It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

The reason I thought you were being unreasonable is that it's quite sad to see that you have continued to indulge your teenagers even after they were so lackadaisical about your last birthday.
They are old enough to order something online out of their own money, or to go to the corner shop and buy you a bar of chocolate if that's all they have money for.
I have 3 adult DC, and they have always got me, their Dad, their grandmother and each other presents for Christmas and birthdays. It has been made very clear that this is the expectation. It might be something very small or inexpensive, but there is always something. They did get reminders, ( which your Mum could do for your birthday), but now that's not necessary.When they were small they would make birthday cards, which has also become a bit of a family tradition.
So tomorrow is your birthday. I would be asking who is making the cake, saying " You do know my favourite chocolate is Galaxy, hint hint" and then maybe get a takeaway ( of your choice) in to celebrate together. Depending on how it goes, the next day `I would expressing disappointment and telling them to expect a very low-key Christmas as far as presents are concerned as you are quite hurt they haven't made any effort for you. And then stick to it. Put any effort into activities rather than presents. You don't want to have a horrible Christmas as well, but you do want to have expectations crystal clear, and it seems they haven't been up until now.

Your teens sound like selfish little brats to me. My teen foster sons x 3 who all have special needs manage to go out and get me a card and something little but thoughtful. I just had my birthday. One bought me some flowers, one got me hand cream and the other a Key ring withy favourite football team on and a bar of my favourite chocolate. They have had a terrible start in life yet they are thoughtful teens. It sounds like you have been very eager to make up to your teens for the fact they have a crap Dad. You have overindulged them and made them entitled. Stop running yourself into rings after them and make them do more for you. Make them do chores. Stop giving them so much stuff. Look what it has done to them. I bet they get totally spoiled at Xmas too. This Xmas set them a much smaller budget eg £100 each and do not go above this. Let them learn the hard way. You should have nipped this in the bud when they were much you get DC. You have let them get away with treating you like shit and now they are little shits. Come down hard on them before they get any worse. A card cost a couple of pounds.

OP, when i became a single mum with teen boys, i was very clear with them about my expectations for my birthday. they wouldn't know what to buy me, so i made it simple - a cup of tea, a bar of cadbury chocolate, and a family movie. we've done this on my birthday for the last 4-5 years. sometimes i get more, sometimes i dont. but they know the expectations and they stick to it. i also know what to expect which is helpful, and so i am never disappointed by them. as other posters have said, sit them down and tell them what you expect on your birthday. make it clear and simple for them.

@Ponderingwindow "I think children need to be actively taught how to treat someone in their birthday, especially a parent. It must be harder with a single parent situation because there is no one there to walk them through the steps. Since the lesson only happens annually, it also takes longer to learn."

Oh come on. The oldest is 17 and knows perfectly well what a bloody birthday is. The OP hasn't said either of them are simpletons. Christmas only happens annually too. Bet they don't forget that.

Gosh messages like this and others are so toxic, immature and unforgiving. Not to mention aggressive. I sincerely doubt her teenagers are actively wishing to hurt her! What an assumption to make?! Madness. What's wrong with just having a serious honest vulnerable conversation with them and say you don't expect much but birthdays are important to you and you'd really appreciate a card/something simple. Ask them do they appreciate the effort you go to for their birthdays? Do they want all the effort? They may not! If nothing improves after the conversation, then I think pull back on their birthdays. I send nothing more than a birthday text to my parents and vice versa but we're all very close and I love them dearly. Birthdays just arent a big thing for us.

Start of a brand new world.

this will be one of the best things you have ever done. For you and possibly also for them. ❤️💖

Just want to say… what an amazing stepmother and supportive co parent you are. Refreshing.

Dare I say it, with the best of intentions you may have spoiled them? Giving children everything they want doesn’t result in thoughtful and compassionate people…

Day to day, you need to teach them to think of others rather than themselves.

Here it needs their dad or your mum to talk to them and ensure they do the right thing.

It's lovely that being a mum , a good mum is so very important to you.

However, you are allowed a day off 'mumming' and maybe just do something for you.

Considering yourself and your needs does not make you less of a good mum.

Happy birthday for tomorrow ☺️ you are not being unreasonable AT ALL, but teens can be so thoughtless, if you can do something for yourself please do 🙂

Exactly what I was thinking. Tomorrow they fend for themselves completely. Kitchen is over there, washing machine is over there and give them paper plates and whatnot so there's no washing up. Do something for you.

Teens are selfish.

But tell them you are hurt. Tell them you didn't want a present they bought but for them to show they care. Tell them that love is showing up for someone. It's putting the effort in. It's not money. It's care.

