AIBU to go on the trip without my husband if he can’t afford it?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My husband and I have a long standing group skiing trip with our school friends, every February. This year has been hard financially, particularly for my DH, who is in a low paid job and has little disposable income. He has a little bit of debt and no savings. My financial position is slightly better, and I have always prioritised holidays as a use of my disposable income, unlike my DH.

We have no children and have always had separate finances. Obviously we help each other out where we can.

Our ‘plan’ for next year was a 2 week long haul holiday sometime in Spring. We will have no significant plans prior to this due to DHs finances. I have savings to cover my half of this set aside.

Upon discussing the ski trip today, my DH expressed disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to afford to go, although he wanted to try and ‘make it work’ and would consider going into further debt to make it happen. When questioned about the knock on effect to our planned trip, he stated he would rather go on this group trip than our couples holiday. He also stated he would be ‘irritated’ if I went on the ski trip without him, which I was not significantly considering (for financial reasons), but I don’t think is his right to decide on my behalf. (It’s worth mentioning I attended this trip alone several times before DH and I were serious, and other solo friends attend).

AIBU to be annoyed he would prioritise a group trip he can barely afford, get into further debt OR tell me if he can’t go, I can’t go?

This in spades. ^ Imagine if this was a man treating his wife like this. 'I am going on a ski-ing trip but my wife can't afford it, so she can stay at home.' This place would be in uproar.

Being married and keeping all your income to yourself, and not helping your lower spouse who is a lower earner/has less savings is a disgusting way to behave.

You don't care for him very much do you @Darknightsdarkmoods ?

As the poster I quoted said you're treating him like an unrelated lodger.

I could not live like this. Marriage is a partnership. You sound like strangers sharing the same living space!

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It often makes a lot more sense for a childhood couple to keep finances completely separate.

The amount of "tit for tat" spending and arguing I've seen in couples who share (he bought a new bike/sound system/whatever that he didn't need so I bought myself that designer handbag I didn't need either, and now neither of us can pay for the holiday/mortgage).

This.

I think you should both scrub 'round the group holiday. Him because he can't afford it (and sensibly recognized and expressed that), you because it would be a bit tone deaf and as you are only "marginally better" off because you might be better off saving the money too.

No, he wouldn't tell you that but if you had loved together first you might have seen what he was like

I get it - he wastes his money and then wants to use yours that you have carefully saved. Married or not - that is unfair.

I would open a holiday savings account so that you both pay in weekly or monthly.

Me and dh pool finances, he earns more than me. I don't understand how you could let your dh struggle and I would certainly pay for dh to go on holiday with me as that's what couples do and I would want him there with me! Bit of a shit marriage, for him

OP, what would you do if you lost your job, had a serious illness and ended up with a massively reduced income?

This is really bizarre.

But if you were to say to him that 1) he can't prioritise the ski trip over your long haul trip as a couple and 2) you are going to go on the ski trip without him then that would be very unreasonable.

It would however also be a bit unreasonable of him to say that you couldn't go on the ski trip without him, if he was prioritising spending money on the long haul trip.

But honestly, you're married. Unless he has made a decision to spend his money on something else personal to him that then makes the holiday unaffordable, wouldn't you make joint decisions and pool money for holidays?

I don’t see how separate finances avoids this problem, he’ll still buy the bike and she’ll buy the handbag or whatever and they’ll still not be able to afford the holiday. Wouldn’t it be better to have joint finances with agreed spending rules? And if you can’t agree spending rules with your OH then think hard about whether they are a good life partner for you or not.

This. ^ I know a couple in their late 50s, who have been together 20 years - never married because he refuses but are buying a house together. When they're out at the pub or a meal they count out every last penny. 'Well YOUR food came to £19.11, and mine was £18.46, so you owe me 60p!' (Obviously not an accurate amount but an example.)

They are so petty over pennies, (him moreso,) and he tells her if she cranks up the heating she needs to pay more towards the gas bill, so she sits there freezing. She earns less than him (about 40% less,) and he keeps his extra to himself, goes away with a mate and excludes her as she has less money and can't afford to keep up with him.

I actually saw him STEAL a tenner out of her purse once when she went to the bar to get her drink and just took a fiver with her, coz they don't buy rounds together. 'Oh no, your drink costs a pound more than mine, you get your own.'

I was shocked when he stole her tenner. I said 'what are you doing Steve?!' he said 'she owes me this towards some food I got from Aldi on Monday. She's not given it to me yet. Don't tell her I took it!' Sometimes when they're together at the table in the pub she babbles on about how much 'fitter' and more handsome his brother is, and how she wonders if she married the wrong brother.

They're like The Twits honestly. I would rather live alone/be single, than live like this.

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Not everyone lives together before marriage you k ow

What about all.the couples where it's not acceptable for religious or cultural reasons

Why is it bizarre? We've been married for 5 years and don't share finances, and have no intention to. All bills are split equally and for holidays we just put money into a kitty.

