It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

They genuinely are lovely kids, like I say, never really had any real issues with either of them but they are 100% selfish.

But they are NOT lovely. They treat you like you're scum

You're not scum

Stand up and prove to them that you have self respect

Yabu teens really aren’t going to be interested in your birthday, ditto young adults. To be honest they are only interested in their birthday to get presents and/or excuse to drink. It’s best just not to care what others are doing and instead do something for yourself, I often used to book the family holiday over my birthday so at least I would be doing something nice I planned! Perhaps I’m unusual but as middle aged adult now I’m not that inclined to celebrate being older anyway

Im feeling this.
On Mother’s Day a few years ago no one got up, no one gave me a card, no one gave me a gift. I put a huge amount of effort into people‘s birthdays and father‘s day. I went mental. Shouted at all of them and gave them both barrels. I told them I’d be meeting all their birthdays and fathers days with the same energy. Then I bought myself what I wanted. It’s never happened again but every year now I decide what I want and I buy it for myself.
They are at an incredibly selfish age. But old enough to understand they’ve hurt you. Stop sheltering them, but Id give them a shock. Leave them in bed and take yourself out for the day. Don’t tell them and don’t tell them where you’ve gone. A lovely lunch, cinema, walk, whatever makes you feel like you. A day for you. Don’t leave them food - let them fend themselves and come back really late. Let them see what you do with your absence.
that would be me but I’m really pissy like that. You deserve to be noticed, seen and appreciated. Have a lovely day x

They sound brats. Stop indulging them. No effort from you for next Christmas and birthdays. Let them see how they like it.

No need to be so sad and regretful about it..My kids are also lovely with others and excel at school, with lots of friends. They just take me and DH for granted sometimes.
I also overcompensated with one of mine. Learnt not to do so with the other.
Now think what you want to do tomorrow and do it. If really skint, even a day wandering around a museum or art gallery feeding your soul

I would honestly not do anything on their next birthdays and then talk to them about how it made them feel and say that's how you felt too

Happy birthday for tomorrow x
My 27 year old son is similar. I’ve given him so much , gladly. Even when I was married to his dad , it was me who did the paying, the gifting etc. I organised his dad’s funeral last year and sorted out his hideously messy end of life and estate/finances. All him and his girlfriend care about is how quickly they can get their hands on the rest of his money.
I didn’t even get a Xmas card last year.
Go and treat yourself and do something nice for you. We need to learn to give less and care less , but I know it’s not easy.

They may be good kids, but teenager brains are not always that good at "being kind" (ironically, as they seem to like to say that a lot).

Tomorrow, I'd sit them down and be frank about how it's upset you, and as they couldn't be arsed to do something as simple as saying Happy Birthday, then you have decided to spend money on yourself and you are going out somewhere nice for the day and doing nice treats for yourself. Ask them if they would like you to match their energy in future on their birthdays?

Oh babe, you're not unreasonable. Their dad should be reminding them as well. Go out with a friend for the day - sod the ungrateful little brats ((((hugs))))

OP are you working tomorrow?

If not go and buy yourself a tiara ( I always wear one on my birthday) and some bubbles.
Get a nice Marks and Spencer meal and a new book. Let them make their own tea

I started going out with friends on my birthday about ten years ago when my DC were teenagers (13 & 17) I picked a Friday nearest to my date and had a slap up lunch with my friends.
I use to get forgotten as I am December born. My DH works even longer at Christmas and he's rubbish at organising social events. I get a lovely lunch, presents and feel spoilt. If that's not for you order in as above.
On two occasions my daughter has joined us.

I now receive presents.

That's terrible! My 16-year-old daughter goes all out for my birthday and Christmas and I actually have to tell her not to spend too much of her money on me! She also tells my parents (who are terrible gift-givers) what to buy me as she noticed that they don't seem to know me at all 😂

I would be so hurt, go out to the cinema or the theatre tomorrow and stop doing so much for the ungrateful brats.

Your kids are rude and spoiled and they don’t respect you. They ignored your big birthday last year but you didn’t pull them up on it, and still got them big presents this year. That was a mistake. If they don’t get you anything this year sit them down and explain this isn’t acceptable and you won’t be paying for any birthday treats, phones, allowance, driving lessons etc unless their attitudes change.
Eta also arrange sth nice like lunch with your mum or a friend that doesn’t include them.

I mean, if you want to put any kind of positive spin on it - at least they feel secure enough in your love that they don't feel they have to 'buy' it, as they do with their father.

They take you for granted because they think you will always love them and they don't need to put in any effort to reciprocate.

To be fair, they do usually grow out of this. But a good therapeutic shout might do you all some good.

