It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

I completely understand why you’d feel like that, it’s human nature to want to give your DC everything you have to make their lives as wonderful as you can. But look at how they are after you having made all that effort for them? They’re lazy and selfish and entitled and they take you completely for granted.

I think you need to see what happens in the morning. If they surprise you, then great (I don’t believe they will, but it’s sod’s law that if you say anything today, then they’ll show you the cards and thoughtful gifts they’ve got for you!). In the morning, when no birthday wishes are forthcoming, talk to them both. Tell them you work really hard to give them everything you can and you are so disappointed that all your hard work has just turned them into selfish children. Make sure they understand that it’s not about gifts, and that bringing you a cup of tea and toast in bed with a big hug and a happy birthday, or offering to cook spag Bol for dinner, or equivalent, would have been equally appreciated. Tell them that you’ll be matching energy from now on, so to bear that in mind going forward.

Don’t ask them what they want for Christmas. When they try to give you lists in a few months, ask them why they’re giving it to you, tell them that you’ll have a look later and might get something off it if you have time to go into town. Shrug your shoulders and ask them what it is they want from you. You know that they don’t appreciate it when someone makes an effort, so you don’t know what they’re expecting. I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy them anything. I don’t think you could bring yourself to do that. But they need to have that wake up call that it’s a distinct possibility and that it’s their behaviour that has caused this reaction. And then you have to stop spoiling them. It’s not helping them.

And happy birthday for tomorrow 💐🎉🎂

Happy Birthday for tomorrow 🌸, take yourself off somewhere nice, even if it's with a sandwich and a flask of funds are challenged.

Come on, of course she's going to take it personally. It IS personal! And honestly, mine don't kill themselves but they make a hell of a lot more effort than that (and I don't do nearly so much for them as OP does for hers). Not all teenagers are this selfish and self absorbed.

Im so sorry @canarywharfs it is really rotten that they treat you this way. My DS moved in with his Dad 5 years ago and I haven't had a card or present since, I mostly get a happy birthday late afternoon. I wish I could bring myself to not get him anything (he's 21 soon)but I cant. I have hugely scaled back how much I spend on him and I suspect if I had an argument with him he would tell me not to bother.

Strange their Dad gets a lovely gift and card on his birthday 🙄

Anyway happy birthday for tomorrow! I hope you spoil yourself because you deserve it x

Happy birthday to you tomorrow!

As some others suggested I would probably start doing less for them. They seem to be taking you for granted and somehow along the way they've learned they can just treat you any old way and you just take it

Absolutely! They need a right kick up the arse. Give them a shock on their next birthdays and when they start moaning remind them of this.

Allowing yourself to be at the bottom of everyones list of priorities is doing yourself a disservice. You matter too.

Book somewhere nice and make them go with you.

I would make sure that they knew how disappointed you feel. Not shouting just calmly point out how unkind it is to not make a bit of effort . A homemade card , a cupcake with a candle , just acknowledgement would have been nice. After all they wouldn't like it if you ignored their birthday.

Happy Birthday to you for tomorrow 🎂

Ignore their next birthdays.

Well that's going to be fun for the OP! Dragging along 2 unwilling thoughtless teens - I can imagine the (lack of) conversation.

Make a list of everything you do for them including any housework / washing / lifts etc
Then identify how many of these things they can do for themselves. If they can operate a phone or tablet they can operate a washing machine air fryer or a hoover. Lifts are a privilege that need to be earned
Payment for phone contract needs to be earned.
Fully agree with how effective getting just yourself a take away will be.

Happy birthday

Thats awful but why are they behaving like this? Why have they become so selfish and thoughtless?
I am also a single parent to 2 DD now 24 and 18. They also have a lousy father.
I definitely overcompensated. Birthdays were always a big deal. Holidays etc.
But they always made a fuss back. When they were little they would draw and make things for me. Repurpose things of their own for my birthday and Xmas.
As they got older they bought little things and then took note of what I mentioned and bought those. My older DD1 sent a gift of my favourite cheeses when she was in australia.
How have you allowed them to become so thoughtless and mean.
Have a wonderful day. Go and do something for yourself. Then tell them how you feel. And that you do stuff for them because it gives you pleasure to make them happy not to expect anything in return but you had hoped they would learn from you that it makes you feel good to make people you care about happy.

So they get a card for their dad and not you?

