colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

ok i admit it i shouldnt have told him / told him he was right in his guess.

No one has the right to come between husbands and wives

Your dramatic equating this to keeping a friend’s confidence is very strange indeed.

It's not lying by omission if you say "I'm not able to confirm or deny". It's crazy you would consider any form of information control "lying by omission".

I am sure none of these ladies who are verbally incontinent when it comes to their husbands tell them that they have farted 8 times today or that their haemorrhoids are playing up. It's just the juicy gossip about their friends their husbands apparently need to know.

Yes, you could even say “she asked me not to say”

Well I think you are unreasonable to describe this as a colleague oversharing. I imagine she thought she was confiding in you as a friend.

I don’t actually think it was particularly unreasonable to confirm to your husband when he guessed correctly, but I can’t imagine how you got onto the topic in the first place without it being a bit gossipy.

Exactly, I’m friends with the woman, and often not close at all with her DH! I used to expect confidentiality as a given, but I’ve been burned and realise now the “I tell my husband everything” types are far more common than I thought.

Yep!

I hope you let all your friends know that! So they can decide if they want to tell you anything.

You sound like a fart and arsehole obsessed weirdo who doesn't understand basic concepts and loves slithering around hiding things from her husband.

I. Get. To. Decide. What. I. Tell. My. Husband. Not. You. And. Not. Anybody. Else.

There you go, simplified it for you. YW.

If you want someone to keep your grubby secrets don't flap your gums first - ask them "Will you keep a secret?" I will then answer - maybe, maybe not, depends. And at that point you can shut up or roll the dice. It is just not that complicated.

I decide what to tell my husband. Not you.

It's not up to you what I tell my husband. It's not up to you what other people tell their husbands. Just because you have an unhealthy relationship where you hide things from your husband doesn't mean anyone else has to do so, to please you.

Live with it.

Women who don't slither around hiding things from their husbands just because it suits you are in the majority, yes.

It's not your decision what other people tell their husbands. Stop flapping your gums and then demanding people carry your grubby secrets for you. Ask first, always. I don't keep grubby secrets for grubby people.

Don't demand people keep your grubby secrets, behave better and you won't have to stress out so much about people finding out what you do. And if you want someone to keep your grubby secret, ask first, don't just flap your gums and then shriek when they don't comply with your demand.

It's just not that complicated. It's not your choice whether someone tells their husband anything at all and it's not your place to demand that. Ask. First.

I get that honesty and being straightforward is a new concept to some of the more slithery commenters on the thread. But tough shit, it's not your place to decide what other people tell their husbands.

You sound like a fart and arsehole obsessed weirdo who doesn't understand basic concepts and loves slithering around hiding things from her husband

How very mature that sounds.

I am an independent fully autonomous human.

i love and respect my husband, but we are not a “package” how very bizarre.

we have different interests, jobs, friend groups, clothing styles, even mildly different political views.

Yes, but that just means you can't be trusted. If that's the person you want to be then fine, but at least tell your friends that nothing they tell you stays with you. Everything is shared.

Exactly.

but I don’t think we will ever get them to understand our position on this.

Wow so angry 🤣 hit a nerve have we?

Grubby slithering? Sounds like we are in Hogwarts 🤣

It's not up to you what I tell my husband. It's not up to you what other people tell their husbands. Just because you have an unhealthy relationship where you hide things from your husband doesn't mean anyone else has to do so, to please you

Sandra at work shit her pants in a staff meeting, if I don't tell my husband about it am I really hiding things from him or am I simply just not saying anything about it?
You can tell the difference between those two things can't you?

You don’t sound like the sort of person people tell their secrets to anyway to be honest 😳. You’re hardly dripping in kindness and empathy.

If you want someone to keep your grubby secrets don't flap your gums first - ask them "Will you keep a secret?" I will then answer - maybe, maybe not, depends. And at that point you can shut up or roll the dice. It is just not that complicated

Why is something told , hopefully in confidence a grubby secret? I mean sure some can if someone is having an affair or something but that's not what I've encountered over the years in my friendship group.
Ive been party to a friend suffering domestic and financial abuse.
Another friend had a child who had severe mental health issues and had badly self harmed.
Another friend was scammed out of £000's and was so ashamed she let her guard down.

All these things came out eventually but I was told in confidence while they prossesing what to do and where to get support.

For the first one and third dh had only met the friends briefly at that point. He didnt need to know their life story. They were ashamed and embarrassed by their situation. Why would I make them feel worse by gossiping about it. There's nothing dh could do about it anyway.

Sandra at work shit her pants in a staff meeting, if I don't tell my husband about it am I really hiding things from him or am I simply just not saying anything about it?

Was out with 3 other couples when one of my friends got up quickly and rushed to the loo without saying anything. I followed and she'd had a flood unexpectedly and was in a bit of a mess. She asked me to tell the others she had a sudden migraine (which she gets regularly) and get her husband to run her home.
He did, and he stayed home with her. I told the others she had a migraine.
When we got home it wasn't mentioned again. I didn't tell my husband that my friend had to go home because her pants and trousers were stained with blood.

Should I have? Am I keeping slithery secrets from him? Or am I just keeping my friend's confidence, and protecting her dignity? I really don't see why this would be a 'secret' I needed to share with anyone. Not if I want to be a trustworthy friend, anyway.

It is pretty hard to keep a secret that someone has guessed. Mostly they will know by your reaction anyway. The colleague must have realised it was pretty obvious also.

I know, Jesus Christ. “Grubby secrets” “slithering around”?!

A woman told her that her husband had come out to her as gay. That’s an extremely personal and devastating thing she’s going through and I don’t get how having some restraint in who you go blabbing to is slithering or how this woman’s trauma is a grubby secret.