That's really not true. I'm sorry that it's been your reality. But all the teens and ying adults in my extended family and friendship groups take the trouble to celebrate and mark their parents' birthdays

That's true. Maybe best to wait and see what happens in the morning. But don't expect anything. I wouldn't hang around all day in hope though. OP is already in pain at how dismissive they are. At very least, she needs to start treating herself the way she wants to be treated. Her own behaviour towards herself is something she has 100% control over, so she needs some good birthday treats and try to feel empowered, not sad, that she is doing this for herself.

OP, I'm sorry but they are really not "lovely kids" if they can behave like this towards their mum. It's truly appalling. I have 3 teens and yes, they can be self-centred at times, but then would never ignore my birthday. I can't even imagine this.

I think you have to sit them down right now. Tell them that tomorrow is your birthday and you are expecting them to make an effort. A significant effort, seeing as they made none last yiesr. Tell them that if they don't, you will be devastated and they are both old enough to grasp this. You are NOT being dramatic. Stop making excuses for them. Tell them you deserve a little better and if they still choose, despite all you have said, to make no effort tomorrow, then they have set the tone for their own birthdays in future. STOP accepting this. They need to grow up and recognise their own mum as a human being. Xx

Exactly. My 16-year-old is incredibly thoughtful when giving me gifts and doesn't need any prompting or reminding.

Raise the bar!

I would go out and treat myself (or better still, meet a friend for a celebration) but i I'd be back for early evening. Just to give them one least chance to have planned something for you. And if they haven't, you have The Talk with them next day.

Same....
My son is now 32.
Never had a birthday card after he left home, he couldn't even call his only living grandparent on their 90th Birthday.
I too felt the 'mum guilt' as his dad wasn't in his life, but at some point you realise that its become a one way relationship.

They aren't so little that they can't hear a few home truths. I'd arrange a lovely day for yourself. Then at some point I'd have a word with them both about the lack of effort and kindness towards you. Motherhood isn't about being a martyr. I'd scale their birthdays right back so £50 in a card and a cake. If they want weekends away they can do that on their own money. Their dad being useless is on him. They aren't just going to have an epiphany out of nowhere. We set the standards of how we should be treated.

You shouldn't to spell it out and guilt trip your own children, but in this case, it seems this is what you do have to do.

If they still actually do nothing, then they need to feel the consequences. Go to a hotel and leave them to it and tell them you are so hurt you don't want to speak to them. Expect a LOT more. It's not hard really, is it. Don't let them go into adulthood thinking this is ok and they can take you for granted.

This above. My son doesn't spend much money on me (he doesn't have much) but he makes me a cake and always gives me a big hug. I'd be seriously upset to have such thoughtless children. I can only think you have done so much for them they have become terribly entitled. I know single mum guilt is real but please don't do too much for them/let them get away with this. You should also pick them up on it when the don't thank you for presents, treats and days out etc.

It's so heartbreaking when somebody is YOUR world; but to them, you're just the very edge of a distant galaxy, far, far away.

You say they're lovely kids, but I can't believe that they can be so self-absorbed and not care a jot for you. Even if they can't be bothered to buy you anything or even get you a card, how much would it cost them to even say Happy Birthday? It should be as instinctive to them as thanking somebody who has held a door open for you. Even little kids, who are not known for being decentric, will usually call out a cheery "Happy Birthday!" when told/reminded that it's somebody else's special day; because they know, even at their young ages, that this is the very bare minimum that you do.

Strangers on the internet are sending you birthday greetings in this thread; but your own children don't even think you worth the effort of their opening their mouths for a couple of seconds and uttering two words.

I would take a lesson from the case of their father and understand that, if you give them everything on a plate, they just take you for granted and see you as a resource rather than as their own precious, lovely mother.

If they think they don't need you - and actually seem like they've come to despise you - let them fend for themselves or go without when it comes to 'nice to haves'. I would also explain this to them carefully, when you know you have their attention, and make sure they realise just how much they've hurt you with their breathtaking selfishness and complete disinterest in your worth and importance. Alternatively, you might prefer to send them a letter. I think the options are either for things to carry on as they are forever, or otherwise for them to be upset for a while, but hopefully giving them a long pause to stop and think, leading to a healing of their relationship with you.

I hope you have a wonderful and special day, focused entirely on YOU, whatever you choose to do

Thank you for all the happy birthday messages - very much appreciated.

I don't plan on doing much tomorrow -but there is a concert on Friday night that I fancy going too, usually I would take both dc as they love concerts but I am currently planning to go with a friend instead 😊

Was just thinking the same thing. Stroppy youngsters who also cba to do anything nice for their mum?