It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Happy birthday for tomorrow 💐

Do WAY less for them.
Teens these days are terribly self centred. But so are my young adults sometimes.
I have stepped back and now spend a considerable sum of money and time on myself.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Your teens are being thoughtless but you know that. Why don’t you treat yourself if no one else is going to. Self care is so underrated. Do what you want for the day, buy yourself a present, take yourself out for lunch. Happy birthday x

YANBU. Can you leave your teenagers to it tomorrow & do something fun just for you?

Happy birthday for tomorrow x

is there anything you could do for yourself or on your own while you kids can fend for themselve?. Mine are forgetful and so I spent one birthday on my own in the cinema.

Happy birthday for tomorrow.
And perhaps take a leaf out of friedakleins book.

You are probably right - I should. I think it’s just mum guilt as they have such a lousy father that I feel I need to do double the parenting, love, holidays, experiences etc….

Have you sat them down and told them how it makes you feel? I know you shouldn’t have to but in this case I’d lay my cards on the table and tell them. Give them the option of having the less fuss for their birthdays if it doesn’t matter to them. You are shaping their adulthood now. Call a compulsory family meeting.

Birthdays with my parents and sister are always family events. We always get together and we are nearly in our 50s!

Sending you big birthday wishes.

You are the best person you know. So look after that person. Look up things for yourself and do them. When it's their birthday get them a lovely card saying how much you appreciate them, but no actual gift(s) or special meal.

How the hell can anyone vote YABU? Of course you’re not.

I think people make too many excuses for teens. Getting up and saying Happy Birthday is NOT arduous. Take yourself off somewhere OP, treat yourself to something and sod them

Yes, speak up.
Say you deserve more.

No. This isn’t a kindness to them. What you’re doing is hindering them, and it’s having a very direct negative effect on their behaviour.

You’re not their best friend. Your job isn’t to get them to like you.

Your job is to parent them into decent human beings who care about others, and right now, they don’t.

Happy birthday Mama for tomorrow.
See if you can at least go out for a drink with a mate or colleague after work. If you’re not working, go somewhere nice for lunch as a treat. The day might work out quite lovely.

Im afraid teenage kids in particular are exceedingly selfish but in some cases as they mature they get better at remembering birthdays and such like.

Pull your horns in a bit in future for their birthdays. If they whinge, just remind them about zero effort for yours. Tough love!

Happy birthday for tomorrow, OP!

Are your teenagers maybe caught up in the midst of teenage selfishness, the agonising embarrassment of having to acknowledge that you have a mother, not having a clue what you would like and knowing that even if they do absolutely nothing you will still love them and be there for them? I think this is common with teenagers.

You can make it plain that you are disappointed in them if they make absolutely no effort. Be annoyed and read the riot act, then go and enjoy yourself in whatever way you choose. You could also mention that you make an effort on their birthdays and you are not asking for the moon.

Sometimes it takes mum spitting out the dummy to force them to consider that other people than themselves have feelings.

Happy Birthday OP. I know it's not the same but you should do something nice for yourself tomorrow

Sit them down and tell them both, 'I am really upset that neither of you seem to think that my birthday matters. If you make no effort for me, please be aware that the same effort will happen on your birthday. It's time for you to realise that you treat other people the way you expect to be treated, or you'll find that they don't bother with you'.

I don't expect it will make much difference to them initially - so if you wake up tomorrow and they don't say happy birthday or give you anything then I would take myself off for the day and do my own thing. Don't be there at teatime - treat yourself to a meal somewhere else and don't answer your phone.

And certainly don't bother say happy birthday, or buy a card/presents on your DD 16th and your DS 18th.

I genuinely mean this. It's the only way they will stop being utterly self centred.

And they’re taking advantage of that.

I agree with that poster, do a lot less for them.

Maybe just put £50 in a card and that’s it.

I was going to say this too. Just leave them to it and do something for yourself.

I do hope you can have a happy birthday.

Once my DD left home I never received a birthday card on my actual day: maybe a day or more later. Once I received a card posted one week after the day! I used to just suck it up, it never got any better. I don't have contact now.

I know that feeling, I would highly recommend you book yourself a massage/lunch/cinema whatever and enjoy it. Leave a list of jobs to be done for you coming home, DO NOT DO THEM!!MAKE TEENS DO THEM!!
and don't mention your birthday again, I think teens enjoy the power, crushing your spirit.
I would though use their excuses on them, your daughter wants you to go and get her something? Nope, your pal doesn't want to go shopping,so you don't either. Let her tell you how ridiculous it is.
Happy Birthday!

I’m in tears reading all of these messages - it would honestly be easier if I was being unreasonable so than I could snap myself out of this mood I’m in. It hurts that I’m not being unreasonable - being their mum is my whole world and I’ve put everything into being their mum.

They are genuinely good kids, excellent in school, never had detentions etc, polite when out and about and never really cause me any massive stress. I guess they are just spoilt and this is the outcome x

Do they care about other people at all that you have noticed? Anybody else's birthday? Friends, grandparents, father?

You're their Mum. You chose to be their Mum

But that's a contract you entered into and they didn't chose to.

It would be nice of course, if they acknowledged the things you do for them and appreciated you but they don't.

So do less.

I have a strong suspicion that if they do it’s because the OP prompts them to.