’m actually very happy we stopped at 2. My oldest has now started school and I feel like I’m now finding time for myself and career also. Sending hugs to you - it’s hard but in time you may look at what you have and realise that you’re looking at happiness and what your little family should be!