colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

There are plenty of people that agree with me. We can agree we disagree.

It is pathetic.

My husband of 30 years and I have a strong, loving and secure marriage. We trust each other’s decision-making and I would respect my husband for not divulging his friend’s personal secret to me.

So? I wouldn’t hide something from my husband
So do you tell your husband every single bit of your conversations?
You cant possibly nobody surely has enough time in the day, but you are happy to share someone's personal details that could make them vulnerable.
Shame on you.

I'm voting you are being unreasonable, as you should not disclose the information to your husband if he has not learnt the art of being discreet.

Do your friends know you can’t be trusted to keep their secret? You should probably let them know, so they can choose whether to tell you things or not.

In that situation, I would have lied to your colleague.

But things must be pretty bad if someone outside your workplace could see how things were with your colleague & her DH.

Me too. It appalls me that so many women refuse to keep their friends' confidences, because 'i don't keep secrets from my husband'.

It's pathetic and they're all lying to their friends, just so that they can have an excuse to gossip with their DH. There's absolutely no other reason that makes sense. It's highly unlikely that their DH is remotely interested in their colleague's/friend's troubles anyway. And if it's some self imposed loyalty pact, it's ridiculous.

It's discovering this about most women that's almost stopped me confiding in our sharing with anyone. I choose who I can trust, and if I trusted their DH I'd tell them both. If I've just told you, and asked you not to tell anyone, then you should damn well stick to it. You don't owe your husband my confidences.

Your poor colleague. Like many would have, she assumed a higher bar of discretion and integrity than you were able to offer.

I don't understand spouses who tell the other things which were not meant to be shared just because "Well, I tell DH everything!" It just seems so... incontinent.

I've known DP for half my life, I know there are things his friends and family have told him which he will take to the grave, and which he would never share with me. It's one of his good points -I'd lose respect for him if I thought he was talkative in that way, and I'm an open, chatty, sociable person. I know he thinks the same of me.

Imagining a lot of DHs just sat there like 😶while their information sharing wife chunners on about Vals blokes awful prostate exam, and how Susan has fell out with her MIL again and Tara has started drinking more than one glass of wine a night 😂😂😂

Remember, no secrets! 😂

Op if her husband is gay surely you can see how difficult this is for her. A million thoughts…my marriage is a sham/ can I tolerate an open marriage/ what about my dc/ how would I have not known/ this is why sex has been low. I mean you’re annoyed with a colleague who chose you to confide in something she is emotionally burdened with?

so I have a few life rules which I often quote…

they are on a need to know basis and they do not need to know

we we don’t out people. They out
themselves only. Not limited to sexual
preference
I am a very good information kept private keeper. Secret is just a word. It’s known i’m a good secret keeper. I’m keeping 3 right now. Eventually they will be revealed and then I will act like it’s new news to me.

secret keeping is a skill I worked at. It’s not my natural way as I love discussing anything and everything. Interestingly I learned it from my unmarried great aunt who was told a lot of marriage secrets because she was a wonderful listener and good advice giver My mother was also a good secret keeper
but aunt Irma was the OG.

work on being more reliable and worthy of a confidential revelation It’s a great friend who keeps a secret

disclaimer…no vulnerable people harmed by my secret keeping

This 😂😂

She shouldn't tell him AT ALL! You're actually suggesting that you she only tells him if he lies about it? And since she will have broken a confidence, how can she expect him to keep one?

This is absolutely ridiculous.

The number of times I've heard "well I only told X and s/he promised to keep it confidential"... Well so did you, and look what you did!

If your husband guessed so easily, then she's not hiding it very well. That's something for her to think about. Once he'd figured it out, you could hardly have lied to his face and denied it when you knew it was true.

Imagining a lot of DHs just sat there like 😶while their information sharing wife chunners on about Vals blokes awful prostate exam, and how Susan has fell out with her MIL again and Tara has started drinking more than one glass of wine a night 😂😂😂
Remember, no secrets! 😂

Exactly!
But I bet its more like I said on my post, they only share the personal gossip stuff.

The relationship is doomed if the husband is gay. I've seen it in three couples we knew. The husband did a runner with a new lover in every case.

I disagree. You cannot possibly know that he won't tell anyone.

He didn't independently guess at all. She said there was a problem, but didn't say what it was, so he started making guesses, and guessed right. Then he had the temerity and audacity to charge in and tell the OP's friend that he knew her little secret.

Yep, at the end of each day I'd know any number of things about my colleagues. Jo's dislike of broccoli; Sue's kids struggling at school, Ben had got a nasty rash. But I didn't tell my husband this things because why would I ? I wasn't lying by omission. And if one of the things I was told was a confidence, it also wouldn't involve lying by omission and I'd file it away without even a thought of revealing it to my DH over dinner.

But apparently I'm wrong. Juicy gossip is in a class of its own and not passing it on is 'lying'.
Is it bollocks.

Yep, this. ^

DH "blimey, Kate's housemate doesn't half look gay"

OP "he does look effeminate doesn't he?Wouldn't be my type"

Sorted. Not breaking a confidence. Not lying

100% agree @saraclara 👏

Yes. I doubt they’re telling their husbands about the size, colour and consistency of their latest shit.

No, that's not what's in the OP's posts (albeit she hasn't provided much info at all).

Colleague confided in her.

Her husband knew colleague and colleague's husband were having issues - OP does not tell us how he knew. Colleague's husband may have told him, someone else may have told him.

He guessed the issue correctly and then OP confirmed.

And how, exactly, did the OP know this woman and her partner, were 'having issues?'

.

Ok, so he’s gay, that’s the only suggestion that has been made on here.

In that case perhaps it was blindingly obvious, so no wonder he guessed.

I thought most people shared things with their dh anyway, and that it’s pretty normal.