colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

Why is this entire thread about people who don't keep secrets and tell their partners things?

OP didn't tell her husband anything. He independently guessed. At that point confirming he guessed right isn't betraying anyone's confidence, and far less weird than going through a "ooh well I know but I can't tell you if you know" rigmarole with your own spouse unto eternity.

I hated it when I found out that a couple of my friends would tell their husbands everything we talked about after a night out! I’m not close with them any more.

To me, unless you have express permission, you don’t share stuff you’re told even with your husband!!

She obviously won’t believe that he “just guessed” I don’t think I do either frankly.

She didn’t overshare - you did!

And now you’re getting the hump about being caught out. You’re not a good friend or colleague.

I wouldn’t keep anything from my husband. He’s my partner, there are no secrets.

It’s NOT unreasonable! The woman told OP only, if she wanted to tell her DH too she would have said so!

Urgh I hate this attitude. How can you ever have a proper friendship, knowing someone is running home to tell her husband all the chat?

But it wouldn’t be your secret you were telling him, it would be your friend’s secret.

First person I go to with gossip

and he is the least interested 😂

So she is sensitive about you sharing her secrets with just one person and your response is to share the situation with the whole of MN?!?! Do you think that is reasonable @nearlyemptynes ?

I know it is anonymously done, but loads of people would still find it mortifying

why did you tell her he 'guessed'? That will make her more insecure.

Ha ha same.

tbh I always assume that if I’ve told one person who is married then their spouse will know too

i was once fuming when I had confided in a friend about something incredibly personal and sensitive (and anyone would know it was) and her DH brought it up as a joke in a public place later. But that just reminded me to be more careful about who I actually confide in… if they have a dickhead partner maybe keep it to yourself entirely

Neither do I, when they’re my secrets. I keep other people’s secrets though, because they’re not mine to tell.
I have friends who tell their husband’s everything, so I don’t tell them anything. How do I know I can trust their husband not to blab?

how is a husband guessing something "telling him"?

So you admitted that you and DH were gossiping about them?

Why not when she asked if DH knew, you not say you don’t know as it’s not something you would discuss. That you feel it is quite obvious but DH isn’t the type to gossip.

Is it just me who finds it really pathetic how many people tell their DPs secrets.

I’m guessing these posters don’t have many friends.

If the OP and her husband have socialised with the OP's colleague and her husband, then the OP's husband has eyes and ears himself!! OP's husband probably guessed at some point the husband is possibly gay (it can be obvious!) and then discovers the couple are having relationship issues! It's not going to take a genius to figure out why!! The OP then confirms her husband's thought process.

When your colleague asked if your husband knew, you should have told a 'white lie' and said No. There was really no reason to be honest with her, as it wouldn't have achieved anything (and hasn't!). You shouldn't have confirmed to your husband that he is correct, your colleague confided in you, she didn't 'overshare'.

I would be inclined to reiterate that your husband guessed and you didn't tell him, but neither did you tell him he is wrong. Apologise and tell her that your husband won't tell anyone else.

You should never had told your husband.
Your workfriend is right to be annoyed with you.

Incidentally I thought the gay husband on Mumsnet was an urban legend - you mean, it's actually true?

So the DH is obviously as camp as Christmas and anyone can tell or OPs DH has exceptionally good gaydar which might lead one to wonder...

Either/Or

It's quite ironic when you call yourselves trusting when you can't even keep other peoples secrets from each other.

There are just certain things that you should not share with a living soul if it isn't yours to share. My friend's DD for example was raped in the park one night, my friend was naturally distraught and her DD was embarassed and shocked, there was not a cat's chance in hell that I would go and tell anyone their business. My friend needed someone she trusted to speak to about it, she would have been completely heartbroken if I had spread that to anyone, regardless of how much I trusted them.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable if your DH mentioned it first and you then confirmed it.

I agree. I tell my husband everything. Apart from my friends secrets.

So? I wouldn’t hide something from my husband.

Surely it’s all going to come “out” eventually?!?

Surely it’s all going to come “out” eventually?!?

Exactly.

‘I tell my husband everything’ aka ‘I am not a person who can be trusted with my friends’ confidences’.

Is it just me who finds it really pathetic how many people tell their DPs secrets.
Not just you.

I find it weird that people tell their partners 'everything'
When some peoplechave been catching up with friends it"s only the gossip secrets they share. They don't say ' well Mary was telling me that Tesco had run out of ham and she had to have a chicken sandwich for work instead', no, never the mundane, everyday stuff isnt shared!

If they told their partners every bit of the conversation a, partners would be bored to death and b, you could be there all night. Funny its only the private stuff that gets shared.

A colleague was upset because she told her partner her friend's confidential info. It was about an abortion a friend had and was really scared and vulnerable. The friend hadn't told another person. Colleague told her partner. They split up soon after this as the relationshipwas on the rocks . The partner told everyone he could about her friend's information to be nasty to colleague.
It was devastating for her friend. When colleague told me this I said why on earth did you tell him. She said' well that's what you do"
I told her my view is that it wasn't her information to share, her friend had trusted her when she was at her lowest point and had no one else to turn to turn to, not everyone needs to know everything and there was no benefit to him knowing. The ex didnt even know the woman, only by sight.

After I've been out with my friends Dh asks how I've got on and have I had a good catch up. ( and then carries on watching TV!!)
It goes two ways, Im 100% certain that dh doesn't tell me everything about his convoy with his friends.

In fact stuff has come to light months later about one of his friends that dh has known about but not shared because quite frankly it wasn't my buisness to know.

It’s not ‘hiding’ it from him. It’s none of his business.