It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

The unfortunate truth is that children never care about their mothers as much as their mothers care about them, especially as children move towards being adults and try to assert their independence. There’s no chance that they will come near the amount you did for them growing up. Remind yourself that you did everything without expectation of payback. Teenagers are notoriously self absorbed and can break your heart if you let them.

I never had a birthday where my children didn’t buy a present or do something nice for me, as I did for my parents. I remember when I was about 9, buying Mum a tin of her favourite talc, and couldn’t wait to give it to her.
When they were very small my husband helped them to choose and paid for them, , perhaps a nice plant, flowers or chocolates, then as they got older, they used some of their pocket money to make their own choices. They loved watching me open presents and cards, to see my reaction. Now, in their fifties and sixties, they continue to put a lot of thought into birthdays and Christmas. If they’ve been brought up to appreciate their family and celebrate birthdays, and to put thought into giving, they will do it in teenage years, however moody they are! If I were OP I could not bear for them to be so heartless and selfish!

This is how my Mum behaves towards me and my DC. Never even a message to acknowledge our birthdays despite her receiving cards and presents from all of us every year. She lives in Spain and we all went out to her for her 80th and took her out for an expensive meal. Booked a villa for us as she doesn’t have room for us. Not even a thank you. I’ve stopped bothering now.

Sorry, but I’m saying YABU. It’s ridiculous to expect symmetry between mother and children in relation to each others’ birthdays. The days you gave birth to them were a far bigger deal for you than for them (they knew nothing about it), while the day their grandmother gave birth to you is even less relevant to their lives. Who is supposed to be the adult here?

No, I don't think she should. It's very nice if kids want to but I don't think it's typical.

That’s sad, and a poor indictment of young people, if they are that selfish, entitled and inconsiderate . I would like to think that the majority aren’t like that, and are brought up to be appreciative and thoughtful, learning from their parents by example.

@CurdinHenry and @Pog166 and others on this thread who think this behaviour from teens is normal - raise your bar! The teens I know care very much about their parents' birthdays and always do something to mark it. I think it's incredibly sad that your expectations of young people are so low.

Agree 100%. I don’t know any teens who treat their parents like this!

How many 15 and 17 year olds have the means to take their mother out for a meal and buy presents for birthday.

I didnt at those ages

No one expects teens to spend a lot of money, but not acknowledging the day with even a cake or card with a nice message is just horrible.

You don’t have to do those things- most children get pocket money. Bunch of flowers some chocs and a card are doable. Cooking mum a meal, make her a cake. Grow a plant , make her something, clean the car, breakfast in bed, Anything that shows kindness, thoughtfulness and appreciation.

You are justified in feeling this way.
I think I would book something fun for you and them - a meal out, a day out, a holiday - just so that you felt special on your birthday. Your choice of day out or meal and just tell them you’re going out to celebrate, spend some time together.
We’ll be on holiday for my 45th. I planned it that way. I will tell my kids I don’t want anything else, I’d much rather be with them somewhere fun than have a present or card.

I think that's a bit weird and enmeshed tbh

Flowers AND chocolate AND a card? How much pocket money do you give your kids?

Exactly.I think people have forgotten how much things cost.

I had money for a card at best at 15. Not much more at seventeen.

How much money do these parents truly give their children.

Some of these replies . . . My parents both had birthdays just after Christmas and from when i was about 12 onwards they got a birthday AND a Christmas present. I didn’t get much pocket money either. I saved up from October onwards.

Two parents and pocket money. Do you not realise how privileged you were?

I had one parent and no pocket money.And she pulled a face when she got nothing for her birthday.

What did you suggest I do about that?And what do you think my mother thought I should have done about that? Did she want me to shit out a fifty pound note to go and buy something for her.

You could get them from the supermarket for under a tenner! I’d expect them to save a little from their pocket money, but as I said they don’t have to buy anything. Breakfast in bed, clean the car , cook the dinner, just spoil Mum. At least acknowledge her birthday!

And if mum's birthday is on a school do they take the day off to serve up breakfast in bed and does mum take the day off work if she's working?

Who the hell wants to eat in bed - never understood the fascination with breakfast in bed. Toast crumbs get everywhere. Unless you're going to eat a fry up in bed that's a whole other spillage nightmare.

It's weird to expect your kids to be so selfish and self-absorbed that they wouldn't care to even mark their own mum's birthday. I actually can't believe expectations of teens are so low.