It's an important life lesson for them.

I remember my dad being visibly upset in my teens when my sister didn't bother showing up for dinner on his birthday. I think it was the first time I realised he was a person with feelings rather than just a parent. I still remember that very clearly. I didn't know he could be sad, if they makes sense.

And my sister remains deeply embarrassed about not showing up because she "didn't fancy it". (She's very good now and organises everything).

Also cherish your friends as a single parent. Find time for yourself as a person and not just a mother too!

@Bluehouse14 "What's wrong with just having a serious honest vulnerable conversation with them and say you don't expect much but birthdays are important to you and you'd really appreciate a card/something simple."

They shouldn't need that conversation. They aren't little children. They buy their father birthday and father's day cards and the DD is attentive on her friends' birthdays. And they're very happy to be made a fuss of on their own birthdays. So with all due respect, that's bollocks. They haven't been brought up by wolves in the forest for god sake.

I am an indulgent parent by most people's standards. I still spend hundreds of pounds and a lot of effort on my three adult DC's special days.
I would go mad (and they know it) if my DC failed to recognise Mother's Day, my Birthday or Christmas. Even as young DC they would make me a card (I still have them all), and DH let them shop online for something small.
From around thirteen they used their own money and whilst I do get lovely gifts now they're a lot older, it really is the thought that counts.
Being a teenager is not an excuse, especially when they see you doing everything alone. Please don't be a martyr. Going forward give them one more chance if you haven't made your feelings on the matter clear already, then match their efforts.

.

Yes, start yourself a bucket list OP and work your way through it with the money you'll save on not spoiling your little brats anymore. They are beyond selfish.

Ahem...

Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday, dear canarywharfs,
Happy birthday to youuuuu!

(And many moooooore) 🤗😃

Happy birthday OP 💐💐.
As for your poor excuse for children…….words fail me! What ungrateful, thoughtless little shits! I hope you don't pay for their mobile phones!
And the next time they ask for something…….make them earn the privilege to have it!

They're not great kids! They're entitled, spoilt, ungrateful and inconsiderate and I'd be giving it to them both barrels.

Give them nothing for their next birthdays. Don't even acknowledge them. No lifts anywhere, no favours, no consideration. Let them see what it feels like to have no one bother with you.

Happy birthday for tomorrow. YANBU and I don't think you have done anything wrong as such. They are being teens and need it spelling out.
It's the classic they are used to you organising everything and don't realise that it would actually be nice if that could be reciprocated.

At their age I think it is ok to say that it makes you feel a bit deflated that nobody makes an effort on your birthday and that you don't stop wanting to mark the occasion just because you are older.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow 🎂🥳

Throw yourself a party (with them). Like a kids party, cake, cupcakes, crisps etc. Agree with the self care, wander a bookshop, have a long shower, pop into Boots. Make it your day anyway.

And I’d guess a number of us will be on to say happy birthday tomorrow 🥳🎉🎂

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that they are spoilt - I take no offence at that. It’s been completely unintentional on my part but the results now speak for themselves. I wouldn’t say that they get everything that they want but they have had everything that I’ve wanted them to have - which is basically what I didn’t have as a child. I’ve just over compensated that on my own children.

Im a hugely affectionate person, tell them I love them daily etc….they force themselves to say it back but it’s never said first. As a child, I was never ever told I was loved and never cuddled or given affection: Never praised for anything - hence me getting the best gifts I could for my parents just to try get some sort of love back.

Clearly I’ve gone OTT with my kids.

no, I don’t pay for their phones. That’s the one thing that their dad actually pays for!

I agree they should make effort, I’m thinking to my teens at that age. Mine didn’t have to do pressies as their dad sorted it but they would wish me a happy birthday, be involved in presents/ cake etc even if they weren’t leading on it.
I think you have to try to stop wanting it to be different and start planning your own day . Do something nice for yourself and treat yourself.

Happy Birthday!!
Just a thought. But can you calmly and kindly explain how hurt you are, and say what you have said here? That you put so much into their birthday because birthdays matter to you all, and that now they are older, they can take responsibility for it now? That they go out of their way to get things for dad but not you. And that yes of course you will love them if they don’t, but actually, you are important too and deserve to be celebrated as much as they are? And that part of maturing as a human being is about caring for those closest to you. And that you hope that your kindness to them hasn’t resulted in selfish and entitled behaviour, but a willingness to care for others in the same way?

can you try that? And ask them to exercise some empathy about how they would feel in the same situation?

I hope you do end up having a good day xx