It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

OP I've now read all your posts and it's clear my above post is irrelevant as you already understand all this.

What I actually wanted to add was that I was in tears reading your updates as I feel the sheer humanity and universality of what you're experiencing. You're a great Mum and you've done so well, and your Mum is a good Mum and your Dad in his way (although not with you always), and your kids are good kids although not in every single way. I have a young daughter and I feel I am staring at my own future in the sense that for all the effort and care I'm putting in now I will inevitably feel disappointed one day about some aspect and that I have taken a wrong turn in parenting. I remember my Dad saying that about a particular area of my behaviour (even though I really was a model child overall, too much so really) - this had been created by a dynamic between him and me Mum. And so it goes. These are just such human experiences and inevitable really, and I just want to stand with you and send solidarity to you, my own parents and my future self who will undoubtedly feel this way one day too!! ♥️♥️

Happy Birthday OP! I hope you find some joy in the day ❤️

Happy belated birthday OP!

I totally agree. I loathe the attitude that you must never let your children see you have a range of emotions, or that they have hurt you and shoudl do better. It is Stepford Wife territory.

We need to tell our children if they hurt us, show we are sad or feel overlooked, remind them we are people not just mum-shaped service machines.

We have 2 adult children who both work full time and who haven’t bothered with Christmas last year, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or either of our birthdays this year. Their birthdays are coming up and they’re both getting absolutely nothing from us. We don’t gift to receive but gifting is a reciprocal activity and you either take part or you don’t.

Hi Op, I hope you have actually said you told them to sort something for this weekend otherwise nothing will be done for their birthdays. Tell them until I hear good news my name for them is The selfish twats because that is what they .are.

Happy birthday!!

I agree they could make more effort by getting you a card, a present and saying happy birthday. They could do one jointly if that’s more realistic.
However, honestly OP i think your problem is that you’re sitting around waiting for other people to arrange something for your birthday then getting upset when they don’t. You’re using it almost as a test of how much they love you and you’re making yourself miserable and you’ve made your children miserable as well this birthday.
Next year decide what you would like to do for your birthday and then invite whoever you want to join you. You’ve seen how successful that can work with the concert this year.

@canarywharfs I absolutely empathise - am a SP in similar situation. I used to spend weeks saving and planning for my mother’s birthday, even when quite young (from about age 7), and for my entire family at Christmas. And of course I make a big deal of his birthdays too. However it seems my DS (13) literally could not care less about my birthday. He not only does nothing but he’s quite often actively horrible that day.

I too worry he’s inherited selfishness from his dad (who is rarely around). Or perhaps it’s that he hasn’t grown up around anyone who makes a fuss of my birthday so he doesn’t understand how you are supposed to treat your mother.

It is very sad and I don’t really have a perfect answer. I don’t feel like punishing a teenager for not organising a birthday card/gift with retribution is the answer. It might make me feel better short term but will it give me long term what I want?? Ideally what one would do instead is ecstatically celebrate anything they do come up with so they are encouraged to do it again/build upon it.
In terms of nails/massages etc - I see where people are coming from but I am not really convinced. At best it’s a distraction from the sadness about the child/ren you have raised and the circumstances of the absent parent. At worst it is sending the message that it is possible and desirable to outsource care and companionship to paid professionals.

This is not normal teenager behaviour. The vast majority remember their mum's birthday and make some sort of effort, even if it's a hug and a cup of tea because they have no cash. Please be aware of that and stop excusing them. You have celebrated them, the healthy model of behaviour is there. They are at fault and you deserve better. Stop celebrating them and give them consequences

It's funny the amount of mental gymnastics from parents to excuse gormless, selfish oaf children. I always remember a middle aged workmate of mine who stuttered and stammered her way through excuse after excuse after her teenage son ignored Mother's Day and her Birthday which were in the same week. If I was his dad, I'd have kicked his ignorant arse.