Im single but if i was in a long term relationship with someone who earned less and couldn't afford a fun trip i would just pay it. He's probably annoyed by your selfishness. Earning less is not the same as being unemployed or lazy. Id actually delight in being able to treat my partner.

I agree with this poster.

We have mostly separate finances (he was married before, has kids). But OPs sounds a bit mean to be honest.

It's his choice what he spends it on...

What if you can't afford to pay double like the OP

I do find separate finances really odd when couples are married.

If one is totally reckless or has a gambling addiction etc then I understand it more but assuming you both work why don't you just share your income.

But in this situation, your DH isn't wrong for prioritising the skiing holiday over a couples holiday.

He can only afford one holiday and is choosing the one he thinks he'll enjoy more.

You're not prepared to help him out financially so why should he spend his money on the couples holiday if he's rather do skiing.

Sadly this is a consequence of your financial independence - Independence to spend it on what you each choose.

I get this OP, and I have lived similar. I spent thousands paying for now ex so that we could go on holiday as a couple (he never seemed to appreciate this or say thanks for it). Eventually, I got tired of paying for absolutely everything and getting nothing back, so we stopped going on holiday. When our child was born I went away alone with the baby, as he never wanted to come and always claimed 'poor'. (Didn't stop him spending masses on himself though.)

If everything else in the relationship is OK, I don't think I would go on the ski trip without him, as it's a shared group of friends. (If you had separate friend groups and these were your friends, I would consider going.)

I can understand him feeling annoyed at the situation (not at you), but he does sound like he has a childish attitude overall. It comes across as 'do it now because I want to; worry about the consequences later'. If you're a grown up, you don't get yourself into debt just to go on holiday, particularly when your finances are already rocky. It was also tactless of him to say he'd rather go away for a group jolly than an extended private holiday with you.

I think you need to have a talk about money (much as everyone hates that). You're right, it's not up to you to tell him how to spend/save/invest his money. BUT you are living as a couple, so what one person does, has an impact on the other. If he pisses all his money away on shite, for example, it means you'll never be able to afford to go away as a couple, have nice dinners out etc. It needs more of a shared view of priorities. If he didn't really want to go on a long haul holiday, for instance, he should have said so at the time rather than saying yes so that he could end the conversation.

My husband and I don't share our finances. I don't exactly know how much he earns and not does he know what my income is. I transfer an monthly amount to him for the majority of the bills. It is without doubt quite a bit less than 50%.

It works ok for us. However, he would never ever go on a trip with common friends and tell me I'd have to stay home if I couldn't afford it. That's just plain callous. It would be the end of our marriage and him needing to share 50% of all his assets!

Do you earn the same?

I think things often start out like this but if children come along and someone goes part time or limits their career in some way to facilitate that it becomes a different story

Or if one half works in a lower paying role e.g. nurse and one is in a corporate role and a big disparity in salaries appears over the years.

We have separate finances, and have been together for 20 years. It works for us and we earn vaguely similar.

But holidays are a joint decision based on what we can both afford. You and hubby shouldn't even be considering things like a ski trip or long haul holiday - neither of you can really afford them. Have fortnight in France or Italy out of season for a few years and you'll have a great time and can get finances back on track.
Just tell your friends it's been a tricky year financially and you are giving the ski trip a miss this time.

Not sure your hubby is 'shit with money' he just earns less and is trying to keep up with you.

I suggest that you have a joint account as well as personal accounts (which you may have already), out of which all household and joint costs come. Usually this is bills and household shopping, but in your case it would make sense for one 'family' holiday per year to also come out of the joint account, and increase your contributions to cover it.
That way you are automatically both contributing proportionally to the joint holiday.

It is worth noting that by contributing proportionally, you end up with unequal personal money, e.g. one person earns 80k and the second earns 60k, so the first person pays 60k into the joint account and the second pays 45k, which is proportional, but then person one has 20k left for themselves whereas person two only has 15k.
Long term this is a recipe for resentment (as you are finding out already).

If you are serious about being partners for life, through thick and thin, e.g. potential illness, maternity, redundancy, etc, then a better option is to each contribute to the joint account so that you are left with the same amount of personal money each. A simple way is for salaries and all income to be paid into the joint, then each get transferred the same amount of personal spending money into your current accounts.

It seems to me that if you and he both want to go on the skiing holiday with you friends that's what you should do, and shelve next year's holiday plans until your joint finances are in a better position.
Separate finances don't really work in terms of the relationship dynamics when money coming into the household is stretched, and one spouse is treating themselves to something expensive and nice and expecting the other to go without.

Maybe you need to have a discussion on your medium and longer term shared financial goals and work out how you are going to get there jointly, rather than having single goals ..

No children in the OP

Because it's never her money in the first place she doesn't care that he buys the bike. There chances are that she won't even think then about buying the handbag. I've seen it work with the sexes reversed and her being the first to make a big expenditure out of joint funds.

I've heard cohabiting people who pool finances explicitly state that they went out deliberately to buy something that matched the cost of what their partner just splurged on.