colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

YABU not to tell us what the secret is.

I don't fully understand what happened? Did she confide in you and then you told your husband?

Well how did the conversation with your husband even start? Did he randomly come up to you and say “ooh I think cuz secret is going on”

You must have been at least discussing it and telling him something was wrong?

And yes you are being unreasonable she’s going through a hard time and is very down. You’re now making it all about you feeling annoyed. You don’t sound like a good friend.

Depends what the issue is, and how obvious it is

Some people think it’s normal to divulge everything to their husband. These kind of things however I keep to myself unless I have express permission for my husband to be told or he actually needs to know. I suspect you had quite a low threshold for telling him everything.

Yes you’re being unreasonable. Why did you even tell your husband a small bit of info about it which led to him guessing correctly. You shouldn’t have said anything to him.

Come on he obviously didn't just guess

If I understand the OP correctly, it's more an impression that DH got, nothing the OP shared with him.

Why is your title that your colleague has ‘overshared’? Presumably she confided in you, as a friend? She didn’t ’overshare’. She just expected confidentiality.

Some people just have to run to their husbands and tell them everything.

It is unreasonable of her to expect you not to tell your husband, I would tell mine.

However I would also lie and tell her you hadn't told him 🤷

It shouldn’t have been up for discussion with your DH to guess! Why did you even tell her he knew?

But your husband did not know, he guessed.

Why does she not see that?

YABU because you blabbed to your DH and when asked if you had blabbed, said yes.

You should have said nothing to your DH, or if you did tell, you should not have confirmed this to your friend. You are clearly incapable of keeping a secret secret.

Well she has been accused of telling her husband something which she did not do....so I'd be annoyed too.

How does she know what your husband thinks he knows? Did he then go on to directly speak to her about it?

If so that's overstepping. And if not it must've been because you told her. And I don't see why you would. She would obviously assume you told him if she didn't.

But just tell her again you promise you did not tell him. He guessed and neither of you meant to pry or upset her in any way. And that you'll both keep your noses out from now on. Unless she actually wants support.

Her DH is gay?

Well I'm glad you said it 😂

Exactly how I understood it.

Why would you tell your husband?

I tell DH everything. Was it something bad?

OP confirmed, which means she told him.

If someone comes to me and says "I think so and so is having an affair..." I'll reply "Really? I haven't heard of it, who knows? " and change topic. I would not say "well, since you 'guessed', let me tell you all about it..."

If you confirmed his guess one way or another, then you were out of line. Why not just say "Not my place to say one way or another" and leave it be?

Unless it was something that had the potential to ruin a marriage I would tell my husband. We tell each other everything pretty much, and my best friends know that. (Though they do know that if they specifically asked me not to tell him about something I would honour it).

However, YABU to be annoyed with her. She’s pissed off that you’ve blabbed because she obviously thought you would keep it to yourself. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to mad with you. Just apologise.

Well you’ve been gossiping about her between the two of you for him to have guessed, otherwise you wouldn’t have known that he had ‘guessed’ and presumably she asked you if he knew because of something he did/said the last time you all socialised. She sounds fairly bereft and thought she was talking to you in complete confidence. If you are the type to share everything with your partner then the best thing to do would be to divulge this before you let her confide in you. You’ve turned this around as her oversharing but it sounds more like she’s trusted someone with information that she shouldn’t have. Maybe she should have been more explicit that she didn’t want to be spoken about behind her back, maybe you should have been more explicit that you would talk about it with your partner. 50 of one, half a dozen of the other.

Of course you'd be unreasonable to be annoyed with her!