It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

Happy Birthday.

Honestly, painful as it will be, I'd stop doing anything for them. Stop making an effort, and tell them in a very calm, unemotional way, why. Say you feel taken for granted. You put effort into celebrating their birthdays to show them they are valued and loved, and they make zero effort for you. Tell them it is deeply upsetting to be so undervalued, so for now, you feel unwilling to keep making an effort, as it makes you feel like a mug to keep showing love to people who don;t show love back. Tell them if they want anything from you, they have to ask nicely and respectfully and also start showing you some love.

Then totally stop for a while. At least a week or two. Maybe a month. Don't restock the fridge. Don't wash their clothes. Don't cook for them. Don't put money into their accounts. Don't give them lifts. Don't replace things they need. Don't pay their phone contracts. Let them experience real discomfort. If they turn on you, just say, 'It's horrible, isn't it, to feel like no one cares about you, no one is willing to make an effort for you, not even your own loved ones?' Tell them you aren't yet feeling like they care about you in any way, so you don't feel ready to make an effort. They can rely on their dad for a while if need be. You'll find it hard to do this because you sound like a loving, kind, considerate person. But there's a massive difference between being a good, loving mother and being a doormat. Part of our role is to get really tough on them if they treat loved ones like trash.

DS1 was a bit like this for a while. It was so hurtful. But I did tell him how it made me feel, in a very calm, factual way. Now he's an adult, he took me out for lunch on my recent birthday and bought me some books I wanted, signed by the author. He's come round!

Have you sat them down and told them how it makes you feel? I know you shouldn’t have to but in this case I’d lay my cards on the table and tell them. Give them the option of having the less fuss for their birthdays if it doesn’t matter to them. You are shaping their adulthood now. Call a compulsory family meeting.

That. I'm stunned that your DD asked you for money to buy your present. Eve not even getting it of bed on your big birthday?

It needs to be made very clear to them how hurt you are. List all the thoughtful things you do when it's their birthdays. And make it clear that it's not about money, it's about them showing that they give a damn about you.

Honestly, I'd be devastated if my kids behaved like that to me, Ava I wouldn't be able to pretend otherwise.

tell them in a very calm, unemotional way, why. Say you feel taken for granted. You put effort into celebrating their birthdays to show them they are valued and loved, and they make zero effort for you. Tell them it is deeply upsetting to be so undervalued, so for now, you feel unwilling to keep making an effort, as it makes you feel like a mug to keep showing love to people who don;t show love back

This poster put my suggestion far more articulately then I did.

And Happy Birthday tomorrow. Please leave the house early, before they get up. Go out for the day and really treat yourself. Have coffee in a good cafe. After work, if you are working, go to a film, or if you have time during the day, book yourself a facial or a massage, or haircut. Buy yourself some things you'd really like - new clothes or shoes, luxury bath products, a book you'd love to read etc. If you can afford nice things for your teens, you can afford them for you. Make time and money for yourself. Go out for dinner with a friend, and don't worry whether there is food in the house for them. It is really important they learn to love, cherish and respect you for all you do for them. They can't take you for granted if you stop letting them.

But how that working for you ? You sound lovely and they sound like ungrateful brats . I would honestly just tell them how hurtful they are being then go out for the day and do something nice . Happy birthday 🎂

In re your pp, stop making your kids your whole world. I am not saying they are spoilt. I am saying you need to make them miss you.

On my bday this year I went on a solo trip to Venice. My kids are adults and I have a partner so not quite the same. But can you go away for the day? Alone if you have to. Solo travel is very liberating.
Detach yourself a bit.

Happy birthday for tomorrow. I mean this kindly, teenagers aren’t always socially aware, they assume that it is your job to make their birthday special but it isn’t their job to look after their parent in the same manner.
Do something nice for yourself.
My DD loves buying friends from school gifts for their birthday, it’s a classroom thing, she didn’t buy me anything. I didn’t say anything about it as my birthday is usually something that I prefer to pass quietly, she would not have done it from a place of badness.

My daughter does her own gifts for her best friends.

Ds doesn’t have many friends.

Surprisingly they have no issue with getting their dad a card on birthdays and Father’s Day.

For family birthdays, I usually sort the gift from us all.