Aw I wish I could have taken you out for coffee and cake 🎂 .
My 2 older ones are terrible for remembering birthdays and when they did literally nothing on a big birthday ( 60th ) I was so disappointed 😞
Ok they live a fair distance away but still things can be arranged even if they were a day or 2 late .
One of them didn’t even wish me Happy birthday on WhatsApp 😕
My youngest has autism and learning disabilities she went on about my birthday for ages and bought me things ( to be fair she’s got a “ thing “ about birthdays and does the same for all her friends too , she gets what she would like though 😂)
So I hope your talk with your teens has made them realise that you were hurt .
And it’s nothing to do with £ , if someone made the effort to get ingredients and make me a cake I’d be absolutely delighted

In which case I would just put a SMALL amount f cash in envelope so that she will have to save up to buy anything on her 'wish list'. Once she realises that she will not automatically get a pile of presents all containing her favourite things I hope she comes down to earth with a big bump!

YANBU, Happy belated birthday! Just a thought going forward, but if they are not responsible for any chores around the house, NOW is the time to get them to take some responsibility for helping round the house. They may learn to appreciate you more once they realise how much you do. AND start leaving them to sort out their own tea whilst you go out somewhere!

For years and years I put in maximum effort for everyone else’s birthdays and got zero in return. My son lives away and rarely even sends a text let alone a card. My daughter is much better and got so embarrassed when my ex husband wouldn’t get anything and she always made a card off her own back. Now she’s older, she never forgets and is always so thoughtful. However I also stopped leaving celebrations to everyone else to arrange. I plan my own birthday and do exactly what I want to, then I’m never disappointed! Same at Christmas, I started putting presents under the tree labelled ‘To Mum love Mum!’

And that is part of the problem. I fully understand you wanting to make up to them for having an awful dad. But teenagers are notoriously selfish anyway. As many others have said, take yourself out for a treat and let them fend for themselves. They’ll not starve or be scarred for life for a bit of healthy neglect.

I wish you a glorious birthday 🎂

I'm sure they are grateful to you for all that you do for them, it just doesn't occur to them to show it. They don't have their Dad reminding them either to appreciate what you do.
As for your birthday, do you enjoy spending time with them? Does the three of you going out together have an appeal? Maybe with one other friend or relative thrown in. My kids are always better behaved when there's another person there too. If you can enjoy their company and they yours, it will be more memorable all round. Cards and presents are just tokens really. Giving time and attention are more valuable IMHO

The OP’s birthday has been and gone.

Happy Birthday! I just read your post. I would do exactly the same back on you children's birthdays-- nothing! Look after yourself from now on and spend time learning a new hobbie or doing something to make yourself feel GREAT!! 💫🎈🎂🎉🎈🎂🪅❤️💫

You are not being even slightly unreasonable, and I hope y0u manage to have a lovely Birthday.
Is there a close family member, granny, grandpa, older cousin, aunt or uncle, who could have a word with your teens, and let them know how you feel? My bet is that they would be horrified that you are hurt by this. They need something to prick their self centred bubbles.

I would take myself off for a spa day. Followed by some retail therapy.
Buy a box of chocs for later and keep them in your room just for you,some flowers to brighten up the room you mostly sit in,then round up the day with a pot of tea/coffee,plate of biccies fave dvd.
Going forward; you can never stop loving your kids but maybe you're over compensating for their lack of father? It does make kids take you for granted.😐

Oh no ! It has to be on your own/with friend.
Why would you take the source of your upset out on a birthday they have ignored!!

My granddaughter is your birthday buddy. She was one on 1st. Her Mum asked to delay her induction by a day to ensure she was born at the start of the school year. For sure I will think about you next year and hope that you have a better time.

Teens should not be excused for being selfish. It’s not a rite of passage to be so mean! It’s so hurtful for the OP, especially as she does her best to make their own birthdays special. I’d give them a taste of their own medicine. l’d certainly tell them how hurt I was, not put myself out for them, and just give them a card on their birthdays.

Weird! You think she shouldn’t be expected to receive a nice present and treat eg a meal out on her birthday?