AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

I can't fathom that you are actually married and you treat him like an unrelated lodger.
Most people would at the very least split expenses by ratio of income, though most couples I know the higher income subsides the lower income.

If you are married, why don't you have shared finances?

I'd absolutely help my DH out to attend a holiday if his financial situation is genuine. Like having a lower income or a bout of unemployment. I would not pay if he prioritised an expensive hobby or car lease or going out regularly with the lads.

How can you live this way? Seriously.

If my married friends told me this story I would be 🤨😮

I can’t imagine doing something without my DH because he ‘couldn’t afford it’.

You’re married.

I should clarify my financial situation is marginally better after a period of unemployment myself earlier this year. I have some savings for holidays but certainly not enough to pay for 2 ski holidays, sadly.

Also we are both been happy with our separate finances up til this point. We split things proportionally, not 50:50, but how he chooses to save/invest/spend his leftover money is his business.

I could not do this as marriage means sharing.
We actually have separate finances but share costs such as holidays and what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.
I wouldn’t feel right going without DH.

If it's his business how he spends his money, you should begrudge him wanting to spend it on ski trip rather than your couples holiday

DH and I have separate finances, and I’m currently the main earner; but ultimately whilst I have a jolly good time enjoying my money, that’s also enjoying “us” - I wouldn’t leave him behind to go on a longstanding group trip, or make it a choice between that and a holiday for the two of us: I’d see both as very much something which I’d cover because we’re a couple and that’s how it works.

Marriage is a long haul trip. There are going to be times where you each rely on the other in some way. Now might be he on you financially; in the future it may be you on him either financially or emotionally. Being so divided isn’t going to work.

I'm confused...which is the group trip? The skiing? So if he can't afford the long distance couple holiday AND the group skiing holiday, he would prefer the group skiing holiday?

Oof @Catza. Gooooood point 👏

I agree with others. How bizarre to be married and not share finances.

Can you afford to help him out or pay for one of the holidays?

i don’t understand marriages where couples don’t help eachother out or share finances when needed

He can’t tell you not to go no and yes it’s shitty he will back out rhe couple trip to do this and get into debt to do so, I couldn’t be married to someone like that, how shitty of him.

This couple clearly never said the “for richer, for poorer” part of the marriage vows.

To have this level of split finances is unusual. Certainly the law wouldn’t see it this way - if he takes on debt, it’s yours too if you were to separate. I think you need a re-think of how you do your finances.

There's no way I would go on a holiday alone that my DH wants to go on but can't afford. As I wouldn't do it, I'd be really upset if he would do that to me. Do you resent him being the lower earner? I could understand feeling that way but I couldn't understand someone entering in to a marriage knowing that would being an issue.

If he can’t afford it and you can’t afford it for both of you then as a couple you can’t afford it.

although tbh it sounds like as a couple you can afford either the ski trip or the long haul holiday but not both.

I wouldn’t say that’s an unusual problem to have…

You are not being unreasonable to go skiiing without him if he has spent his money on other things rather than saving for the ski holiday.

He is not being unreasonable to prioritise the ski trip over your long haul holiday.

Why do you think you can dictate how he spends his disposable income?

If you’d be happy to go on the ski trip without him, even though he can’t afford it and would feel sad to miss out, I don’t think you can be annoyed if he chooses the ski trip over the couple trip. Ultimately you are both just choosing what you do with your own money regardless of the impact on the other one, as that’s how your relationship works. To me that’s a bizarre way for a marriage to work but it seems you’re happy with that model?

Personally I always think separate finances in a marriage is just papering over serious financial disagreements - usually very different attitudes to saving vs spending. The problem always reemerges eventually though, when one person can afford something like a holiday or house move and the other can’t due to frittering. What couples really need to do IMO is face the fact they have different financial attitudes and this is likely to cause problems, and come up with shared and agreed rules about spending and saving. Easier said than done I know.

It sounds as if he can afford one holiday but not two and would rather go on the group ski trip than your couples holiday? Why not do that? Put off your long haul fortnight for another year.

If this is how you do things and there are items he has chosen to spend money on while you have chosen to save, I think you have every right to go and he's being a dog in the manger about it.

I don't know about the other part of it.

I think people are being a bit unfair. You've obviously decided not to share finances, so your spare cash is yours. I'd be really annoyed if my savings went towards my prioritising of holidays and he spent his monthly on Lego/attending golf/cross stitching or whatever and then moaned when I'd not done all of those things but he didn't want me to spend my own savings on something I prioritise.

If it's more a case of he lives hand to mouth every month and genuinely has no fun money, then helping him out may work, but it sounds like he's just spending his money elsewhere and then being upset Op wants to spend hers as she sees fit.

I genuinely can’t imagine married people making separate decisions about holidays and the finances for them.

I think you’re being mean.

If you're insistent on seperate finances, which suit you as the higher earner, then it's completely up to him what he spends his money on. He can choose the long haul trip, the skiing trip or to holiday completely alone.

I can never live like this. It’s like a transactional marriage. If he only has money for 1 holiday and chooses to spend it on the ski trip because he does not want to be left out then so be it. You can’t expect him to fund 2 holidays he can’t afford and you can’t dictate which one he chooses to prioritise and spend his money on