If they're reasonably polite to everyone else and just rude to you then perhaps they take you for granted and don't think they need to make any effort at all or are testing you to make sure you'll still be there for them even though they treat you badly. (And I'm sorry, but what you have described is very rude, especially no 'thank you' for the weekend away and the horrible chat from the one who said she'd get your something if you gave her money and she could make an outing of it with her friend - personally I think that's much more hurtful and insulting than just ignoring or forgetting your birthday.) If they can't even make an effort on your birthday once a year when they've seen all their lives that birthdays are important to you then I agree, do radically less for them. Tell the older one that she's an adult since she's turning 18 so no more fuss, and cut way back on the younger one's celebration to make sure she's prepared for being cut off in a few years.

And celebrate your birthday the way you want this year, without them and with no regard for their needs or wants since they are not interested. Next year, consider going away by yourself or with a friend or your mum if you'd enjoy that.

I also agree with a pp that it's a power play. They don't have control over much in their lives but they can have control over the way you feel. They KNOW it's your birthday and they KNOW you will be upset if they don't step up. And they don't care.

Which is why I am keen on reading the riot act. They can't treat you like this, just because they know you will suck it up and still love them. It's not fair.

The best lesson i have learnt in life is to match people's energy whether that is friend or family. I give back exactly the same energy as I get and it has made me so much happier as I know where I stand and reciprocate accordingly.

Try it, it's liberating

You know what I'd do ? Treat myself to a takeaway solely for my consumption and let the dreaded teenagers fend for themselves with boring freezer food ! Probably have more effective than nagging them

Happy birthday for tomorrow. Take the energy you normally spend on them for their birthdays and apply it to your own birthday tomorrow. Then when it's theirs do the minimum.

The more you do for them out of guilt the less they will reciprocate. Sit them down and say “I want things to be better for all if us as what we are:a family of three! For birthdays I’d like us to celebrate each other affectionately snd thoughtfully. But if that doesn’t seem important to you we can stop. I’ve noticed that things aren’t reciprocated here. That’s not a healthy pattern for you going forward. Its hard to maintain friendships and love relationships if you won’t reciprocate gestures of love and care.”

You can't double the parenting like that. You have put them first in your own life. Perhaps they have taken away the message that you have let them down and they deserve even more than you've given while you deserve nothing? Not true at all. Teenagers can be horrible but they will change for the better in the next few years.

This.
My teens are the same. It's demoralising when you do so much and get so little thought in return.
Do something nice for you.

Honestly, this is the issue: "being their mum is my whole world". It shouldn't be true, but is, that people treat us no better than we treat ourselves. If we are doormats for our DC, they take us for granted.

This is your wake up call. Your best birthday present to yourself tomorrow would be to go out alone to a cafe with a nice new notebook, and start a list of things you want for yourself. Things you want to do, learn, try, explore. What sort of person you want to be. Then spend a bit of time on your phone researching them. Sign up for a course or evening class or fitness session. Maybe look at some self help books or therapists that specialise in women who have lost themselves in motherhood.

What gave you joy before they were born? What music? What activities? What skills did you always think you'd develop? Make time for them now.

Absolutely. OP, they are walking all over you. You need to teach them respect for others and be prepared to deliver a very hard lesson. You don’t need to wait until their next birthdays though - just stop the treats, outings, lifts et. right now. Make it very clear that their refusal to acknowledge your birthday is hurtful and there are consequences.

I agree. It is life changing. I mirror people. If they are warm, kind, considerate, that's what I give back. If they aren't, I don't make any effort.

Your ex isn’t not ‘helping’ he is not ‘parenting’ language matters.

Happy birthday for tomorrow OP.

I would try not to take it personally- teenagers are selfish.

What I would try to do is something for yourself. Get a takeaway, book a spa treatment, order a new book.

I have been doing this for a while now. I mirror everyone in my life. If they don't make an effort, I don't.

I do think it's a less organic learning process for kids of a single parent. From being toddlers our kids were taken out by the other parent to buy birthday gifts, and encouraged and helped to make cards/gifts/ a cake. And so everyone's birthday was seen as a big deal.

If there isn't a second adult demonstrating that the other parents birthday is important, fun, and something to be celebrated together, the kids are less likely to just pick that up

I mostly agree with this ^, but just wanted to say that if they phone you, I wouldn't pick up, but would message them to say that you are treating yourself to a nice day on your birthday, and they shpuld only contact you if it's an emergency / you'll speak to them when you get home.

I wouldn't want to use not answering your phone as a way to make a point - it couod backfire & tjey could follow suit in the future.

That's what I'm wondering
.they must be interpreting something wrongly