Do they blame you for the separation at all?

Your DD not even thanking you for a weekend doing her stuff just shows they seem to take you for granted.

Stop doing stuff for them. Stop prompting them. Start saying no. If your DD asks why you won't do something then just say "well last time we spent a weekend doing things for you, you didn't even say thank you so I assumed you didn't enjoy it and wouldn't want to do stuff again..."

Happy birthday for tomorrow! Go and do something nice on your own.

They get a card for their dad who is barely around, without any help from you, but they don't get you one? That would make me want to scream. Also I would ask them why they don't get you a card when they do get one for their dad. I'd want to hear what they said about that.

As pp have said, dial back the effort. Their birthdays have just passed, I can see, but take @TheFormerMrsTruelove's advice and drop the effort right down for Christmas.

Treat yourself tomorrow. You deserve it.

I'd be getting that money back from DD and spending it on my favourite dinner tomorrow. Alone.

I think id sit down with them this evening, and let them know, as they are nearly adults, tomorrow will set the tone for all birthdays going forward.
So, if there are no cards, cake, presents, time spent with the birthday person, that will be replicated later in the year.

Then, tomorrow morning, Id got out (if not at work!), do sonething for you - coffee and cake, a mooch round the shops, a walk with a friend - whatever takes your fancy - and see what tomorrow afternoon brings from the teens.

I hope you have a lovely birthday - with or without your kids.

Read the riot act, tell them that you're really hurt by their behaviour, ask them how they'd like it if you behaved like that . Get upset and let them see how their behaviour has made you feel. I don't believe in emotional manipulation but neither should you hide the fact that you're a human with emotions

This

Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

I’d down tools foe the day - when they look for dinner say that it’s your birthday and you thought they’d cook something, the same with any other meal. If they ask for lifts or you do do something for them - just say it’s your birthday and you’re having a few days off from running around after them.

The day after your birthday sit the down and say how disappointed you are in them. Factual not emotional. That gifting is a circle you give as well as receive. They don’t have to spend much/anything - an offer to cook dinner, s birthday breakfast, bake a birthday cake between them, a hand-drawn birthday card, organise a family night where you play board games/watch a move. It’s the thought and effort that counts.

Tell them that going forward, the birthday and Christmas presents budget will now be divided by three. You will spend as much on something for yourself as them, so a third of the usual spend on each. That they have to sort their own presents to one another. You aren’t going to be spending ages thinking of gifts from them either, it will be vouchers or cash. And then stick to it until they start being more thoughtful towards you.

I figured out a while back it’s because their dad isn’t here so they think they have to make the effort. They don’t have to try with me.

Ds especially when it was coming up to Father’s Day would say that we needed to get something for dad…yet would snap at me when he was reminded it was Mother’s Day earlier in the year.

Reading these comments is a definite revelation as to where I have gone wrong - completely unintentionally though.

I had a lot of therapy due to my own childhood trauma. It’s a combination of their dad being crap and me wanting to make mu children feel loved (something I never had). Think I’ve just gone a bit over board and it’s back fired.

They genuinely are lovely kids, like I say, never really had any real issues with either of them but they are 100% selfish.

So it is selective selfishness. I would be looking forward to their next birthday. They would be lucky to get £20 and no cake or decorations.
Please do it to them, there is nothing like tasting your own medicine.
You get what you deserve in life.,

Have you a relative or close friend who could talk to your horribly selfish DC about your birthday? They need someone to point out to them how ungrateful and unpleasant they are being, especially if they remember DF's birthday.
I'm guessing that they just take you for granted - and they need someone to tell them not to. I think it would be better coming from another adult whose opinion they value than from you, tbh.
Happy Birthdsy for tomorrow !

Stop spoiling them

Stop now

You are worth way way more than this cunty behaviour

Steel your heart and teach them a fucking lesson or 25

Plan a whole day of treats for you: shopping or museum visit, spa and treatments. Have lunch somewhere you have always wanted to try perhaps add in a theatre trip followed by dinner at somewhere you want.

They are not thinking of you, but you can invest in yourself and your own well being, and they will definitely see you as someone other than the drudge who is always on call for them.

Let them know what you are doing is a belated birthday gift to yourself.

But then they might say they were going to do something nice for OP but she wasn’t there! I’d wait until the next day, to be sure they really are ungrateful, thoughtless little whatsits…