It’s my birthday tomorrow….my teens don’t care

[canarywharfs]

So tomorrow is my birthday. I have 2 teenagers 17 and 15. I’m a single mum with no partner, their dad lives at the other side of the country so I have little help from him.

last year, I had a big birthday and neither if my teens put any effort in. My mum bought something for me on their behalf last minute - neither of my teens bothered to say happy birthday to me on the day and I really was quite sad. My daughter wouldn’t even get up out of bed when i asked her too.

This year, I have been reminding them that it’s my birthday (though neither of them need reminding). My daughter said that if I gave her some money, she would go shopping with her fiend and get me something. This hasn’t happened - she did message her friend apparently but she wasn’t free which meant my daughter wouldn’t go shopping - she is independent and down to go places alone.

My son just isn’t bothered about my birthday full stop.

What makes me sad is I put so much effort into their birthdays - especially as their dad doesn’t do much with them. I’ve just got back from taking my daughter away for the weekend - it was a weekend for her and we did everything that she wanted to do. I haven’t even had a thank you.

My son’s birthday was a few weeks ago and I got him tickets to a big upcoming football game as well as plenty of other little gifts.

Im not bothered about gifts at all, there is nothing I need. It’s the zero thought that upsets me. I’ve made no plans and tomorrow will just be a completely normal day which is fine - I just show my kids so much love and give them everything I can. It just hurts to get nothing back. I know they are teenagers and teenagers are selfish but I struggle to relate as that was never me when I was younger. I have always put thought and effort into birthdays for my parents since I can remember and still do now - my children see this.

Just feel a little bit sad. I don’t expect mountains of presents and surprises in the slightest. It would just be nice to feel appreciated.

I am aware that there is spelling mistakes in this but my stupid phone won’t let me correct them so will have to post as is….please tell me if I’m being unreasonable.

This is absolutely bloody awful of them. You need to tell them it isn't acceptable behaviour and that from now on, you will be treating them in kind.

Not all teens are like this - mine were 15 and 17 when my marriage exploded spectacularly. There wasn't much money to go round, but they got together, bought an empty scrapbooking book, talked to all our friends and family to get quotes, photos and memories of me and made a giant memory book for my 50th. Yours need to be told.

And any money you would have spent on them, you spend on yourself instead.

I think children need to be actively taught how to treat someone in their birthday, especially a parent. It must be harder with a single parent situation because there is no one there to walk them through the steps. Since the lesson only happens annually, it also takes longer to learn.

Hi OP. Please take this opportunity to do less for your kids- of course you love them, and I get the need to feel that you have to make them feel secure and loved especially as their dad is not to hand- but take the chance to make them realise how it feels to be at the back of the queue as well, by not making such a massive deal for their birthday next time. Not as a punishment but to hopefully make them feel a bit of what you have experienced to teach them some empathy perhaps, give them the perspective that while it’s not conditional, it feels unpleasant to be taken for granted, and the sooner this is realised by them the better for their own development to have decent relationships as they move through life. I love my kids but also don’t want them to grow up to be selfish arseholes and a bit of less is sometimes a valuable lesson they can learn at any time. Have done this when mine were a similar age, a birthday card and 10 quid one year, and responded to the astonishment with saying, oh, I didn’t think we were doing birthdays anymore- was definitely a lightbulb moment for them (twins 14th birthday that was…) Best of luck and happy birthday!

Sounds like a game changer to me. I might also try it in the professional sphere!

Kindly OP, this is a problem that a lot of single mums struggle with. The answer to the children having a rubbish father is not to bend over backwards doing and buying everything for them out of guilt. Then you just have spoilt children with a rubbish father.

You will need to be there for them more because they only have one involved parent, but “being there” involves things like showing up, giving emotional support, carving out time for them. It doesn’t involve being their servant or tying yourself in knots making everything extra special and perfect. That just encourages them to be entitled and take you for granted (two things teenagers are already good at without any help!).

I hope you have a happy birthday and can put this out of your mind for a bit. 💐

@canarywharfs They are very selfish. I would not read them the riot act. I would ask them to sit down and talk to them. Tell them about your upbringing and how you have done everything you can so that they feel loved and cared for. There is just one thing that you forgot and that you want to teach them; to take you into consideration as well. It hurts you that they don't do something special for you on your birthday or Mother's Day. You are not asking for expensive gifts, just that they put some thought in and show you that they love and care for you.

But the eldest here is 17 years old and celebrates her friend’s birthdays with thought and enthusiasm.

