colleague has overshared and is now embarrassed

[nearlyemptynes]

A colleague at work has been very down and she confided in me the reasons why which are to do with her husband and relationship. My husband and I have been out with them socially and my DH guessed what the problem is. She asked me if he knew and i said yes and explained he had guessed. She is now fuming that I didn't keep her secret as she says it is not my secret to share. I did not knowingly share- mu husband guessed. She is being v difficult with me. AIBU to be annoyed with her.

@TheDenimPoet You cannot possibly know that your husband is not sharing things with other people. You only have his word for it. My DH has told me things that a close friend confided to him about - and said they begged him not to tell anyone, but he told me! So DH does blab. As I said, he's a gossip and he loves drama. His friend at work thinks he is trustworthy and true and is confident DH won't blab, but he always tells me EVERYthing. I don't do the same. Not when it's someone else's secret,,,

Never assume your DH won't blab to someone else...

.

Well, if the secret is that he's gay, I'm guessing it won't stay a secret much longer, unless he's not planning to start seeing men when they split. You shouldn't have confirmed it, still, but I'm surprised she has the energy to be upset with you when she has something this serious upending her life.

Gosh, I hope all your friends know this about you and don't confide in you at all. You would lie?

Sorry but I don't keep secrets from my husband!!

Where is that written?
Or have you just made that up and decided its fact?

But how does OP know what her husband thought if she wasn't discussing her colleague's business with him?

@nearlyemptynes I'm glad you refer to this person as your colleague and don't have the gall to call her your friend.

They were out socially as couples and husband guessed.
Some people are just good at reading others.

If a friend told you she was, for instance, having issues of a gynaecological nature, would you run home and tell your husband? Would you think that was any of his business?
How would it in any way be keeping a secret from your husband?
It smacks to me of having nothing better to talk to him about, so you gossip about your friends.

Sorry but I don't keep secrets from my husband!!

It's not a secret that could affect your relationship.
Not breaking a confidence does not equate to keeping secrets from your spouse.

Come off it! She was clearly discussing it with him. How else would she know what he thought? She might have not actually told him (because he had already guessed) but it's clear the intention was there.

Even if your husband is independently friends with the person you're talking about? Because that's just gossiping and would be the end of a friendship for me.

yes this
Husband "is everything ok between x and y"
Wife "so far as I know, why do you ask"
Husband "well he just seemed a bit....not like himself tonight....I mean I know this is a leap but have you ever wondered if he was gay?"

Then separately wife asks if OP's husband knows and she quite honestly said he had guessed.

this if course assumes that Y is gay and its not something else....same principle though.

I don't think it's wrong to have told your husband... he is your husband for goodness sake.
If I tell a colleague/friend something I kind of assume they might tell their partner.

It is unreasonable of her to expect you not to tell your husband, I would tell mine.
Im glad im not your friend!

Depends - if he actually just knew and had deduced it from going out with them socially then it’s not really your fault. I mean say the bloke is an alcoholic, you can (in my experience) work that out for yourself after spending some time with someone.

If he guessed as in he said a few random things and you confirmed one then that’s worse.

EDIT: damn I read this as he’s an alcoholic but I supposed gay also makes sense. Poor woman. You can change one but not the other.

No, I wouldn't tell him that because it wouldn't interest him. But if it was something about our mutual friends that might have repercussions yes I would tell him in confidence.

People here who believe that their friends don't tell their spouses most things are very naive.

So he’s either gay or having an affair as they’re the only multiple guesses. I can imagine ways in which either thing might spring to mind having spent time with him. She obviously would have expected you to keep the facts to yourself/not confirm the guess/not bring up the fact that they’re having relationship issues for him to guess at. I don’t think that’s unreasonable of her.

Reading between the lines, she’s probably embarrassed and angry that it was so easy for your DH to guess, and she’s taking it out on you. Nothing you can do really. Live and learn - most people don’t want their relationship issues broadcasting to the whole neighbourhood/everyone they socialise with.

Not even other peoples.......?

There are some that do and some that don’t. I wouldn’t tell my DSis anything I didn’t want the world to know. But if she told me something I would keep it secret. We’ve always been that way, and I can see the same tendency in my own kids (one can, one can’t keep a secret).

This. ^ I find blabbing your friends and colleagues private affairs and secrets to your husband really bizarre. I hate it when my DH tells me something Dave from work has confided in him. I think 'and why do I need to know that exactly?!

If I know something. So does my husband. And vice versa. This goes for work/friends/family etc.

However. We also both know that if we’re not meant to have told each other we would never let on that we have.

I sort of assume that’s how most (trusting) couples are and it’s just an unspoken thing.

The unreasonable is that your friend knows your husband knows.

Don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say people needed to share my secrets, I said I assumed it was a possibility.

Yes I can possibly know he wouldn’t share things.

I’m MARRIED to him. We share our entire lives and have done for 20 years.

Of everyone on the planet he is the single human who I know anything I tell he won’t share. And vice versa.

I get that everyone’s relationships are different, but I know what my marriage is like and what I can expect of my husband.

You seem to be completely lacking in empathy. Poor women is probably going through hell. You didn’t keep her secret, you told her you didn’t and now you’re annoyed. Anyone with an ounce of empathy or common sense would realise how hard this must be for her and would be discreet and sensitive. I hope you’re never in mind of a trustworthy friend.

I would naturally assume that husbands and wives tell each other most things. However, OP, I think you are being ungracious not to understand that this is awkward and upsetting. You don't sound very sympathetic to her feelings.