colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

You were wrong to confirm.

Completely agree. It'd be a massive breach of confidence to tell your husband something that a friend told you. When I talk about private things to friends, we all know that it's to be kept between us. None of us think it necessary to say, "Please don't tell Jim." It would never occur to me to tell him - and this has nothing to do with whether or not you consider your husband your "best friend."

I don't share secrets with my husband.
Not so much because I'm honourable, but because he can't be trusted to remember what's secret and what isn't

I dont share friends secrets with my DP because I'm not 8 years old.

Same. It’s embarrassing.

If I tell a friend who is in a relationship anything, I assume they may tell their OH. If she wanted to be certain your husband wouldn't know, she shouldn't have told you. If her husband is gay and your husband guessed it, it's probably fairly obvious to him!

To be honest I don’t tell friends who tell their husbands everything any of my business anymore … if I wanted their husband to know I’d have told them.

It is unreasonable of her to expect you not to tell your husband, I would tell mine

I can't understand this at all. It's not her secret/confidence to tell. It doesn't affect her husband and it's not about him. It's not his business in any way.
I certainly wouldn't break the trust of a friend.

Why would they need to share your secrets?

It wouldn’t impact their relationship in the slightest.

It does sound suspicious. You probably dropped hints so your husband could ‘guess’ and you could talk about it.

Otherwise if you wanted to keep her secret, you would have just kept quiet with your husband.

So this is a thread because you are annoyed because she is annoyed?

DH recently had similar situation. I guessed. DH would not confirm as did not want to break trust. I agreed with him as I did not want the burden of pretending not to know when we socialised. So I would say YABU.

Because we don't keep secrets from each other. Or lie by omission

Secrets from each other about each other, that would apply to.
Lying on your own account or omitting to tell a dh something about yourself, is what this applies to.

This secret is someone else's and none of his business.

My guess is
the husband is a camp as they come and OP’s DH jump to an obvious conclusion

Well I always do go through life with the mantra 'don't tell anyone ANYthing you wouldn't want anyone else to hear' but you shouldn't be telling your husband someone else's secret. You say he 'guessed' the problem, but you should not have even said there was a problem...

My DH tells me all the gossip from people from work, and is a right little gossip himself. I never tell him anything my friends tell me, OR my adult DC, because DH can't keep his mouth shut. He just loves gossip and drama.

If he finds out things that I already knew he is like 'why didn't you tell me?' I just say 'not my secret or news to share, it's someone else's.' He thinks because he tells ME everything/everyone's secrets and gossip, that I should tell too. But I don't, and I won't.

As has been said, you don't sound like a good friend @nearlyemptynes and your husband sounds useless, telling her he knew the 'secret!' Did it make him feel special and clever telling her he knew?!

I am seriously judging the 'I tell my husband everything' posters

Quite. Definitely not the confidences of other people.

Don't tell a secret unless you are fully prepared for everyone to know it. Once you share it with another person, it becomes information they might pass along.

I think it IS normal to divulge everything to your husband. In the knowledge that it goes no further - and I don't mean in the way you might say it in a friendship group, where you know it'll leak, but I mean it DEFINITELY will go no further.

Me and DP know loads of things about each other's friends. Neither of us have ever blabbed to anyone outside of these 4 walls, and nor would we.

We do not keep secrets from each other, not even other people's secrets, but equally we can keep our mouths shut.

EDIT: If someone asks me not to tell anyone before they tell me something, I'll say but I always tell DP everything, as he does me, and it goes no further, and there has not been one single occasion where anyone has then not told me because of that.

I disagree. We have been married for almost 30 years and have a very good relationship. But if a good friend asked me to keep something secret, I would not feel the urge to run and tell my husband. Not unless he needed to know. I don’t see the need to automatically share friends’ confidences with my husband. Not at all. Is it really that hard to keep it to yourself?

What I said! I never tell anyone ANYthing I don't want anyone else to hear.

Yes. People share a lot with me. Partly because of my job in mental health but partly because they know without asking that I won’t go running to my husband or anyone to share their secrets.

Why would you be pissed off either her? She’s going through a tough time so isn’t at her best.

If she told you in confidence then you really should not have discussed it with anyone else, not even your husband. When he mentioned that he thought something was amiss you should have shut the conversation down and told h8m you weren’t discussing it! No wonder the work colleagues is annoyed, she has every right to be!

Well there seems to be an element of gossipy "you'll never guess what work colleague just told me?" Whether he guessed or was actually told, i can't imagine having a conversation with the colleague revealing that the husband had guessed, no wonder she is pissed off, its obvious you've been enjoying picking over her relationship woes (that she should have kept to herself).

I agree.

It’s using a friend’s secret for gossip and entertainment - it might be to a limited audience but that’s what it is.