Tell them both that you are from now on going to put as much effort into their birthday celebrations. If they don't make an effort for you then you will put no effort into theirs. Can you go to lunch tomorrow with a friend or two. You could get a lovely cake and offer some to your teens ,even better if the icing has Happy Birthday on it.

Great.
Have a lovely bday!
Go out more often with friends.
And be certain to tell both DC how fabulous it was. I do.

This is excellent advice - the tenner in a card and then the shrug of the shoulders to say ‘oh I thought we weren’t really marking birthdays anymore in this house - I assumed they weren’t a big deal anymore’.

Does the 17yo have a job? Once my DD had a job, she started to enjoy treating friends and family with her earnings.

Definately go to the concert on Friday with your friend. If they say nothong tomorrow but wamt to go Friday you tell why they're not going. "It's my birthday treat, you weren't interested in my birthday so i'm going with (friend)"

They can be such self centred little shites.

Happy birthday. Get yourself a big cake and don’t share it with them.

I see this in my stepkids with their own mum & it does really upset me.

they’ve never wished me a happy birthday which has hurt my feelings a little so I can’t imagine how hurtful it is for her.

i don’t know where I went wrong, from a very little age I tried to really impress on them how important it is to show mummy on special days like birthday and Mother’s Day how much they love her and it doesn’t take much effort, even drawing a card or recording a little video for her. They were a lot more receptive to making the effort when they were younger and would come shopping with me, brainstorm ideas when I asked what we should buy, help bake a little cake, even pick the wrapping paper and bag. But as they’ve got older they just aren’t interested at all & it’s got to the stage I just buy what I think best because when I start asking if they even look up from their phone it’s ‘dunno’, they can’t even be arsed to look at it when I show them what I got and getting them to even sign a card for her is a battle. I don’t know why, they do love her. But it disappoints me because she is a truly devoted mother and would do anything for those kids. And she really does, they want for nothing. They’re not really any better with DH birthday or Father’s Day but I know he doesn’t feel as hurt by it the same way their mum does. Their birthdays are always made a huge fuss of in both houses, they are spoilt rotten. They are really lovely kids other than this.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!

I wouldn't bother sitting them down and reading them the riot act; I'd go out with a friend for a birthday celebration without them, and not worry about what they were going to eat either. Inactions have consequences.

Not this. Don’t do or even believe this.

I really feel for mums, kids so often seem to do an absolute number on you all. Next birthday for each of them (or Christmas, whichever comes first) do nothing. No-thing. I know I’ll get flamed by people saying oh but, darling children, setting an example of forgiveness, it’s so hard blah blah blah but actually it’s the right thing to do even if it IS hard. The life lesson is that you get out what you put in. These two are, by any objective measure, assholes. If they grow out of it, great, start mirroring their improved behaviour. Spend your money on a couple of sessions with a good therapist instead, who will kindly show you that you have nothing to atone for. These are nasty teenagers, not your hair shirt. Big hugs,

I voted YABU because you kept putting yourself last !!! And saying you'll show them love as much as usual tomorrow - no! You need to get real with them and tell them they're selfish and need to start appreciating all you do. Of course teens are annoying and selfish but you need to pull them up on it every time especially with no other parent in the house as back up. They sound terribly entitled and it's not goof, they have to work to maintain relationships and friendships and bday presents are part of that. X

As lots of people have suggested, go out somewhere nice, spoil yourself. When it is their birthday do exactly what they do for yours. This is the only way that they will learn.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday OP,

Mine ate younger than yours, but I went to a party on my birthday this year without them. It was a coincidence, someone had a really fancy leaving party, but it was liberating, no moaning etc. I put on my glam rags and got out of there, definitely do your thing from now on, it's the way to go. I'm sorry that they are so rude to you, actions in this case will speak louder than words.

Sit down and bloody tell them @canarywharfs. And cry if you want. They need bloody told.

I ditched my similarly aged teens to go dancing in a field without them this bank hol weekend. It did me a lot of good to exist as a person beyond motherhood. Every experience and indeed expenditure doesn’t have to include them (especially when I was being a bit wild and embarrassing).

I'm so sorry.
I send you love and best birthday wishes for tomorrow.

Have you also let them get away with too much to try to make up for their dad being shit? I can't imagine my son being so selfish to not even wish me a happy birthday 😖

(Yes, I know teenagers are selfish, and my son may turn out the same, but I was a selfish teenager and I always wrote my mum a birthday card, said happy birthday, and made her a cup of tea when I got up)

Great plan. Hope you have a wonderful day 🎂

What an incredible step mum. But the kids aren’t lovely actually. Lovely kids think about their mum and learn the lessons taught by their fantastic step mum.